4dp5dt & a Toll on my Marriage

 

Yesterday was 3dp5dt and I have to say I didn't feel anything. At first I thought perhaps I was feeling cramps but no it's ahem..... TMI coming......... gas. I am still trying my hardest to be and remain positive and spent the day trying to focus on work and listen to meditation while working. I was able to squeeze in acupuncture at the end of the day and while there I had an epiphany about the number 6. A few years ago I had a dream that 6 kids were following me and my husband. I couldn't quite say where we were but walking in a downtown area with cobblestone streets.....they followed us all the way home and got in bed. 4 boys on one side & 2 girls on the other ( a variety of ages if I were to guess from 4-6). I said "who are you and why are you following us" and here and one of the boys said "because you are my mom silly". I woke up instantly told him and he didn't really have much to say but just stared at me blankly. LOL So while on the acupuncture table the number 6 jumped out at me and I said in the darkness alone with the needles in my body "holy shit..... I had 6 frozen embryos. I transferred 2 and 4 left on ice. My six kids.....my six." I was breathing heavy and just freaking out slightly that I didn't not even realize the relation before. How freaking crazy is that ?

On another note I went in for blood work today to check my progesterone level and in my rush to get out the door as well as being hurt from the argument ( see below) I forgot to insert the Endometrin. I plan to drive home and get it in around noon for lunch but still....oh why oh why did I do this. Which reminds me let me take the prednisone. I have been cheating and injecting a higher level of PIO ( progesterone in oil) so I am good for a few hours but I should be more careful.

Infertility & Marriage - I wasn't sure I was going to even blog about this....but I want to look back and remember this, even if it is darkness. At a time that I need my husband the most, a stupid argument caused him to say some very harsh things including him not caring, etc. Writing them would only make me angry again so I won't even go into details. I am not sure I can forgive him but I know I need to for me not for him. The hubs and I had an argument which started in bed the night before and went on to today.

Today he just about let out a huge frustrating exhale, laced with a barrage of insults and complete with him saying he does not caring about this cycle or our marriage. I know in the heat of an argument all bets are off but while I can forgive I will NEVER forget the words he said.....never. So much so I am sitting here contemplating on 4dp5dt to separate from him. The argument was over something so stupid but he took it such an unforgivable level that I will never look at him the same.....not ever. It has changed my thinking but I am still holding out hope for this cycle...even if it I am doing it alone. I will do my own PIO shots as much as I am terrified to do so I will figure it out and not ask for his help. I feel completely removed from this man. Surprisingly I am not sitting here falling apart about the argument, I feel the opposite. Perhaps he needed to get some things off his chest and perhaps there needs to be changes in our life whether it is apart or together anyway onward and upward. I rebuke the enemy from my home, welcome in Jesus and ask God to fill our hearts with love, peace and forgiveness.