2p5dt FET

No symptoms but super gassy, besides I wouldn't be able to decipher if I  had symptoms since I am taking Estrace & Progesterone daily. After researching Google which I shouldn't many people felt cramps starting day 1....I feel nothing but gas. I need to stay away from Google as much as I can or else It will make me crazy.

Am I worried? Yes. As much as I wish I could just not think about it, I am. The good news I was able to squeeze in acupuncture tomorrow which was recommended. Apparently it "may" help with blood flow or implantation if you do it immediately before and then after transfer, & then between days 3-5 after embryo transfer. So here is another $80 being thrown at this cycle come tomorrow. Sigh....

Currently at my desk with socks on. It is super cold in here but warm feet means warm uterus

FET Week & Transfer Recap

Long Post

 

I am back...let's see if I can recap as best as I can.

Last Week on 5/15 I started Lovenox twice per day,  PIO shots,  as well as I was taking Estrace Vaginally, & added Endometrin twice per day ( I really hate them) with a mix of lots of immune drugs. Let me just say here I have no immune issues that I am aware , but the R/E is trying to up my chances of success for this FET. The rest of the week was kind of boring...I can feel the bloat since I added the shots & the Lovenox burns like a beast.

Anyway finally Friday 5/19th rolls around and I hit the road at 4:00 am to the airport.
I get to Albany at 10, checked in the hotel and leisurely walked the Mall. I bought the below book & also a baby outfit at Macys. More about the outfit shortly.

This is the book I purchased
Living Courageously: You Can Face Anything, Just Do It Afraid
by Joyce Meyer

It is absolutely fitting considering how I was feeling at the time. As I was walking through the mall I had this overwhelming feeling to get an item for my child. See there...I am speaking boldly. So I got a newborn outfit brought it back to the room and prayed. I woke up the morning of transfer and prayed so hard. I know I have no control and there is nothing I can do to help it along but it felt good to just release it all to God.

So 5/20/17 Transfer Day.  I am up at 2:00 am reading and praying, not quite nervous but still anxious. I watched Netflix and fell asleep again around 4:30 and then up at 5:45 ish. I slowly start getting ready, had a pastry and took my pills. I hopped in the rental car and off I went to the clinic. I travelled alone due to the expense. While I would have loved to have hubby with me,  he couldn't make it but he called while I was heading there and got there.  He asked me did I pray which I confirm he said a quick prayer over me. Anyway I got to the clinic at 7:45 ( they were expecting me at 8:30) yeah I was ready. I changed into my spa robe...I have pics  I "might" upload later. I sat in the  cozy waiting area complete with the fireplace for the pre-transfer. Acupunture was amazing and the room was so tranquil...it was like a spa day not egg transfer. I was escorted down stairs to transfer which was great except the needle pokes for bloodwork and I did the Intralipid Infusion. I received pics of our embryos, grades 4BB and 3BB. I peed before transfer......couldn't hold it then laid on the table for 45 minutes after due to the infusion. I basically ran to pee after, the nurse gave me my PIO shot, I went back upstairs for after transfer acupuncture and then I left.

I felt so relaxed and at peace...it felt right and wonderful. As I was leaving a got a quick pic of the sign and then I drove off. I stopped and got the customary fries from McDonalds. It is a thing with the TTC community...you get hot fries after transfer for good luck. Anyway I went back to the room and rested for most of the day. Around 6:30 I was hungry so I went to get Chipotles. I wanted dessert so I ordered room service..... and freaked myself out. I lifted the heavy tray. I am still not sure why I even did that, I could have let them in and have it dropped off but no I wasn't thinking. I freaked out and prayed but then realized most people that get pregnant have no idea...I know what I did so I naturally am nuts...am sure the tray wasn't more than the 10 pound limit..it was a slice od cheesecake and ice cream.
In between this I was speaking with Hubby, Reading, Walking around the room, Laying down, Watching TV to kill time. I fell in and out of sleep and then yesterday got up for the airport.

At the airport I had to bend, lift the bag ( am sure it was 10-15 pounds or less) for TSA, went through  the scanner ( the doctor said it was ok) put the bag in  the overhead compartment, take it down when landed and lift it in my parked car. I finally got home, kissed my hubby and enjoyed the rest of the day.......he did the cutest thing. He rubbed my stomach and said " My pregnant wife".

The joy I felt hearing those words are indescribable as well as the fear of disappointing him that came with it. For now I am focusing on the positives & that right now I am PUPO ( Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise)  and PASP ( Pregnant and Staying Pregnant).

5 More Days to FET Counting Down .........

I am at 5 days until my frozen embryo transfer.  I feel weird, or is that nervous,  not really sure what I feel to be hones but I don't feel fear mostly just a little  anxiousness.

Anyway, all these damn pills I'm popping are getting on my nerves.  I have to highlight my list to make sure I'm taking everything at the right time, on the right day. I went to a wedding this weekend so everything was pretty much taken/done late.  Today I get to add in more to the madness & also am waiting to hear back from the nurse since I couldn't start Lovenox as prescribed on 5/12.

I have never taken Lovenox before but I it is a blood thinner that will sting and sucks according to the IVF community. I am not looking forward to it but at least I am glad I know what to expect, yay me.

Tonight I add in the progesterone suppositories and the shots in oil. I have no plans to stay on the suppositories too long. I would prefer a jab than anything  up my lady parts.

All that's left on my list now are acupuncture and telling my Boss I need Friday off, actually I think I will just take another sick day. I fly out pretty early to Albany and return Sunday afternoon.

One good thing on this journey to debt is I used my Chase Sapphire to pay for the IVF cost which incurred me points to in turn pay for the travel for FET. Pretty sweet right?

Egg Retrieval & Week In Review

 

This is my attempt to recap the entire week to catch up on my blogging.

 

• April 24th did final level checks with local R/E and sent them over to the clinic.I received instructions to go one more night of stims 300iu gonal F and 75 menopur.

• April 25th did Cetrotide and got on a early flight with hubby to Albany. The weather was lovely and we spent it downtown at the Museum, and then the mall. Awesome day. Did first trigger at 9 pm Lupon. Hubby had a hot dream and lets just say remember he is suppose to abstain to get the best sample for IVF yeah well that didn't happen.... oh well.
• April 26th got up early took hubby to the clinic to leave his  sample ( unfortunately he had to leave so we had to freeze his boys for 1 day at a $50 charge) grrr wasn't expecting that especially since I was told there would not be a charge. It wasn't a big deal but conflicting. That wasn't the ticker, the ticker was they didn't have me on the schedule for ER the very next day.... WTH.?? They quickly had that squared away but I wasn't happy. Anyway he gave me my second trigger in the parking lot at the airport at 9:00 am. I went to the mall after dropping him off...
• April 27th Egg retrieval day and surprisingly I was not nervous. I had a rental car and drove myself. Nurse Kimmie  was super sweet & stayed with me as much as she could since I was alone.......we had no choice hubby HAD to go home and the plan was to trigger Monday and this done on Wednesday so the whole process was off a day. With IVF this is to be expected. Anyway I had to leave my car at the clinic and was told to get it 24 hours. I did not follow orders I was back at 7 to get it. Honestly I felt fine for the most part, there was bloating but not too much. Slept, watched TV, went to get something to eat and vegged at the Hotel. No pain, just bloated and gassy.  They got 16 eggs way less than I did 3 years ago but ok I will take it.

 

 

• April 28th missing hubby and ready to get home and be in my own bed. Spent the day walking the malls did a little shopping. Had Thai food delivered and I was not impressed....not at all. I had to call to check on fertilization.......I am getting annoyed anyway of the 16 retrieved 11 fertilized no word on the other 5. 

• April 29th was so ready to get on the plane, we got in early but was stuck on the plane for 30 minutes.  So happy to be home and be with hubby. Missed him so much and he had soup waiting for me since I am feeling like I am catching a bug or something. No word from the clinic and nothing in the portal.
• April 30th- Uneventful Sunday, stayed home all day and watched Netflix with hubby. Loved every minute of it.

Now for today, again I had to call for an update & was told they didn't have one for day 3. I. AM. GETTING. REALLY. ANNOYED. with this clinic. It is not the end of the world in the grand scheme of things but I was expecting more information and to be called not for me to chase information. The tidbit I was told is that they have a note to check on day 5. I am going to remain calm and just let it go. But I will definitely contact the owner and let him know. This is unacceptable even the clinic I won the free cycle at least kept me in the loop on the embryo status. What if they needed to freeze a few on day 3, what if something happens. What the heck is happening & then told I should call in the morning to check....what? this isn't free I am paying for this and expect better service. Okay it is out of my control....nothing I can do but I will contact the owner...I have to voice my concerns. I will wait until I am much calmer and in a better mood.

 

Chanting ( Serenity Now, Serenity Now, Serenity Now)

 



Clearing the Dust & New Path

It has been sometime since I have been back here....honestly I didn't have much to say, and had no idea where to start. Currently I am  a month shy of 36 yrs old & still childless. Just typing that hurts but at the same time I am in a MUCH better place emotionally & mentally.

A few months ago I visited a friend that also had fertility issues ( for 4 years) but she was blessed in 2014 with her first try using IUI. I am so incredibly happy for her....more so because I know the hurt she felt....the same hurt I feel........waiting with empty arms. Thank God her prayers were answered and her arms are now filled. For me there is no jealousy, she felt pain, she felt sorrow, she had longing. But I do ask myself.......

 

I often think about the New Hope Mini IVF Trial  I participated in from 2011-2012 & feel so sad that it did not work for me. Many of the ladies that I followed on the clinical trial  thread thankfully went on to have their child / children and here I am several years later..............still waiting. The good thing I did take away from that is, ( in my mind anyway) if I had more than 1 embryo, I am almost 100% confident I would have gotten pregnant and had my child. They promised me they would get me pregnant even though sadly I had a miscarriage, they lived up to their word. Matt looked me directly in my face without a smile and said it with conviction........he was right. I find peace or perhaps I am delusional, that if only I had more embryos then I would have my child today. Obviously there is no way to know for sure....but  heck....it gives me peace.

The New Path

For the last several months I have been on a spiritual journey.......being infertile has taken so much from me. My joy, my spirit, and a big chunk of my time worrying, hoping....and being depressed. My eyes and mind are so focused on my longing for a child it has affected so much of my life that I did not even notice. Slowly I have been turning this around, I have been making time for ME. Last year went by in a blur....and then this started with no plan and finally there is a plan, and it is GOD centered.

It came to my spirit in June to find ways to unblock my tubes....life can be weird like that
So much time spent trying to find either trial IVF or low cost IVF but not to find ways to heal my body. Why didn't this come to me at 25 or 30 why now? For anyone reading this that have been diagnosed with blocked tubes, try to exhaust ALL possible NATURAL routes before surgery of any kind. Wish I knew then what I know now.....oh well...here we are...so I use what I now know and work on it.

Anyway I happened upon a group of women on Baby-center who just like me had blocked tubes, took natural / holistic products and not only did they unblock their tubes, they became pregnant.I felt completely lead to that thread and for the last 2 months I have been taking Serrapeptase and doing Castor Oil Pack massages. I am careful not to put my trust into the things I am learning, because GOD is our healer. So I pray for guidance as I venture on my way with these natural elements.

 I will give more details in another post but for now this is the new path because

Petition for Inferitlity Insurance by August 6, 2015

I am popping in asking you to PLEASE sign petition.

Mandate All Insurance to Cover Infertility as Basic Healthcare. Acknowledge Infertility as a Disease, Not a Choice

http://wh.gov/i8sJr

I'm Still Here

I'm still here, still around just nervous to start the journey again...

I do feel defeated and with each birthday I am in the grips of panic as I hear my biological clock tick tock. 

Where are we now in the process? Still the same as where I left it both

March 2012 & November 2013...... here with 2 unsuccessful attempts, and scared, with a longing heart. 

We are flooded now more than  ever on the nagging freaking question I have come to despise 

"When are you guys going to have kids?"  

In the midst of things several of our friends have had babies... through the use of IUI but while I know life goes on WOW there have been so many new family additions and we are still left childless and the couple without a kid..

For the most part I keep my self busy so Infertility will no longer consume my thoughts.

The other day my BFF of 12-13 years said something so absolutely stupid to me that I am still pissed, and  I wanted to punch her in the throat.

It was a good thing she was over the phone- she suggested I allow my husband to have an affair so their is an outside child. I didn't hang up on her instead after a minute of awkward silence I asked "would you?" and to that she didn't answer but I said-No Thanks

I love her but that line from her actually changed the way I see her now, do you think 

me so desperate to do that? It's probably one of the most insensitive things she could have said......some space is necessary.

Currently I am browsing Waiting Miracles for embryo adoption, I had made up my mind that even if we cannot do another cycle the next step is Embryo Adoption. I may even join a forum for people that are considering donating their excess embryos and have completed their families, as long as there are options, there is hope.

For anyone else that is still waiting for your miracle, don't give up hope.

Back on track....Part 2 ish !

Let me dust off the webs from this blog and give an update..

Sadly I am not here to report that I am pregnant or that we have any concrete plans set on the trying to get pregnant journey. I am here to report that 2 of my friends had babies this year, also 1 co-worker and currently 2 other close friends are pregnant. I am here to report that I am officially 35 and CHILDLESS. The fear  of not being a mother at 35 is now my reality......COLD reality might I add.  I am trying to come to grips with it......let's just say I was not looking forward to the milestone. I am infertile and I may not get be a mother....................................

HELL NO, I cannot accept that. I WILL be a mother, and I will not go down without a fight.ODDS be damned I will start to pay closer attention to my cycles. I have been working out since February. I still eat really bad at times but I even started waist training. Lately I have been devoting my time to other things, ANYTHING rather than to sit and think about the matter at hand which is we have no children....still...F#@K.

Yep I cursed a few times....especially since the most recent of the announcements came yesterday via a card in the mail ( from a good friend might I add that is aware of what I am dealing with).  If ever a moment one would need wine...THAT WAS IT and hubby was not around to catch the groceries I threw on the floor. At this moment I am fine, I had to pray away my negative thoughts, the feeling of sadness, and depression and my current many uses of expletives.

That being said, I am very happy for her and I wish her the best. I will no doubt be there with her for the shower and anything else she needs and I have to tell myself perhaps she did not think when she sent that card. I forgive her..even if she is not aware of the hurt it caused. My friends should be able to share baby news without me wanting to fall apart or throw tantrums.

We are still being bombarded with people that continuously tell us to adopt or some that have made some negative comments to my DH about me....such as " Why would you marry her knowing these issues?"
 Don't worry I have no idea which one of his bastard friends said it or if it was male or female but when I find out...... I have a few choice words for them.......really colorful ones that would make most swoon. He won't tell me for fear of my retaliation but I see that it did upset him.


Developments
DH remains my support and said that we will get back on the journey within the next 3- 4 months ( sooner if I can help it), so my job is to research the next study if one is close for free or discounted IVF, a Doctor that I think we may use and then to see if we should get a loan for a 3 try package deal with WIN Fertility. It is really expensive in Florida, if you know a reputable doctor on the east coast let me know. I may go to NYC as they seem to have more affordable packages with great pregnancy rates. Heck I may move, I have been telling DH since 2012 we should relocate to a mandated state if only to get the insurance coverage and then back to FL once we are done.... I know there are no guarantees but it beats sitting here wondering what to do next. Also I have been thinking of frozen embryo adoption, but I do not want to visit that for another year or 2 if necessary and I hope it is not but if it is....then it is.

If you are still fighting to get your BFP...don't stop and you are not alone. Keep fighting it will come...