I'm Still Here

I'm still here, still around just nervous to start the journey again...

I do feel defeated and with each birthday I am in the grips of panic as I hear my biological clock tick tock. 

Where are we now in the process? Still the same as where I left it both

March 2012 & November 2013...... here with 2 unsuccessful attempts, and scared, with a longing heart. 

We are flooded now more than  ever on the nagging freaking question I have come to despise 

"When are you guys going to have kids?"  

In the midst of things several of our friends have had babies... through the use of IUI but while I know life goes on WOW there have been so many new family additions and we are still left childless and the couple without a kid..

For the most part I keep my self busy so Infertility will no longer consume my thoughts.

The other day my BFF of 12-13 years said something so absolutely stupid to me that I am still pissed, and  I wanted to punch her in the throat.

It was a good thing she was over the phone- she suggested I allow my husband to have an affair so their is an outside child. I didn't hang up on her instead after a minute of awkward silence I asked "would you?" and to that she didn't answer but I said-No Thanks

I love her but that line from her actually changed the way I see her now, do you think 

me so desperate to do that? It's probably one of the most insensitive things she could have said......some space is necessary.

Currently I am browsing Waiting Miracles for embryo adoption, I had made up my mind that even if we cannot do another cycle the next step is Embryo Adoption. I may even join a forum for people that are considering donating their excess embryos and have completed their families, as long as there are options, there is hope.

For anyone else that is still waiting for your miracle, don't give up hope.

A LONG WINDING ROAD......hhhmmmmm

FET UPDATE
So my CD 3 results were great and so I have to go back on CD 9 to do more, from there I will know if I will be taking Estradiol and ultimately guage when I will ovulate or close to it. My nerves are ok but I am having those crazy baby dreams again. I am trying my best to remain as calm as possible and doing an okay job of it so far.

CD is 1/9th here I come...
Me and DH went out to McCormick and Schmick for dinner last night, he is a little under the weather but we had a good time...it was really romantic. It would break my heart if this doesnt work because I would be hurt more so for his feelings...he believes in this so much and I do too but he just wont have any other 'What If" thoughts.....this journey is such has been such a long winding road, on our way home from our date he ran into a friend she was very pregnant on her 2nd and he greeted her and they bantered....He so wants to see me in that state..to have our child grow within my womb. I have spent countless days/nights praying for this miracle. I came across Mathew 6 vs. 7 "But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking." It stopped me dead in my tracks because I have been praying the same prayers but now I won't.

I leave with you a few verses, if you are not religious I understand but at least read it, it wouldnt hurt.

In Matthew 17:20 Jesus reiterates that same message:

For truly, I say to you, if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.

I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.
A prayer to offer
Oh lord, my heavenly father I pray that you will answer my request for a child, please touch & bless us both me & my husband together with a healthy child. I believe you will bless us soon - In Jesus name I pray. Amen