Closing the Chapter

I did not want things to come to this, actally I was thinking I would be happily documenting week by week, baby's growth and how I was feeling but not so I suppose.

Instead what am I doing? Trying to schedule a D&C so I can move on with my life and wondering if my body will ever be the same. The chapter on this journey sadly has ended and I have nothing to document anymore except my feelings on dealing with my miscarriage and who wants to read that for weeks at a time? Not me, I want to focus now on the positives in my life and the new challenges. The same day I found out there was no growth at my OB's appointment, I got a text that my cousin gave birth to her son 8 pounds and I couldnt find the happiness, life I say this to you "WELL PLAYED MY FRIEND", "WELL FREAKING PLAYED", just wrench my heart out and stump all over it with one swoop. I am VERY happy for her do not get me wrong but at the moment it is like the life I wanted never went on and a new life is here to mock me, remind me that I couldnt do the same, but of course it is not so. God has a funny way of working things out, even though it pains me to accept it, that is the reality. The icing on the cake is DH ran into an old friend and they are on baby number 2 and wondering why we are not on 1.

Just sitting here and thinking to myself and I wanted to share something ironic that happened.  The moment my mom called me 14 years ago ( OCT 1998) to tell me my dad was killed (screaming and crying), my roommate  & (BFF) received the call her niece was born at the same time. The morning of his death, I woke up in a funk and said to her something is wrong, I cannot put my finger on it but I know it. Before my mom said the words I knew he was gone, me and my dad were close and it is hard to explain............YOU JUST KNOW. Anyway my BFF's niece LOVES me and I adore her, she calls me auntie (which oddly doesnt offend any of them), isn't life ironic hough with her birth and my dad's death at the same moment? Everytime I see her the look of love that washes over her is amazing. She runs to me and tell me about her day, life, school, etc. I could go months and not see her, but when she sees me it is like I am the best thing in the world to her. I hold on to that and keep that as the happy thoughts when I get sad thinking of my dad passing. As with this, when the moment hits and I  become sad over my miscarriage, I will think of this new life that is an addition to my extended family.  Afterall  the truth is  I do live in a family of very fertile women (second oldest sister gave birth to her son this month too), my mom has so many of us and her last at age 44 or 45.  Me and my mom are not the closest but I think she suspects something may be wrong with me medically ( she doesn't ask but she stares at me uncomfortably)...she then trails off and tell me about how I was in diapers etch....all her kids have kids except me an of course my 14 almost 15 year old sister, but with God's grace and mercy I hope that gets changed and soon. Anyway I am rambling,,,,this isn't the farewell I planned but hey......is anything in life what we planned?

So like removing a bandaid I have to tearfully say "GOODBYE"..I won't be posting here until I am back on the TTC journey, but I am NOT gone...If you wish to know what is going on in my world, just go to my new blog....there I will detail, life, it's challenges and all the ups and downs I face daily. I might even document my thoughts/ideas on how to plan for the next attempt at conceiving but who knows.....

Thank you for reading and you are welcome to follow me at my new blog below

http://genesismoveson.blogspot.com/

The verdict is in..

The appointment this morning confirmed what I didnt want to hear, our little embie didnt continue to develop. Today I am 10 weeks 1 day and  it became so final, just so darn final...everyone was pulling for me including me.

The U/S tech wanted to see the embie's heartbeat, she took her time too to make sure, and passed over that sac several times but it was not meant to be...The doctor seemed just as disturbed and he kept asking me if I will be okay. I will be okay, this is TOUGH but it is a part of life....what can I do now but to pick the pieces up and move on. Because I had that yolk sac last week they cannot call this a blighted ovum, my ovaries are clear so NOT ectopic, so I suppose this is the dreaded M word. I think it was a missed miscarriage and my body still hasnt realized it yet. I still have no cramps and no bleeding just the brown spotting. The doctor said he will have a nurse call  me in a few days to schedule the D&C but he said I may pass it on my own. While I fear the procedure I DO NOT want to pass anything or see anything. I will be going away this weekend with DH and my friends (they have no clue what I am dealing with). In time I will share with my close friends what I went through, in time I will let them know of this pain I kept to myself. At first I know they will be angry but because they know I am private they will understand. The doctor suggested adoption, while I am thinking the same this is 1 IVF cycle, my first pregnancy and miscarriage so I am not giving up just that quick. Time will reveal our next step, and how we will accomplish our goal even if it means we may have to finance the next cycle.

So now here I sit with this empty sac of what was but what will never be....Lord God thank you for taking me on this journey that some may never experience. For now my heart is heavy with sadness but it wont be for long, my arms will have a child of my own very soon. I just know it. I am grateful for life and while this is the end of this chapter for now, the book is still being written of my life.

A LITTLE OF THIS AND A LITTLE OF THAT

A few people have recommended the website Misdiagnosed Miscarriges, here is the link

http://www.squidoo.com/IVFMisdiagnosedMiscarriage

It is rather scary how many women were told they either miscarried or had blighted ovums that went on to have babies. I didnt know a thing about blighted ovum or ectopic until my current situation. Also this site is not only helpful but the attending OB I was seeing from 3/28-4/10 did tell me she herself diagnosed someone with a blighted ovum and that patient now has a wonderful healthy child. She said it changed her as a doctor and she now tells her patients to wait it out as long as it is safe to make absolute sure but not my current OB he is not really thinking that way.  I was shocked he wanted to wait a little longer because when I went to see him 3/19th I regretted it because at that time he was already saying I was miscarrying but look at me now....there is a YOLK sac and even if it isnt viable at least I waited enough for that to develop. Reading a lot of Google and literature once the yolk sac is present then the embryo should be visible soon BUT it does not mean there won't be a miscarriage...hopes get high then shot low...I am a beliver as I have mentioned many many times, so hey we will see what happens. It aint over till its over.


Anyway here is some information I saw while browsing around killing time about IVF babies, sac size, etc...now I am sure this has its exception because most women do not have to deal with this BUT there are always exceptions to every rule.......

Summary. The gestation sac size in pregnancies resulting from in-vitro fertilization (IVF) and embryo transfer have been compared with those in spontaneous pregnancies. Small-for-dates gestational sac sizes were found in 36% of the IVF pregnancies. This proportion held for both singleton and multiple pregnancies. With increasing gestation beyond 8 weeks the gestation sac volume increasingly approached normal. In contrast to spontaneous conceptions, IVF pregnancies had a low rate of pregnancy loss once fetal heart movements were demonstrated, when the gestation sac size was small-for-dates. Small sac size in an IVF pregnancy may lead to the misdiagnosis of a failed pregnancy.

Other Matters: Gulp !! it appears that me and DH have 11 months to go for the wedding and the planning has fallen way behind not to mention the saving, allocating, etc. So much of my time and energy has been on the viability of this pregnancy that I really havent had time to focus on much else. I really need to get it together and will start getting charger plates together soon and start buying decor. I thought I knew excatly what I wanted but at the moment I am confused and have changed my mind slightly. We havent done engagement pics, didn't tell the family of the dates and really havent done any annoucements. Truth be told once the ET date was scheduled I told him lets wait until after the first trimester, (sigh).  I will not dwell on that right now, as far as I am concerned I am pregnanut until proven otherwise. I will have to start getting things together and QUICK, dress shopping in two months...I think...

This journey is really not what I expected.....

I had no idea I would be going through these loops. I naively thought I would have gotten my BFP ( Big Fat Pregnant) and went on to enjoy being pregnant not going to the doctor weekly and sometimes twice a week to chart my levels and to try to see if my pregnancy will or could ever be viable. Getting to this point took so much and I do wish that the fight was over and we won, so we could celebrate. I am still celebrating in my heart because the truth is I got pregnant on my first IVF-FET cycle, just in limbo if it will yield us a baby.

I am not complaining because this is the path chosen, I won't waste too much emotions on the why's or the why not's. I really want this baby, more than anything I could ever imagine but I know it is not up to me. There are many cases where heartbeats are not heard or fetuses not seen for 8-10 weeks and I am praying I fall in those categories and if I am not then I have to live with that and be okay just the same.

My spotting is there now daily as of last week, brown most of the times but there has been some light red only when I wipe. Also by using this calculation it says I am 9 weeks and it makes me a little sad.

http://www.ivf.ca/fet5dayduedate.php



I came across this prayer below though and thought I would re-post it and share it. I love it and hope that if someone else is going through my current situation would find strength in this prayer.

Ezek 16:6 "Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood, and as you lay there in your blood I said to you, "Live!"

Baby in the name of Jesus I prophecy the Word of God over your life by professing that you will live and not die and proclaim what the Lord has done (Psa 118:17). I come against the name of miscarriage and the symptoms of miscarriage and you must bow down and leave! I command every part of my body to function the way God created you to because you are fearfully and wonderfully made. That means every hormone is to get into balance and function perfectly not only during my pregnancy and delivery but for the rest of my life!

Jesus is the Word of God and I speak the life of Jesus into my womb, which says I will NOT miscarry. Right now according to Isaiah 53:4-5 I claim healing over any complication within my or my baby's body. Lord I thank you that you are restoring me to perfect health and healing me from all of my wounds (Jer 30:17).

Father I commit my baby and my pregnancy into your hands. I thank you according to your Word that you will take charge of the growth and development of my baby by knitting every part of them together without any defect or complication. I know that you will perfect that which concerns me and you will not forsake the work of your own hands because your mercy and loving-kindness endure forever.(Psa 38:8 AMP).

I take authority over fear and oppression for they are under my feet for I have been given a spirit of power a sound mind and self-control. I pray right now for your perfect peace to come upon me and to guard my heart and my mind in you. Lord I thank you for this miracle and for your Word because it says if I believe I will receive whatever I ask for in prayer(Mark 11:24).

LIMBO MUST LOVE ME

I had some follow up appointments first thing this morning, and I did bloodwork yesterday at Labcorp which apparently I didnt need because the doctor didnt receive the results yet or mentioned them until "I" asked him about them. (I wish I was still seeing the attending OB) he (my regular) was on vacation and she(attending OB) was more personable and was understanding, he is a man and is callous even if he isnt trying to be.

Anyway back to my crazy story, my U/S appt was bright and early and first thing at 8am. The tech knew who I was and gave me a friendly hello and asked me do I know what is going on, I told her Ectopic was ruled out but now it appears it may be a blighted ovum. While she was wanding me which by the way HURT since me and DH havent had intercourse in weeks ( sorry TMI) but boy do I miss him. We havent since the ET 3/3 might as well have been a lifetime ago with this process. Anyway as she was wanding me there was dead silence so I stared at the wall and lamented on the day ahead and just realizing that this isnt the end of the world. People deal with far worse things and this isnt the end of the baby making road for me. She finished her wanding asked me to dress and I went directly upstairs to the doctor for followup. Yes it is a very huge practice so the Ultrasound center ( very cute might I add) is on the 3rd floor and the Doctors wing is on the 4th.

I went upstairs and waited, thumbing through the magazine and my name was called, pressure checked and then I was shown to a room. Just great I thought as I walked in, it is the room with the developing fetuses on the wall.....just the perfect room to put a woman going through a........ ( what am I going through really? Missed Miscarriage? Blighted Ovum? an Anomaly? Anyway she told me to get naked waist down, rather weird but okay I did and the doctor storms in the room leaving the door open. He sounded rushed, out of breath and quite frankly out of his mind because he kept saying dude I have no idea what is going on with you. I said slow down and are you okay, he said yeah I ran up 4 flights of steps to get here and I just reviewed your U/S report his words "Dude YOU are still progressing now a week later and you have a gestational AND YOLK sac" ( the nurse kindly walked up and closed the door he was so loud) I sat on the table shocked....WHAT? I am confused. He said I do not want to give you false hope because as it is dated you are 8 weeks and some days so I should see a fetus and heartrate but I will not go through with the D & C until I am sure you do not have a baby in you hiding somewhere and NO it is NOT ectopic. I just sat there, probably with a WTF look on my face and said okay what do we do, he said let's wait a week and if there is no heart beat then definitely a D&C next week, this has got to be so hard for you going back and forth.

I was more than happy to wait, then he said something that never crossed my mind. "Is it possible that you got pregnant on your own even though you did the ET.?" Me and DH did have our last fling that week (End of February)before heading to NYC for the ET, so I suppose it would be in line with the size and age but UNLIKELY and here is why, there is still the matter of the CLOGGED TUBES ( 1 had fluid on the U/S that was drained prior to ET and the other is open from the Lap surgery done in 2005 still BUT the fimbria are damaged so they cannot assist the egg if fertilized to get it to my uterus for implantation, well based on textbooks anyway). I can understand him thinking that theory because let's be real, I am developmentally 2 weeks behind schedule for these things and my HCG is still climbing. I have been spotting brown again since last week, some days more than others but I havent been worried about it and oh yeah NO PIO for what 3 days maybe and out of estrogen tabs for over a week so not much medicated support.

We have no idea what will happen or what will not happen but so far I have defied a few text books and have not 1 but 2 OB's scratching their heads. Here is something I read as well...

"A blighted ovum diagnosis cannot be made if a yolk sac is seen. An embryo is needed for a yolk sac to be visible. Often, a baby will be seen one week after the yolk sac is viewed."

Now I have NO false hope and I am aware that the odds of viability are stacked high against us, not to mention me getting pregnant in the midst of ET meaning so the Egg that should have implanted didn't and then another did 2 weeks later from the last time me and DH had our fling? BUT I do believe in God and miracles and I know that ANYTHING is possible with God. God is always willing to do all the hard work for you! Thank you, Lord, for the change of heart and continuing to keep me on the journey for a little longer, your will be done and your peace surrounds my heart.

Some people may think this is dragging out the pain but actually not for me, I have already dealt with most of that pain 3/22 when I got the call that BETA was 520 after a week of waiting, the RE's office wasnt very optimistic on that phone call and my spirits were low for the week following. What I have been though is terrified of an ectopic since the HCG kept going higher and higher but now that it is ruled out, I am breathing a sigh of relief but I worry about another special person from the NH forum that had to deal with it. She is in my thoughts at the moment, I want so bad for her to pull through all of this. Sometimes we think our pain is so great that we do not realize that others deal with the same and some a little worse.

At the moment I sit and wait for more news and think to myself....."my what a fighter this peanut is, was, or would be?" Limbo Loves Me I suppose and so I sit in limbo and wait for more news next tuesday, come whatever it is I certainly have become quite the science project.

Adoption.......too much too soon

Me and DH went to a baby shower yesterday. It was for his bestfriend's sister. She adopted an infant and the baby was this tiny adorable 7 week old little darling, plus there was a friend that was 9 months pregnant. I was doing okay considering and was having a good time....truth be told a little anxiety was there but not much.

Anyway the shower honoree said to me "Are you ready?" and I smiled and she probed again and I said that when God blesses us then we are ( keep in mind NOBODY knows that we are dealing with infertility or that I am sitting there 8 weeks pregnant or should be with an empty sac).....long story short the honoree tells the social worker ( who was at the festivities as well) I want you to help her as well. I was so shocked that I didnt say anything. Inside I was thrilled that I would deal with someone so closely and could probably have our adopted baby soon, this is all too soon.

Later I was discussing with DH and he shot it down, ???? HUH??? didn't you say you wanted to adopt, he said this baby is from a young pregnant teen and he didnt want to deal with her wanting her child later on. DH said he doesnt want to give up trying for his own bilogical child first and then we can pursue adoption.

I WANTED to scream, hello it has been 7 years of trying, 7 years of unprotected sex with my clogged tubes, we are in no financial position to do IVF right now and in 9 months we would have a baby, and he wants to wait. I didn't scream or push, but rather I respect his feelings We can of course finance and put our selves in debt but I seriously am not sure I want to do that. I want a baby and at any cost but we are already over extended...if we extend just to have the baby, HOW will we afford the baby? This is all so hard, tuesday just get here so I can get over this and move on to the next step.

Blighted Ovum?...I guess Maybe

Right now I still am not sure what diagnosis I fit in but since somethings are still not adding up, but the Doctor said that she can 95% rule out Ectopic. On 4/2 HCG was 9900 on 4/6 it went to 14000 so that sac is sending HCG but it didnt grow from the U/S on 3/30 and so the doctor said she thinks it is a Blighted Ovum. Anyway FINAL appointment followup to see growth is 4/17 after that if there is nothing viable seen then D & C. Lord I hope we are making the right decision.

A blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”) happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum occurs within the first trimester, often before a woman knows she is pregnant. A high level of chromosome abnormalities usually causes a woman’s body to naturally miscarry

.

How can a blighted ovum be prevented?
Unfortunately, in most cases a blighted ovum cannot be prevented. Some couples will seek out genetic testing if multiple early pregnancy loss occurs. A blighted ovum is often a one time occurrence, and rarely will a woman experience more than one. Most doctors recommend couples wait at least 1-3 regular menstrual cycles before trying to conceive again after any type of miscarriage.

Well it is good to know that I may never deal with this again but heart breaking to think it was egg quality or sperm quality. I hope not and besides it's a theory I am not accepting that into our reality. I am shifting my focus to our wedding. On to the positive side of our life, our wonderful bundle will be here soon, my womb will be blessed. We just know it and have prayed for it.

It's another Day and I am blessed

I am blessed despite the things I face !!!!

At my request DH skipped the PIO shots on Friday and Saturday, I know I am a bad girl but since there are no findings on the Ultrasound and my butt is sore I needed a break. Yesterday he did it and gave me a higher dose to make up for the lost times.

Sympthoms: CRUEL as they are some still linger. Like food aversion, boobs hurt everytime I gave someone a hug saturday OUCH..., queasy after eating something I probably shouldn't but no throw up.

This was quite the weekend, my 21 year old cousin is 9 months PREGNANT
(unplanned and unwanted at first) so I threw her a get together baby shower at my mom's house. This was SUPER HARD at first ( I cried in the aisle at Walmart getting baby stuff in DH's collar), I think I avoided her stomach like the plague or looking directly at her, BUT overall I had a great time. I got to play with my 14 month old God daughter, be around family, friends and realize just how incredibly blessed I am. This will take time and I realize that my heart will hurt for a while but it will be strengthened and then I can move on from here. DH agreed that we can still try another MINI IVF when financially we have saved but that wasn't my excitement he said we can then adopt a child as well. YAY. I have been trying to get DH on board to adopting for a long time, and while it is a long process with the state I wanted to do it with or without having a child of my own. I havent spoken to him about it but I think I might temporarily opt to move to a state where IVF is mandated in the insurance and then move back once the deed is done. There have been a few people that have done this including a couple I suspect as well but no proof. CT is definitely a state mandated and I know someone there we are not exceptionally close but I also have other friends I can also hang out with if necessary, since all this is a secret no one will know why the sudden move right? We shall see DH will probably NOT agree. I prefer going to a mandated state so we are not lost in debt

Honestly I am still NOT in a place to try again, but in time I am sure I will be. In the meantime, I cannot wait to shed this weight I gained and to get more conclusive answers on whats happening, what the heck is going on inside me? What do I do next? Am I facing surgery which is scary?

There are some miracle postings of people NOT seeing there baby until 8 weeks along, but with the improved technology of today that is almost unlikely in my case but hey anything is possible. I will not give myself false hope, I have FAITH in my God and trust whatever the situation and its outcome. I will know more tommorrow and from there I will know what to do but it's another day and I feel blessed..

Appt Update and It isn't Great

“And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

I won't hear the beta results until next tuesday however I did ask the U/S tech what is going on well she said the sac is still measuring the same size about 5 weeks with no visible baby.

Oddly enough I was NOT crushed, I prayed before I walked in that building and I have been through so many emotions but I went in confident that my baby is fine. God's will has been done and I accept it. Next tuesday we wait to hear if this is an ectopic to explain the tiny sac or blighted ovum? I am not sure but I do not think a miscarriage would continue to produce HCG assuming that the number got higher, as crazy and confusing as this all have been I am not angry, I just hope that others do not have to go through this and if they are then you know that nothing happens without a reason, even reasons you cannot understand or want to accept.

I plan to use the next few months to get ME back, I need to be cleansed from all these hormones that I have been taking and start working out again. Honestly,I would prefer to adopt than to go through another emotional rollercoaster with meds, monitoring & drugs. Even if I had another emby at NH, where I am mentally I am not sure I would go back anytime soon to endure this all over again, but of course it would have been great to have one so we had the option. The thought that me and DH will have to find at a minimum of $5000 to do another cycle is so out of water for us at the moment BUT if we put our mind to saving then YES we can do it. $5000 to some sounds like not much but for us it is a lot for our budget. I do not think I would return to NH for another cycle, not because I didnt get great care but the travel costs was well over $2000 in the end I am sure. There is a place in North Florida that does mini ivf for $4500 ( 4 hour drive) including meds and monitoring and then another place in NYC that offers it for $3800. Options are there but I am NOT so sure I want to go through them for at least another 6 months plus of course we need to save like there is no tommorrow. I emailed the billing dept at NH a week ago to get an idea and no response to date so this also help me come to the decision that I cannot deal with the lack of communication if we saved and had to deal with this, especially for me when I am already on the fence wondering if I should EVER do this again.

Information
If you are in the South Florida area and wanted to get information on IVF then here is what I found and wanted to share. There is one for 3 cycle attempts for $9900

http://www.fertilityandgenetics.com/

But I also realize that certain costs are additional such as ICSI which we would want, and assisted hatching as well so it may make better sense to return to NYC as the costs there seem lower even if NOT at NH, as there are so many doctors with competition so lots of clinics include it in their $5000 package and NYC also offers a grant package but you must be a resident. There are always options and while for now, I do not want to jump right back in the swing of things I wanted to post the information for people that wanted to start and needed a good idea how and where.

Appointments are Today.....freaking out

Got to work late this morning I was at Labcorp for an hour with no appointment which was my fault. I had to do bloodwork follow up and then my U/S is scheduled for 4pm today as well, Monday's HCG was 9900 so today not sure where it should be but I doubt it can double as much once it starts to get so much higher. I have been having terrible nightmares all week of how badly it will turn out at the U/S but there was one good dream about me having a son. At Labcorp I was squirming in my seat, almost ran out of there and I had to think rationally, running from this wont change my sitaution ( it's silly now that I think of it).

The nurse at Labcorp could NOT find a vein and it hurt like hell for the little blood she was able to get from me OUCH....gosh when will this be over, positively of course and soon I hope. Since I cannot drink a glass of wine, prayer has been keeping me sane, and a few curse words too, okay I admitt it but I have an excuse, I am loosing my mind in limbo.

My feelings: FREAK OUT MODE....probably would type gibberish at work as I do in some of my previous posts if I didn't do accounting, thank goodness it is all numbers. I purposely do not fix the errors in my blog as tacky as it may be to some, because I want to remember how frantic I was and my feelings at the time. I dunno, its therapuetic to me but I apologize for anyone who has to read the grammatical nonsense I spew. :-)

DH is freaking out but trying to hold it together every day since tuesday he has asked when is your next appointment dear? How do you feel honey? So does this mean you are still pregnant? Why are you always sleeping when you get home from work? How are your boobs? Can you stay positive and be happy from at least what the last doctor said? Do you feel anything in there? And oh yeah the other night I got up in the middle of the night and he all but carried me to the ladies room all because I must have seemed like I was struggling (I was hlf asleep) LOL. It is cute but according to him he is not freaking out right..... yeah ok.

IF THERE IS ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE GOING THROUGH A ROLLERCOASTER OF EMOTIONS AFTER IVF/FET HERE IS A VERY HELPFUL LINK I FOUND

http://abeautifulday.blogs.com/when_ivf_worksthings_the_/2010/05/when-ivf-.html



Sympthoms/Concerns: Hhmmmmm boobs not as ba but yeah they hurt. I pee frequently but again not as much as the first 1 1/2 week where I could go all the time, now yes the urgency is still there but not reading into anything. At the end of the day, I know I will get through this with either outcome. aT the moment I am channeling happy thoughts, sticky vibes, and baby dust. What would make my day?- hmmmm to see a beating heart or to see development of ANY KIND. My hearts desires have been prayed to God so now I wait, and as painful as it is to feel like you are heading into either a blissful abyss or a painful situation it has to happen. I end with this for now and I will follow up later on the results...

The Saga Continues

I feel like our life has become one big soap opera where we are constantly on the edge of our seats wondering what's happening next.

My HCG blood results for Monday 4/2 came in at 9900

,

the attending OB/GYN the one that is very optimistic said she thinks the levels are rising nicely and from what was reported friday the U/S that was measuring 4 weeks 6 days there is nothing to worry about. She also told me to make sure I continue the progesterone but there was no reason to continue the estrogen. I should be excited but I didnt really feel that, I told DH and he asked me why wasn't I and I told him the many emotions I have gone through I cannot be happy until they do a scan and see something, movement, growth, baby, a heartbeat. I told him IF we never had that one week where the levels barely moved then I would be comfortable but that Ectopic word still lingers, my fears linger, my hopes barely a glimmer.

What happens Now?: Next U/S 4/7 with bloodwork. I do a followup the following tuesday. According to the IVF due date calculator I should be 7w2d but I do not fit into that anymore as far as I know I know measuring 2 weeks behind based on the dot that was on the screen, lets see if this dot is growing, lets see if I can see a baby.

Sympthoms: Still not urinating as often, boobs still tender but still on PIO, sleepy but not like the first 1 1/2 of doing betas and finding out I am pregnant. I am aware that sympthoms come and go BUT.......I leave it at the BUT.

My thoughts: Lord please continue to guide us on this journey, I am scared and my heart is heavy, help me to be thankful for a miracle. I pray that things are progressing.