Back on track....Part 2 ish !

Let me dust off the webs from this blog and give an update..

Sadly I am not here to report that I am pregnant or that we have any concrete plans set on the trying to get pregnant journey. I am here to report that 2 of my friends had babies this year, also 1 co-worker and currently 2 other close friends are pregnant. I am here to report that I am officially 35 and CHILDLESS. The fear  of not being a mother at 35 is now my reality......COLD reality might I add.  I am trying to come to grips with it......let's just say I was not looking forward to the milestone. I am infertile and I may not get be a mother....................................

HELL NO, I cannot accept that. I WILL be a mother, and I will not go down without a fight.ODDS be damned I will start to pay closer attention to my cycles. I have been working out since February. I still eat really bad at times but I even started waist training. Lately I have been devoting my time to other things, ANYTHING rather than to sit and think about the matter at hand which is we have no children....still...F#@K.

Yep I cursed a few times....especially since the most recent of the announcements came yesterday via a card in the mail ( from a good friend might I add that is aware of what I am dealing with).  If ever a moment one would need wine...THAT WAS IT and hubby was not around to catch the groceries I threw on the floor. At this moment I am fine, I had to pray away my negative thoughts, the feeling of sadness, and depression and my current many uses of expletives.

That being said, I am very happy for her and I wish her the best. I will no doubt be there with her for the shower and anything else she needs and I have to tell myself perhaps she did not think when she sent that card. I forgive her..even if she is not aware of the hurt it caused. My friends should be able to share baby news without me wanting to fall apart or throw tantrums.

We are still being bombarded with people that continuously tell us to adopt or some that have made some negative comments to my DH about me....such as " Why would you marry her knowing these issues?"
 Don't worry I have no idea which one of his bastard friends said it or if it was male or female but when I find out...... I have a few choice words for them.......really colorful ones that would make most swoon. He won't tell me for fear of my retaliation but I see that it did upset him.


Developments
DH remains my support and said that we will get back on the journey within the next 3- 4 months ( sooner if I can help it), so my job is to research the next study if one is close for free or discounted IVF, a Doctor that I think we may use and then to see if we should get a loan for a 3 try package deal with WIN Fertility. It is really expensive in Florida, if you know a reputable doctor on the east coast let me know. I may go to NYC as they seem to have more affordable packages with great pregnancy rates. Heck I may move, I have been telling DH since 2012 we should relocate to a mandated state if only to get the insurance coverage and then back to FL once we are done.... I know there are no guarantees but it beats sitting here wondering what to do next. Also I have been thinking of frozen embryo adoption, but I do not want to visit that for another year or 2 if necessary and I hope it is not but if it is....then it is.

If you are still fighting to get your BFP...don't stop and you are not alone. Keep fighting it will come...

Bouncing Back.....Kinda!

I am starting to come around.....and accepting the things I cannot change...sort of.

While I am still sad that our last cycle did not work out and I am still childless (roll eyes)....guess what? Life Goes On!.....I am going to submit a few applications for Free IVF trials  close to home, as well as have a talk with DH to see if we should go ahead and finance  a package deal with at least 3 tries. My insurance sucks ( how many times have I said that line), and I have been toying with the idea for the last year to move to a mandated state for a while. Isn't it sad the thought of having to do that?

Anyway I am living day to day and saw this picture, it basically summarizes my day when people ask "Don't you guys want to have children?"

Disclaimer-I know it is not their fault and they just want to know :-) I suppose the mean side of me wants to just scream and slap them for asking.

Avoiding the Pain

I avoid this blog to avoid brining up memories, to avoid feeling like a failure. It's not healthy and it is not right but I truly do, I feel like I failed at Mini IVF and failed at traditional  IVF( well this one is questionable considering where I went and my thoughts) but still ARRGGGHHH we cannot afford it, can we stretch our selves thin....who am I kidding thinner? YES but should we...NO. DH has an elderly mom currently going through dementia and he is an only child persay. It's a sad situation that neither of us planned for but that's life for you. You can't always get what you want.

A close family member of mine that is barely out of high school is pregnant with twins, the news just about devastated me, she conceived around the time the cycle failed and guess who they called to plan the baby shower....yeah you guess right. (INSERT EXPLETIVE)
Here it is April and we have no set plans on what to do next and we are SICK and TIRED of being asked "When are you guys going to start?". The expletives that float in my mind are endless but I push it aside and say a silent prayer. I know I need to find my faith again, to accept the things I cannot change and move on with a plan to try again or not,  but importantly to deal with my feelings, our hurt, our longing.

On the sort of plus side, I found a FREE IVF trial and close to us ( yeah am always looking for any trials to help us) but guess what I do not qualify for another 6 months and there is no guarantee that they will be accepting people then. (Roll Eyes )

If anyone is out there still reading please pray for us, pray that we start our family, that we get into this trial regardless of the meager qualification that is keeping me out.

Also, to anyone that may read this and will start a cycle soon do not be discourgaed, so far I don't have a silver lining in my cloud but many have. Do not give up the fight and start fighting NOW.  New Hope is still offering Free IVF if you get into their Study protocol, I urge you to try to get in, they are the best. If I had responded better am sure things may be different. I need an attitude adjustment but things will get better and they will look up soon. Just needed to vent and be real, just needed to throw a tantrum.

My the time has been going...

Sadly I have slightly abandoned this blog as I did before when I had the miscarriage in 2012. In my defense I honestly  have been super busy with work, life, etc and of course doing everything in my power to think of anything but babies and our lack of.

I did it the other day though....I said it out loud.....I AM INFERTILE. Over the years I could write it down barely though on paper, or hear a Doctor say it but me saying out loud did not happen but I did and to my friends..............there was a hushed silence...so I said it again I AM INFERTILE. We were on our way back from visiting another friend on a road trip and I said it and felt the air shift. It felt good, the stress of it all came out......and boy did it feel therapuetic...I needed to do that, say it, accept it, conquer it and they said what I expected. I still didn't tell them about any of the failed IVF procedures, just how it hurts to not have my little one and of course one of my dearest friends said "honey why don't you adopt?"...I was driving and almost killed us at that comment " why don't you just adopt"....I understood where her heart was but I did want to run off the road....really why didn't I think of that my dear......aaahhhh I love her and she just wanted to give me hope I suppose, some hope, because she said she wished she could take my pain. I love her and instantly forgave her when she said that. Here I am again rambling as not to say what is next...

What is next? Hell I don't know. There are a few factors still.....
We cannot afford it out of pocket
I would not go to that doctor again
Would rather try Colorado if I finance or New Hope

There is some positive...we are doing great as a couple even though I see the longing in his eyes, he has so much faith and so many people are praying for us. Even people that have no idea what the issues are...and for that I am thankful. At first, well in 2012 he said he was onboard with adoption, now its no dice..he flat out said NO so let's see what happens and what I can brainstorm, the next prospect is not a pleasant one but it may be to get $10,000 from a family member of his, how to ask without saying what it is for will be challenging and he definitely is NOT on board with it but hey.....how bad do you want this DH....I know i want this badly.

Good Luck to those of you in the trenches, and hooray for the ones that made it out. I am glad I am no longer depressed ( I think), I am more so pissed but I am feeling hopeful again over all INFERTILITY SUCKS but it could be worse.

Quick Update

I haven't been on here in a while , not sure if anyone is even reading or following and I wouldn't blame you, its been 2 months.

Anyway wondering about our last cycle? It FAILED...I was no I AM incredibly still broken up about it. Currently everything is up in the air as far as the next step for us. I am not sure how I feel or if I want to deal with this again. I will be coming on here to add more later, talk about the WTF appointment (rolling my eyes) and to respond to a comment that I received. My emotions are still raw but I will be back on soon.

Happy New Year and baby dust for everyone still in the trenches.

5dp5dt

  

My beta is this thursday Nov 7th and I was going to hold out from blogging until the night before or the day of. There truly is nothing to report....well until yesterday.

Guess what I did like a freaking idiot? I tested and of course BFFN. Why oh Why did I let that stupid annoying little internal voice win. I used an Answer test.

I guess my nerves got the best of me but it didn't stop there oh no......... I went to a baby shower too, it's like I enjoy the torture apparently. I have been googling like crazy because I have barely any symptoms, I mean the breast tenderness is there, it comes and goes but it is probably due to the PIO injections, on 3dp5dt for maybe a minute I had some weird cramps in one area early in the morning around 3 or 4, then it stopped just as quickly. This wait is nuts, last time I tested at 6dp6dt and got my BFP but that blast was AH ( assisted hatched) so I kind of figured if it implanted it would show, now I do not know. The clinic gave us no grades or told us one way or another just showed us the blasts and then they were transferred and nothing to freeze.

I wonder, has anyone ever died from anxiety? I feel like I might :-)

                  5dp5dt Symptoms? or in my mind symptoms?

Today I was out of breath sweeping the floors

Lower back pains

Boob tenderness

Sleepy

*All but the out of breath probably the PIO*

Apart of me wants to know already and get it over with, and the other part would like to delay it and stay in ignorance, when the anxiety gets bad, I definitely get into prayer. I told myself no more POAS (peeing on a stick) but will I hold true to that? I dunno, we shall see.....

1dp5dt---thought I would share

First let me say I stayed home today, not for the sake of the 2 days bedrest recommended by the nurse even though I basically lounged around, but mainly because my boss thought I should. They know NOTHING of what I am doing, she just knows I had a procedure. I had a nosy co-worker asked me bluntly last thursday why I was out ( ER Day) and I said well it was nothing major, she insisted so I said well I have pain in my sides and that satisfied her. While I did not really lie, I was evasive. I actually had some pulling but it is due to my enlarged ovaries.

Yesterday I felt some cramping, and some dull ones today...no way to early for implantation so when the spirit of worry crept in I prayed and put on QVC. I am guessing it is due to the catheter used or my still swollen ovaries. I WILL NOT WORRY.

Anyway  I thought I would share this link..http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Fertility---Infertility---IVF/Advice-after-embryo-transfer---article/show/598015
Even though I did not need validation I thought it was important to share. The week my BFF found out she was 8 weeks pregnant, she had spent time in vegas drinking, we did pole fitness classes, she carried a heavy pole  and bags, you name it and guess what. NO DANGER to baby PLUS she did not know she was pregnant. I think it is important that we understand that there is nothing we can do, and no amount of laying down can guarantee a pregnancy.

Transfer Day and no frosties

So we had our embryo transfer today. Got there at 8:15, and had to empty my bladder LOL couldn't take it and then started to refuel..( brought Gatorade). Anyway the embryologist called us back to review the embryos, one page had 2 perfect blasts and the other a bunch of others, my guess is 6-8.

He said well these are your two blasts and the others are not viable, and won't make it to freeze so will be discarded, we were not given grades or even a picture but from my research on Dr. Google I saw no fragmentation and quite frankly wont drive myself crazy thinking about it. He spoke quickly ( think salesman), shoved a paper in front of us to sign and was off. I said to my husband " But there are others on the paper that look like blasts too" my husband said well he is the professional and we only need 1 which is true but at the end of the day  I AM NOT CONVINCED, not in the least bit. (more on this later)

Not our Blasts just an example of what blasts look like for those who need to know

The Transfer

This part went smoothly and overall it was not too bad, uncomfortable yes, and I didn't have to fill up my bladder too much, THANK GOD. My favorite nurse assisted the doctor and we got a picture of our little ones aka peanut butter & jelly. Even though I wanted to pee like crazy, they said I need to lay there for 15 minutes, I overachieved and went to 20. When I went to pee, boy was I there long. Anyway I am currently in bed, bored, taking it easy, but going out of my mind. This bed rest thing is driving me nuts. Yeah am definitely heading to work tommorrow. I mean my last cycle-even though I had a miscarriage, I was up and in Manhattan in NYC, got on the subway and then bus BEFORE I got to rest and the next day spent it walking the city. I will take it easy but it won't matter \one way or the other. Also my lining was 15MM and he said I could do the PIO shots.............YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY........

Beta is 11/7th and I have plenty to keep me busy..I hope I can remain as I am today,m prayerful, thankful, blessed and hopeful.

Back to the Embryologist- We were just there Sunday, I had so many even further than 8 cell, while yes it could be true that the rest are not viable, for some reason I just didn't believe it.

Denial?-Maybe

There lab-perhaps?

It's free so they are doing the bare minimum-Well the thought crossed my mind but SART numbers would affect them so...hmmmm not sure

Is it because he didn't show them to us and covered the paper and then took it when he walked out for a minute without actaully "SHOWING" us them-DING DING DING. This was the face I gave DH

A disclaimer for the winning of this cycle states " The doctor can cancel the cycle at any time without explanation". This was the reason I didn't think too much of it but nobody wants to hear..."oh we will discard the rest, they won't be viable and able to freeze".  Something inside me told me it just was not true...I could be wrong, or in denial but my intuition tells me I am dead on. Anyway send up your prayers for our implanted embies. I have no fear and anxiety, I suppose what will be will be. How I will feel in another week I am not sure but for now...am good. I better get back to "resting"

Cycle Update

Just some random facts

So we drove an hour to our clinic this morning our appt was at 7:45 am, sat down for 10 or maybe 15 mins before the Doctor over the Embryology dept called us back to inform us that we still have quite a few embryos still going strong, including 7 that were fertilized normally ( they didn't do ICSI) on. He told us we can go home and the transfer will be on Tuesday. So it appears a 5 day blastocyst transfer it is. 

As we were walking to the elevator, a lady walked up to us ( I have seen in her the waiting room every time I am there). She asked how my cycle was and I said ok but I have to come back Tuesday, I mentioned I hate Endometrin and she said she was taking it and her lining is only 5. She asked me what was mine and I replied 10, which it was when they last checked on Tuesday. I felt so bad for her, she looked crushed, she said well they plan to freeze them and do another cycle. I wanted to just shake myself, I felt TERRIBLE for saying my last lining number, just should have been evasive, but DH said I am being too hard on myself, he pointed out " she bluntly asked and you had no choice" I still feel terrible but I say a prayer for her and myself for a successful cycle. I see the hurt in her eyes, I know that hurt. This time around I seriously have given it to God, so no worrying for me, it won't change the outcome. I have claimed the victory on this.

 I did tell DH I am very concerned that I started progesterone support 2 days after ER (most people start the same day) but my biggest concern is not being able to really push the Endometrin in. I hate them but I will deal with it for now and not complain. I have nothing exciting happening right now really. Taking my medrol as prescribed.

Fert Report

Well of the 29 Eggs retrieved, the Doctor called to tell me that 21 Fertilized normally and doing great. I was advised that a nurse will call me today with instructions to come in Sunday. He said they want us in on Sunday to prepare for a 3 day transfer but more than likely it will be tuesday for a 5 day. While I am not ecstatic for a 3 day transfer as I know from past experience that a 5 day embryo is stronger most times, well according to New Hope in New York, but I know that LOTS of women get pregnant on 3 day transfers... I am excited, praying and hoping that we have 2 great blasts to transfer on tuesday and also the funds to pay for freezing as I am already "believing" that we WILL have great frosties. In the event we will need to either do this again or for siblings.

At the moment I am at work but slightly sore, still bloated, still chugging Gatorade. The more I pee the better I feel. My tummy is swollen though, 3 months pregnant, but that was since the night prior to transfer and no weight gain so am fine. I will update tommorrow once I get the other call on how they are doing, and tommorrow I start Edometrin ( YUCK), Medrol and Estrace.

Egg Retrieval Day....they got...

29 EGGS....I am completely surprised and blown away. I swear Doctor A only counted maybe 10-15 during the monitoring appointments I have been to, and 15 is being generous on my part. As a matter of fact I was and AM still only slightly bloated, but to be honest it feels more gassy ( sorry TMI) than anything else. I know that all won't be mature but still I was NOT expecting that. I have been alternating between Powerade, Gatorade, and Coconut Water all day, I am not sure if I am at risk but I am taking all precautions to avoid OHSS.

The procedure was painless and quick but I was out like a light. Everyone was nice and my favorite nurse wheeled me out to the car, Nurse S. We were out by 11:15 which is later than anticipated but hey it all went well over all. No one mentioned anything about freezing and the money but I hope they call tomorrow with great fertilization news. We will cross all the other bridge when we get there and just take it one day at a time...

Okay heading to bed now....I really didn't rest up like I should have today but did take it easy on the couch for the rest of the day. Keep us in your prayers for a great fert report.