Closing the Chapter

I did not want things to come to this, actally I was thinking I would be happily documenting week by week, baby's growth and how I was feeling but not so I suppose.

Instead what am I doing? Trying to schedule a D&C so I can move on with my life and wondering if my body will ever be the same. The chapter on this journey sadly has ended and I have nothing to document anymore except my feelings on dealing with my miscarriage and who wants to read that for weeks at a time? Not me, I want to focus now on the positives in my life and the new challenges. The same day I found out there was no growth at my OB's appointment, I got a text that my cousin gave birth to her son 8 pounds and I couldnt find the happiness, life I say this to you "WELL PLAYED MY FRIEND", "WELL FREAKING PLAYED", just wrench my heart out and stump all over it with one swoop. I am VERY happy for her do not get me wrong but at the moment it is like the life I wanted never went on and a new life is here to mock me, remind me that I couldnt do the same, but of course it is not so. God has a funny way of working things out, even though it pains me to accept it, that is the reality. The icing on the cake is DH ran into an old friend and they are on baby number 2 and wondering why we are not on 1.

Just sitting here and thinking to myself and I wanted to share something ironic that happened.  The moment my mom called me 14 years ago ( OCT 1998) to tell me my dad was killed (screaming and crying), my roommate  & (BFF) received the call her niece was born at the same time. The morning of his death, I woke up in a funk and said to her something is wrong, I cannot put my finger on it but I know it. Before my mom said the words I knew he was gone, me and my dad were close and it is hard to explain............YOU JUST KNOW. Anyway my BFF's niece LOVES me and I adore her, she calls me auntie (which oddly doesnt offend any of them), isn't life ironic hough with her birth and my dad's death at the same moment? Everytime I see her the look of love that washes over her is amazing. She runs to me and tell me about her day, life, school, etc. I could go months and not see her, but when she sees me it is like I am the best thing in the world to her. I hold on to that and keep that as the happy thoughts when I get sad thinking of my dad passing. As with this, when the moment hits and I  become sad over my miscarriage, I will think of this new life that is an addition to my extended family.  Afterall  the truth is  I do live in a family of very fertile women (second oldest sister gave birth to her son this month too), my mom has so many of us and her last at age 44 or 45.  Me and my mom are not the closest but I think she suspects something may be wrong with me medically ( she doesn't ask but she stares at me uncomfortably)...she then trails off and tell me about how I was in diapers etch....all her kids have kids except me an of course my 14 almost 15 year old sister, but with God's grace and mercy I hope that gets changed and soon. Anyway I am rambling,,,,this isn't the farewell I planned but hey......is anything in life what we planned?

So like removing a bandaid I have to tearfully say "GOODBYE"..I won't be posting here until I am back on the TTC journey, but I am NOT gone...If you wish to know what is going on in my world, just go to my new blog....there I will detail, life, it's challenges and all the ups and downs I face daily. I might even document my thoughts/ideas on how to plan for the next attempt at conceiving but who knows.....

Thank you for reading and you are welcome to follow me at my new blog below

http://genesismoveson.blogspot.com/