Seasons changing

 

 

Life for the most part has been great but I have to also be honest there are some tough times in my home. It seems everything and everyone has taken a back seat in my life, not on purpose.

 

My husband and I have mostly good days but occasionally we are finding ourselves arguing over the craziest things. The most troubling thing is that it has led to mention of Divorce. We have been together many years childless and longing and now that we finally have a child & we find ourselves getting angry and saying "divorce", how crazy is that?

 

I am a Christian woman, one that has honestly even put God on the back burner after having the baby. I have had to fall to my knees and just pray about the situation. I will continue to pray without cease until I get more clarity on our situation and perhaps if he agrees to seek marriage counseling.

 

On a much happier note: My sweet girl is 7 months old and is quite the personality. She is babbling, giggling, sitting up for the last 2 months, curious, touching everything, squealing, eating baby food and just such a joy. At her last check up she is meeting and exceeding all milestones.

She hates tummy time which will delay crawling and she loves watching her nursery rhymes which I am finding I need to minimize or cut out all together. I use to read to her a lot but being so busy it has been harder to do so. Last month she got sick twice which sucked. The first time ear infection ( I suspect from the bottle so I changed it). The second time right after getting her vaccinations.

 

**I have my thoughts about her being vaccinated and I will touch on this subject soon**

 

For now life is just like the seasons changing. I am 39, a working mother, but what else....what else.

 

 

 

Life & It's Changes

I started this blog weeks ago and have had it sitting in rough draft ever since.
Motherhood has been quite the journey and I am loving every minute of it.

From baby spit up, to late nights of no sleep ( this is due to me checking if she is breathing, not her being awake), constantly worrying, & of course being a working mom. I look back over some of my old posts and many were not well articulated or grammatically correct but I am ok with that. It's exactly what rambling is, I was not concerned with anything but the matter at hand and banging out my thoughts. It was RAW.

Well here I sit on the other side. A woman with 4 frozen embryos in a cryopreservation tank in an IVF clinic thousands of miles away. It's strange. I'd become so accustomed to blog about wanting a baby that I don't know what to write about anymore now that I finally made it across the finish line.

Infertility sucks, plain and simple. I still think about how old my child would have been had I not miscarried in 2012 & then the unsuccessful cycle in 2013 and then of course wasted time for 4 yrs. before trying again.

I am rejoicing in my one perfect child. I am more amazed than ever that she is here. The miracle that she is absolutely takes my breath away. We have lost so many embryos along the way. It's been a long, painful, sad journey. It is over, well sort of & for now anyway. I am lucky mine ended well but I still think about the warriors still fighting. I still visit the Facebook groups and have high and lows right along with them.

Life looks so different to me right now. I find myself moving on and getting things done in a way that I haven't done in many years. It's true that infertility puts your life on hold. I had to move through the entire process and complete my journey in order to move forward, I was stuck and didn't even know it.

 

At the moment I am done. I am at peace. I am moving on. I am going to get busy but I haven't closed the door on more children.

Not my image..

First Days Are Tough

There is so much going on these days like I damaged my hair beyond repair and it fell out in chunks.

It is a scary sight so I will be wearing wigs for the next couple of months until it grows back.

 

Let me get back to the reason for this post.....First Days.

 

I have been back to work a little over a month now and things were going ok, not great but ok.
I work in an office environment doing financial reporting for several clients....it sounds more glamorous than it is and certainly does not pay much.
Anyway, my daughter stayed at home while family members rotated their schedules watching her  during the day while I am at work.
 One of them is unemployed and the other works part time once per week so I thought sweet....no big deal this would be great for both me and my daughter.

 

WRONG. Family will let you down sometimes.

 

 The one that works part time offered to quit her job, and watch my daughter permanently. She also said she would  take her college courses at night to which I promptly declined.
It is not her responsibility to do that.  She is a young woman and I want her to do more & enjoy college life. Anyway, every day I go home on lunch to check on my daughter and things appeared ok.....there were some things I saw and mentioned but overall I figured she was home so all is well.

 How wrong I was. Sadly, it was brought to my attention the other  family member of the 2 did not want to watch my daughter. This hurt me to my core because this very family member I use to baby sit and take care of . The freaking irony of it all.
As a result of this, today is her first day with a sitter.
I  could go in on more details on this subject matter on this blog  but the more I think about it the angrier I get so I decided against it.
 It isn't just about not wanting to watch her that bothers me, it's the fact that it was mentioned behind my back despite me asking for honesty and clarity. No one is obligated and I never let anyone feel that way.
 

Did I mention that I am also paying for them to do this so it was in no way free? It was a serious punch to gut.
 

The sitter will be getting only $15 more than they were getting so I was not taking advantage.

They are in my home, watching TV all day with the AC and I provide food. I am so disappointed because of my giving heart with my family. Lesson learned though and now I move on from it. There are still no hard feelings about it but I just won't ask this person to ever watch her again if I can help it. I would rather call out for the day & risk my job than to deal with this betrayal. It concerns me now that my daughter may not have been getting the care she needs due to this.  The bottom line is she is MY daughter & responsibility so I have to do what I had to in order to change the situation and that's what I did.

 

The change is a sitter that my co-workers used on their children but I did not personally know her until recently. I meant her twice including taking the baby to her on one of the visits. It is really hard to leave your baby with a stranger and I am not doing too well with it at the moment but what else can I do? She seems ok and the baby did not cry so that is at least good news. Currently I am counting down the hours at work until it is time to go see her for lunch and then hubby can pick her up after. Her dad will be doing most of the pick ups' since he is out of work sooner than I am. My heart is breaking.

 

Funny how life will change our priority. Never in a million years would I think I would want to be a stay at home wife and mother but I do. Financially we cannot afford for me not to work so the first thing I plan to do is find a part time job where I can work minimal hours daily. I would like to work from 8 or 9 to 2:30 or 3 and if I can swing it I would like a work from home bookkeeping job or work a few days in a law office. I am now on the hunt for another job. I will miss my co-workers but I know my boss would not work with me on time, she is not the most pleasant to deal with.  My fingers are crossed things will work out and I will find something else soon. I to think long and hard about this...I have been here in 2 months will be 5 years so I have some great bonds here...it will be hard to do but I also know I have to do what's best for me and my family when necessary.

Rambling

There are days that I struggle an identity crisis.

The transitioning from "infertile woman" to "mother-to-be" & now "New Mom" is still all too real and new for me. When I was in the hospital and the nurse referred to me as "MOM" I was completely blank and didn't realize she was speaking to me.

Looking back at the process & that It actually happened. The cycle was successful, and I was pregnant for 39 weeks. HOLY WOW !! ( the exclamations are warranted here)

Me, yes me, I have a child. I am not sure I fit into the world of the "infertile" anymore,  but I certainly do  not  fit into the world of people who conceive easily. I feel guilty especially when I go on into the Facebook groups and still see people waiting, I want them to experience the joy I am now.  Literally hundreds of women are going this daily, why is this such a norm in this era.

Lately I have been chubbing up like crazy. I know that it is absolutely ridiculous to gain weight especially since I am flirting with my 40's. It's time to do better. Starting 6/4 I am not only going to change my eating habits I plan to work out twice per day. I have to start incredibly slow because I have lost not just motivation but all muscle tone....it's time to get me back....

Part III - The Finale

**I am going to just summarize this to make it as short & sweet as possible**

So after days of throwing up, seeing many specialists, not being to hold my daughter because I was sick, finally on the 5th day in the hospital they decided they will do surgery and remove my Gall bladder.

I found out in passing from a very sweet but very persistent nurse that surgery was scheduled. She called and called them on my behalf and told them I am in  pain and they need to make a decision. So after 5 days in the hospital, I started to feel slightly better. My friends, sister and hubby's friend came to see the baby and the nurse came in around 5 or 6 pm to tell me she is leaving for the day and that my surgery will be the next day. Wait what? She said "Didn't they call you?"

So surgery was scheduled the next day, just when I was starting to feel better but I decided to do it anyway. So it's Saturday & my daughter was discharged days before ( they allowed her to stay with me), & hubby had to take her to her 1st prenatal appointment alone, without me. I laid in that hospital bed and cried. I walked with him to the elevators and watch him leave with our sweet bundle of joy.
It was so surreal. I am a mother.

The nurse came in and told me to pack up because I would more than likely than return to the post partum room. Eventually they came to get me and I was wheeled away, alone to deal with this.

The operating room had a great team that not only put me at ease but were playing some Latin tunes and I was getting settled. When I woke up I was in excruciating pain............AGAIN, "shit when will this stop."
I was wheeled to another wing of the hospital and in pain. I begged & thankfully finally received pain killers. I wanted to know about my daughter and was told that she was in the NICU under the lights for high jaundice....wait what? Okay at this point I wanted out, pain and all. Hours went by and my family came, also visitors from the church I use to frequent, the pain was still high but started to subside. I have to add during all of this I kept buzzing the nurses asking when I would go home.
After hours of IV & medication for High Blood Pressure, low potassium and iron( this happened last 2 weeks of pregnancy and after delivery) I was given discharged that Sunday 2/4th at 6:00 pm. I was so happy to leave I left in the hospital robes...I did not want to change ( I had showered maybe 2 hours before being told so I was clean and ready to go).

So off  I was to the NICU with hubby in tow, ok I was wheeled and it was humiliating but truth be told I was still weak from surgery the day before not being able to eat....I may have fibbed to the nurse and said I ate more than I did so I could leave. The doctor was right not only was I feeling better I could finally eat something ( I was terrified of food for days even water was the enemy).

Did I mention I did not eat for days and lost perhaps I don't know 25 pounds or more. So anyway I get to the NICU and I just about sprinted to find my baby. When I saw her my heart was just so over joyed...She is ours we get to take her home. She was in a private room since she just needed the lights and was already out just waiting on pick up. After getting some info from NICU we were finally on our way. I sat in the back seat of the car realizing that this is really happening, I was pregnant for 39 weeks, gave birth to my daughter baring all pain & infertility is now behind me. I have a daughter, ME....I crossed over the other side. The true journey will now begin, I have a child.

Lady B's Birth Story Part II

**Let me preface this by saying my ordeal is not quite typical as well as probably the reaction. I was induced while already experiencing pains from  being Food Poisoned after eating Chipotle 2 days prior. In the middle of this my epidural wore off so keep this in mind and if you are pregnant do not be afraid after reading. Also I am trying my best to relive the situation, please forgive any grammatical errors I will try to catch and fix along the way**

Ok so where was I?

Awww yes, so it was time to push and my response was no. How in world was I going to push through this excruciating pain and why do people prefer to do this un-medicated?

Wait, let me rephrase that, "I SALUTE you women that have gone through childbirth without medication." 1 of my superhero's would be my mother that did this 7 freaking times.

I had to do it by default, only due to the medication wearing off and no one listening to me. This is another letter that should be sent to that damn labor ward. I am still angry about it. At one point I really thought my body was against me & that I was going to for sure die because this was more pain than anyone could bare. My husband tried to have me center my thoughts, breathe that Lamaze crap and calm down but that lasted all of a second and then I was back to screaming like a lunatic.

My husband said I used a lot of colorful language he has never heard me use ever before and I cannot remember saying any of it. The pain was so bad I would have literally given away all our countries secrets if I had them. There were a sea of faces around encouraging me to push and I remember one little petite nurse that rolled up a towel and told me when I push to pull against it to help. God bless her I am not sure it helped, what I think really helped was my husband telling me come on baby her heart rate is plummeting. I looked up at that monitor and my baby's heart went from 153 now down to 63 and I pushed with all of my might and then a cone head baby appeared with no sound.
I remember asking what's wrong with my baby, the nurse and doctor did not respond. As I watch them clean her up, I still felt the doctor trying to pull stuff out and I was back to screaming and asking why does this damn hurt why not give me pain killers, it was at this moment I saw a nurse inject something in my IV and the doctor saying " You didn't give that to her before?" and I dozed off knowing that I would never, ever recommend giving birth at this hospital to anyone.

I was in and out of it. I remember seeing hubby holding her and I said "whose baby is that" and fell  asleep only to be woken up by the nurses to stand up and get changed.  Wait what? Let me move along from the labor part because I hated that side and the people, now post partum was great and I loved ALL the nurses.

Ok so I got cleaned up and was being wheeled to my room. I was not in extreme pain but hubby looked so tired. He was holding my leg and encouraging me to push and even got firm with me when I said no.

The post partum room was lovely, complete with a Queen bed for mom and dad to sleep. It was around 4 am in the morning and I was still loopy and don't even remember asking about the baby. I woke up around 6ish and the bassinet was at the foot of my bed and there she was with bright beautiful eyes staring directly at me sleeping. I thought wow, that is my baby, she is mine. I got my phone and recorded her for a minute, took her out and put her to my breast and just bonded quietly and alone for a little while. As I laid her down I felt a wave of nausea and then things took a turn for the worse.

I threw up, and threw up, and threw up and it kept happening. I rang the nurse and they called the doctor. They never stopped the IV but assumed I would have been ok since I hadn't had anything to eat in days. It went on all day ( this was Tuesday) and all through the night, by Wednesday I felt slightly better and asked hubby to help me get up to take a shower and while in there I starting throwing up again and this time blood. We both were too worried that I couldn't stop than to worry about the contents so hubby called in the doctor.

What should have been a time bonding with my baby turned into hours & days of throwing up and seeing just about every specialist in the hospital.....


Part III to follow to wrap this up.

Lady B's Birth Story-Part I

My Sweet Baby

Born 1/30/18 at 1:01 am

I spent so much time being afraid through the pregnancy journey that I didn't give too much thought to the birthing process. The doctor told me somewhere in the middle that I would be induced and I just accepted it.  At some point I was hoping for a c-section  since as the time got closer I thought how the effects of delivering vaginally would be cosmetically to my lady bits. I know....I know it was the least of my worries at the end. 

I went into this without a birth plan because I didn't want to have one, and then it not work and be disappointed. Looking back now since everything went completely left I am glad I didn't have one. It would have made it that much more stressful.

I do wish that there were more pictures both of me being pregnant as well as in the hospital but such is life....I cannot get those moments back. For me, it's so hard to be in the moment and document  at the same time. 

My last appointment on 1/26th I had a scare where the baby's heart rate was plummeting and we failed the Stress Test which looks like the below ( pic is not of me). Anyway I was sent to Labor and Delivery and she was doing fine and I was told I would be induced to come in Monday morning ( 1/29th) at 6:00 am. My husband met me at the hospital so as we were getting ready to leave I said let's get Chipotle....he asked me 3 times if I was sure and I will find out IT.WAS.A.BIG.MISTAKE. I was food poisoned. It didn't hit right away it was somewhere in the early morning Saturday when my husband heard me throwing my guts up and sweating/moaning from the pain then we both started to worry. I mean it was non stop and I couldn't even hold the water down. 

Due to  the food poisoning ordeal it magnified all braxton hicks contraction to level 10 but still it wasn't the real deal....or I didn't think they were.

Anyway this went on for a few hours and my husband said get dressed I am taking you to the hospital. I get there around the afternoon & was told the baby was doing fine but I was dehydrated.

 I kept on throwing up and it stopped after I  was given fluids. 

While this was all unfolding I forgot to mention  I threw up so much I peed myself. Luckily there was a caring nurse that helped me out of my pee soaked panties and since they thought I was ok they decided to release me. BIG.MISTAKE #2.

As I was being wheeled to the car I felt a wave of nausea and as my husband pulled the car around to  pick me up just in time to see me throwing up with the nurse. 

She said since everything is ok with the baby and you have 1 more day before induction just try broth and no food until this passes. She also looked worried and told me if I think I need to come back to the hospital to do so. I went home and tried to sleep through the pain, nausea and miserableness.

At some point on Sunday ( the day before D-day) my husband was about to set up the bassinet which I registered for but did not like once I received it.  This one

 

 We heard a knock on the door and it was an Amazon package for another one. Which was this one. It is the one we use and she is basically too big for but more on this in another post later on.

 

Okay getting back on track. I kept throwing up, being in pain, falling asleep. Rinse and repeat for several hours this kept on. Despite my husbands concern I said no I will hold out just a little longer since I wanted to be induced by the OB that was the nicest in the practice....until delivery day that is.

 Somehow I made it to 3:00 am Monday and it seemed to have gotten worse. My husband got up, dressed, got the suitcase and said let's go I am taking you in right now. I took a shower and laid down, I put my underwear on and laid down, I threw up and laid down. I was so exhausted and cannot even remember making it down the steps. We live in a condo on the 2nd floor, going up & down those steps while pregnant was not fun.

So we finally get to the hospital at 4:00 am, we live maybe 10 minutes away but it was the longest 10 minutes of our lives.

Initially I had plans for the days leading up to the induction with some exciting plans.

\We were gonna do a photo shoot that Saturday, I was going to record getting ready  & would record while in the car....all of this went out the window. I was in too much pain to concentrate on anything but my daughter and me while still  throwing up.

Labor & Delivery

We get to labor and Delivery and I was placed in a room, where much of the same happened but it slowed down slightly. They started the pitocin despite my pain already, so it was a double whammy.

I kept waking up to the pain and I told the on call nurse I want my epidural line in right now as well as I need the antibiotics since I tested positive for Strep B. I was going in and out of sleep through it.

The anesthesiologist came & his bedside manner was horrible but he got the medicine in and then all pain was gone so I fell asleep. I told myself I would definitely sent the hospital a letter about my ordeal with the guy's bedside manner administering the epidural as soon as I can but just haven't yet.

Anyway they kept checking me and I went from a 2 cm when I first got in there to a 6 cm somewhere in the late afternoon. Like I said there was no documentation and my memory is a little hazy on the time. The OB  came in and said "who said she is at a 6, turn up the Pitocin" she is at a 4. All of a sudden I started feeling the pain and then my once numb legs I could now feel and move them. I rang the nurse immediately because clearly the meds had worn off. She kept telling me  I should be fine. This went on for hours until I got to 10 cm to which she replied well it's too late and the anesthesiologist said he was busy and couldn't come back. I was so pissed, in excruciating pain and still throwing up.....just lovely. I could have strangled her right there. The OB came in at some point and told me to push and I said no. 

See Part II

The Clinic

Pic from here

I am forever grateful to God for our miracle & the assistance of the staff at CNY Infertility.-Albany. It was such a spa like experience.

My advice to anyone on this journey please "Do Not" base choosing  a clinic for IVF or any fertility treatment on just popularity. Please do your research & if they offer free consultations then go for it.Find out about their pregnancy rates & if they do patient batching, etc. Another important factor for me was finding groups of women that were presently cycling or had experience at the clinic I wanted to cycle with. My journey has been private for the most part so I was lucky enough to find a few on Facebook that had private & secret groups.

CNY is a great clinic & an affordable choice at $3,900 per cycle which includes ( ICSI & Assisted Hatching). Well this was the price I paid spring of 2017, it may have changed. They also offer in house financing with No Credit Check. I didn't use it but I think that alone is a great selling point for lots of women.

• ICSI is Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection is a specialized form of In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) that is used for the treatment of severe cases of male-factor infertility. ICSI involves the injection of a single sperm directly into a mature egg.
• Assisted hatching is a newer lab technique that was developed when fertility experts observed that embryos with a thin zona pellucida had a higher rate of implantation during IVF. With assisted hatching, an embryologist uses micromanipulation under a microscope to create a small hole in the zona pellucida.

They offer top of the line service, labs  & while it has low outdated SART scores, they actually have high pregnancy rates. I know this because of the Facebook group of women that cycle there and just about daily we have several pregnancy announcements. Anywhere from the 20 something to the late 40 something. Luckily I found out through these women that the scores are low because they do not turn anyone away but it would not have deterred my mind anyway, I was ready to try again. 

Ultimately no matter your issue, or age ( OK not sure of the cut off but 50 yr olds are cycling) if you are willing to try they are willing to help and give you realistic expectations. I called CNY when I was just a month shy of my  at 37th b-day and was told my chances were 30%. I rolled the dices and I am glad that I did since we were successful on only 1 shot with 4 embryos frozen and waiting if we decide to try again.

If you look back at my posts from 2011-2012 I did mini IVF with a highly ranked clinic, I was younger and while I did get pregnant, I had no embryos to try again. I think it was due to the medicine I was taking but who knows. The second clinic I cycled I had plenty eggs and lots of blasts but told they were not of good quality to freeze and that cycle I did not even get pregnant. I am sure my hormones were too high for transfer but they did anyway. They retrieved 29 eggs & I couldn't believe ( I still do not) that there were none to freeze. It was a free cycle that I won there and I honestly think they discarded them but I digress.

I understand the desperation with wanting to try IVF to have just 1 shot of conceiving, I know this all too well. Thinking that a higher ranked SART clinic has got to the be the better choice but it is often not so at all.

My IVF journey started in 2011 and here we are 7 years later with a 12 week old. So much time has gone by, it makes me sad to think of the what if's. But it also make me think of the women that are still waiting and have waited much longer. I hope everyone is successful.

Just another note- High score based clinics such as the big name in Colorado ( you know the one) have very strict guidelines for IVF, they do not accept difficult cases which would explain the high ranking. Also, they are over priced and I have seen many bad review so again do not choose a clinic based on popularity. I just wanted to give someone hope with this choppy blog post. I hope it was at least somewhat insightful for the reader that may have to undergo IVF, the reader that needs treatment and think they cannot afford it, and perhaps the reader that is just about to start the journey.

Work After Maternity Leave-Separation Anxiety

Where the heck did the time go?

I have not blogged in so many months and I have so much catching up to do here.

Yesterday was my 1^st Day back to work and today my daughter is 12 weeks old. It is incredibly; gut wrenching hard to leave my daughter for work. On one hand it is nice to get back in the swing of working and make some income albeit it won’t be much, but on the other hand I hate to leave my sweet baby. It took us over 12 years to get her here and I am so happy she is finally here. I cried a few days ago like a big baby, then again 2 days before and then last night I held her so close. 

Returning to work for me is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life besides having to deal with my Dad's death my freshman year in college. In my opinion, it is especially so because of the means by which she was conceived, which is through IVF.  

Hubby depleted savings for us to have a chance & we did 1 cycle and thankfully it worked. The down side to all this is due to depleting the savings, there was nothing left for me while being out ( my company benefits suck and do not pay for maternity leave) & also for me to be out for an extended period for her 1st year. My heart aches but I must push on or find a solution that will work out for my family.

I think of the milestones I may miss, first walk, first word, & all the other firsts which make me feel guilty and sad all over again. It hits her daddy just as hard because he feels really bad he is not in a position to make this better for us both. The reality is we are closer to the lower end of middle income and we cannot afford for me not to work.  My student loan is higher than my paycheck and I am also repaying that as well. Quite frankly I would rather not stay home without any income to place more of a financial burden on my husband, why can't we win the lottery?

Even though I barely make much, I still feel it is still me doing my part & covering my share of the expenses. Things would be a lot better if I liked my job. I don’t hate it per se, but I definitely need more growth & better benefits. I do however like the people I work with and so far they have all been so supportive and check on me throughout the day. Let me just say this though, constantly being asked if I am ok will drive me nuts soon.

I am going to put up the birth story in another day or so before all thought and memory are gone. What a journey this has been, I am thankful for the happy ending.