Closing the Chapter

I did not want things to come to this, actally I was thinking I would be happily documenting week by week, baby's growth and how I was feeling but not so I suppose.

Instead what am I doing? Trying to schedule a D&C so I can move on with my life and wondering if my body will ever be the same. The chapter on this journey sadly has ended and I have nothing to document anymore except my feelings on dealing with my miscarriage and who wants to read that for weeks at a time? Not me, I want to focus now on the positives in my life and the new challenges. The same day I found out there was no growth at my OB's appointment, I got a text that my cousin gave birth to her son 8 pounds and I couldnt find the happiness, life I say this to you "WELL PLAYED MY FRIEND", "WELL FREAKING PLAYED", just wrench my heart out and stump all over it with one swoop. I am VERY happy for her do not get me wrong but at the moment it is like the life I wanted never went on and a new life is here to mock me, remind me that I couldnt do the same, but of course it is not so. God has a funny way of working things out, even though it pains me to accept it, that is the reality. The icing on the cake is DH ran into an old friend and they are on baby number 2 and wondering why we are not on 1.

Just sitting here and thinking to myself and I wanted to share something ironic that happened.  The moment my mom called me 14 years ago ( OCT 1998) to tell me my dad was killed (screaming and crying), my roommate  & (BFF) received the call her niece was born at the same time. The morning of his death, I woke up in a funk and said to her something is wrong, I cannot put my finger on it but I know it. Before my mom said the words I knew he was gone, me and my dad were close and it is hard to explain............YOU JUST KNOW. Anyway my BFF's niece LOVES me and I adore her, she calls me auntie (which oddly doesnt offend any of them), isn't life ironic hough with her birth and my dad's death at the same moment? Everytime I see her the look of love that washes over her is amazing. She runs to me and tell me about her day, life, school, etc. I could go months and not see her, but when she sees me it is like I am the best thing in the world to her. I hold on to that and keep that as the happy thoughts when I get sad thinking of my dad passing. As with this, when the moment hits and I  become sad over my miscarriage, I will think of this new life that is an addition to my extended family.  Afterall  the truth is  I do live in a family of very fertile women (second oldest sister gave birth to her son this month too), my mom has so many of us and her last at age 44 or 45.  Me and my mom are not the closest but I think she suspects something may be wrong with me medically ( she doesn't ask but she stares at me uncomfortably)...she then trails off and tell me about how I was in diapers etch....all her kids have kids except me an of course my 14 almost 15 year old sister, but with God's grace and mercy I hope that gets changed and soon. Anyway I am rambling,,,,this isn't the farewell I planned but hey......is anything in life what we planned?

So like removing a bandaid I have to tearfully say "GOODBYE"..I won't be posting here until I am back on the TTC journey, but I am NOT gone...If you wish to know what is going on in my world, just go to my new blog....there I will detail, life, it's challenges and all the ups and downs I face daily. I might even document my thoughts/ideas on how to plan for the next attempt at conceiving but who knows.....

Thank you for reading and you are welcome to follow me at my new blog below

http://genesismoveson.blogspot.com/

The verdict is in..

The appointment this morning confirmed what I didnt want to hear, our little embie didnt continue to develop. Today I am 10 weeks 1 day and  it became so final, just so darn final...everyone was pulling for me including me.

The U/S tech wanted to see the embie's heartbeat, she took her time too to make sure, and passed over that sac several times but it was not meant to be...The doctor seemed just as disturbed and he kept asking me if I will be okay. I will be okay, this is TOUGH but it is a part of life....what can I do now but to pick the pieces up and move on. Because I had that yolk sac last week they cannot call this a blighted ovum, my ovaries are clear so NOT ectopic, so I suppose this is the dreaded M word. I think it was a missed miscarriage and my body still hasnt realized it yet. I still have no cramps and no bleeding just the brown spotting. The doctor said he will have a nurse call  me in a few days to schedule the D&C but he said I may pass it on my own. While I fear the procedure I DO NOT want to pass anything or see anything. I will be going away this weekend with DH and my friends (they have no clue what I am dealing with). In time I will share with my close friends what I went through, in time I will let them know of this pain I kept to myself. At first I know they will be angry but because they know I am private they will understand. The doctor suggested adoption, while I am thinking the same this is 1 IVF cycle, my first pregnancy and miscarriage so I am not giving up just that quick. Time will reveal our next step, and how we will accomplish our goal even if it means we may have to finance the next cycle.

So now here I sit with this empty sac of what was but what will never be....Lord God thank you for taking me on this journey that some may never experience. For now my heart is heavy with sadness but it wont be for long, my arms will have a child of my own very soon. I just know it. I am grateful for life and while this is the end of this chapter for now, the book is still being written of my life.

A LITTLE OF THIS AND A LITTLE OF THAT

A few people have recommended the website Misdiagnosed Miscarriges, here is the link

http://www.squidoo.com/IVFMisdiagnosedMiscarriage

It is rather scary how many women were told they either miscarried or had blighted ovums that went on to have babies. I didnt know a thing about blighted ovum or ectopic until my current situation. Also this site is not only helpful but the attending OB I was seeing from 3/28-4/10 did tell me she herself diagnosed someone with a blighted ovum and that patient now has a wonderful healthy child. She said it changed her as a doctor and she now tells her patients to wait it out as long as it is safe to make absolute sure but not my current OB he is not really thinking that way.  I was shocked he wanted to wait a little longer because when I went to see him 3/19th I regretted it because at that time he was already saying I was miscarrying but look at me now....there is a YOLK sac and even if it isnt viable at least I waited enough for that to develop. Reading a lot of Google and literature once the yolk sac is present then the embryo should be visible soon BUT it does not mean there won't be a miscarriage...hopes get high then shot low...I am a beliver as I have mentioned many many times, so hey we will see what happens. It aint over till its over.


Anyway here is some information I saw while browsing around killing time about IVF babies, sac size, etc...now I am sure this has its exception because most women do not have to deal with this BUT there are always exceptions to every rule.......

Summary. The gestation sac size in pregnancies resulting from in-vitro fertilization (IVF) and embryo transfer have been compared with those in spontaneous pregnancies. Small-for-dates gestational sac sizes were found in 36% of the IVF pregnancies. This proportion held for both singleton and multiple pregnancies. With increasing gestation beyond 8 weeks the gestation sac volume increasingly approached normal. In contrast to spontaneous conceptions, IVF pregnancies had a low rate of pregnancy loss once fetal heart movements were demonstrated, when the gestation sac size was small-for-dates. Small sac size in an IVF pregnancy may lead to the misdiagnosis of a failed pregnancy.

Other Matters: Gulp !! it appears that me and DH have 11 months to go for the wedding and the planning has fallen way behind not to mention the saving, allocating, etc. So much of my time and energy has been on the viability of this pregnancy that I really havent had time to focus on much else. I really need to get it together and will start getting charger plates together soon and start buying decor. I thought I knew excatly what I wanted but at the moment I am confused and have changed my mind slightly. We havent done engagement pics, didn't tell the family of the dates and really havent done any annoucements. Truth be told once the ET date was scheduled I told him lets wait until after the first trimester, (sigh).  I will not dwell on that right now, as far as I am concerned I am pregnanut until proven otherwise. I will have to start getting things together and QUICK, dress shopping in two months...I think...

This journey is really not what I expected.....

I had no idea I would be going through these loops. I naively thought I would have gotten my BFP ( Big Fat Pregnant) and went on to enjoy being pregnant not going to the doctor weekly and sometimes twice a week to chart my levels and to try to see if my pregnancy will or could ever be viable. Getting to this point took so much and I do wish that the fight was over and we won, so we could celebrate. I am still celebrating in my heart because the truth is I got pregnant on my first IVF-FET cycle, just in limbo if it will yield us a baby.

I am not complaining because this is the path chosen, I won't waste too much emotions on the why's or the why not's. I really want this baby, more than anything I could ever imagine but I know it is not up to me. There are many cases where heartbeats are not heard or fetuses not seen for 8-10 weeks and I am praying I fall in those categories and if I am not then I have to live with that and be okay just the same.

My spotting is there now daily as of last week, brown most of the times but there has been some light red only when I wipe. Also by using this calculation it says I am 9 weeks and it makes me a little sad.

http://www.ivf.ca/fet5dayduedate.php



I came across this prayer below though and thought I would re-post it and share it. I love it and hope that if someone else is going through my current situation would find strength in this prayer.

Ezek 16:6 "Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood, and as you lay there in your blood I said to you, "Live!"

Baby in the name of Jesus I prophecy the Word of God over your life by professing that you will live and not die and proclaim what the Lord has done (Psa 118:17). I come against the name of miscarriage and the symptoms of miscarriage and you must bow down and leave! I command every part of my body to function the way God created you to because you are fearfully and wonderfully made. That means every hormone is to get into balance and function perfectly not only during my pregnancy and delivery but for the rest of my life!

Jesus is the Word of God and I speak the life of Jesus into my womb, which says I will NOT miscarry. Right now according to Isaiah 53:4-5 I claim healing over any complication within my or my baby's body. Lord I thank you that you are restoring me to perfect health and healing me from all of my wounds (Jer 30:17).

Father I commit my baby and my pregnancy into your hands. I thank you according to your Word that you will take charge of the growth and development of my baby by knitting every part of them together without any defect or complication. I know that you will perfect that which concerns me and you will not forsake the work of your own hands because your mercy and loving-kindness endure forever.(Psa 38:8 AMP).

I take authority over fear and oppression for they are under my feet for I have been given a spirit of power a sound mind and self-control. I pray right now for your perfect peace to come upon me and to guard my heart and my mind in you. Lord I thank you for this miracle and for your Word because it says if I believe I will receive whatever I ask for in prayer(Mark 11:24).

LIMBO MUST LOVE ME

I had some follow up appointments first thing this morning, and I did bloodwork yesterday at Labcorp which apparently I didnt need because the doctor didnt receive the results yet or mentioned them until "I" asked him about them. (I wish I was still seeing the attending OB) he (my regular) was on vacation and she(attending OB) was more personable and was understanding, he is a man and is callous even if he isnt trying to be.

Anyway back to my crazy story, my U/S appt was bright and early and first thing at 8am. The tech knew who I was and gave me a friendly hello and asked me do I know what is going on, I told her Ectopic was ruled out but now it appears it may be a blighted ovum. While she was wanding me which by the way HURT since me and DH havent had intercourse in weeks ( sorry TMI) but boy do I miss him. We havent since the ET 3/3 might as well have been a lifetime ago with this process. Anyway as she was wanding me there was dead silence so I stared at the wall and lamented on the day ahead and just realizing that this isnt the end of the world. People deal with far worse things and this isnt the end of the baby making road for me. She finished her wanding asked me to dress and I went directly upstairs to the doctor for followup. Yes it is a very huge practice so the Ultrasound center ( very cute might I add) is on the 3rd floor and the Doctors wing is on the 4th.

I went upstairs and waited, thumbing through the magazine and my name was called, pressure checked and then I was shown to a room. Just great I thought as I walked in, it is the room with the developing fetuses on the wall.....just the perfect room to put a woman going through a........ ( what am I going through really? Missed Miscarriage? Blighted Ovum? an Anomaly? Anyway she told me to get naked waist down, rather weird but okay I did and the doctor storms in the room leaving the door open. He sounded rushed, out of breath and quite frankly out of his mind because he kept saying dude I have no idea what is going on with you. I said slow down and are you okay, he said yeah I ran up 4 flights of steps to get here and I just reviewed your U/S report his words "Dude YOU are still progressing now a week later and you have a gestational AND YOLK sac" ( the nurse kindly walked up and closed the door he was so loud) I sat on the table shocked....WHAT? I am confused. He said I do not want to give you false hope because as it is dated you are 8 weeks and some days so I should see a fetus and heartrate but I will not go through with the D & C until I am sure you do not have a baby in you hiding somewhere and NO it is NOT ectopic. I just sat there, probably with a WTF look on my face and said okay what do we do, he said let's wait a week and if there is no heart beat then definitely a D&C next week, this has got to be so hard for you going back and forth.

I was more than happy to wait, then he said something that never crossed my mind. "Is it possible that you got pregnant on your own even though you did the ET.?" Me and DH did have our last fling that week (End of February)before heading to NYC for the ET, so I suppose it would be in line with the size and age but UNLIKELY and here is why, there is still the matter of the CLOGGED TUBES ( 1 had fluid on the U/S that was drained prior to ET and the other is open from the Lap surgery done in 2005 still BUT the fimbria are damaged so they cannot assist the egg if fertilized to get it to my uterus for implantation, well based on textbooks anyway). I can understand him thinking that theory because let's be real, I am developmentally 2 weeks behind schedule for these things and my HCG is still climbing. I have been spotting brown again since last week, some days more than others but I havent been worried about it and oh yeah NO PIO for what 3 days maybe and out of estrogen tabs for over a week so not much medicated support.

We have no idea what will happen or what will not happen but so far I have defied a few text books and have not 1 but 2 OB's scratching their heads. Here is something I read as well...

"A blighted ovum diagnosis cannot be made if a yolk sac is seen. An embryo is needed for a yolk sac to be visible. Often, a baby will be seen one week after the yolk sac is viewed."

Now I have NO false hope and I am aware that the odds of viability are stacked high against us, not to mention me getting pregnant in the midst of ET meaning so the Egg that should have implanted didn't and then another did 2 weeks later from the last time me and DH had our fling? BUT I do believe in God and miracles and I know that ANYTHING is possible with God. God is always willing to do all the hard work for you! Thank you, Lord, for the change of heart and continuing to keep me on the journey for a little longer, your will be done and your peace surrounds my heart.

Some people may think this is dragging out the pain but actually not for me, I have already dealt with most of that pain 3/22 when I got the call that BETA was 520 after a week of waiting, the RE's office wasnt very optimistic on that phone call and my spirits were low for the week following. What I have been though is terrified of an ectopic since the HCG kept going higher and higher but now that it is ruled out, I am breathing a sigh of relief but I worry about another special person from the NH forum that had to deal with it. She is in my thoughts at the moment, I want so bad for her to pull through all of this. Sometimes we think our pain is so great that we do not realize that others deal with the same and some a little worse.

At the moment I sit and wait for more news and think to myself....."my what a fighter this peanut is, was, or would be?" Limbo Loves Me I suppose and so I sit in limbo and wait for more news next tuesday, come whatever it is I certainly have become quite the science project.

Adoption.......too much too soon

Me and DH went to a baby shower yesterday. It was for his bestfriend's sister. She adopted an infant and the baby was this tiny adorable 7 week old little darling, plus there was a friend that was 9 months pregnant. I was doing okay considering and was having a good time....truth be told a little anxiety was there but not much.

Anyway the shower honoree said to me "Are you ready?" and I smiled and she probed again and I said that when God blesses us then we are ( keep in mind NOBODY knows that we are dealing with infertility or that I am sitting there 8 weeks pregnant or should be with an empty sac).....long story short the honoree tells the social worker ( who was at the festivities as well) I want you to help her as well. I was so shocked that I didnt say anything. Inside I was thrilled that I would deal with someone so closely and could probably have our adopted baby soon, this is all too soon.

Later I was discussing with DH and he shot it down, ???? HUH??? didn't you say you wanted to adopt, he said this baby is from a young pregnant teen and he didnt want to deal with her wanting her child later on. DH said he doesnt want to give up trying for his own bilogical child first and then we can pursue adoption.

I WANTED to scream, hello it has been 7 years of trying, 7 years of unprotected sex with my clogged tubes, we are in no financial position to do IVF right now and in 9 months we would have a baby, and he wants to wait. I didn't scream or push, but rather I respect his feelings We can of course finance and put our selves in debt but I seriously am not sure I want to do that. I want a baby and at any cost but we are already over extended...if we extend just to have the baby, HOW will we afford the baby? This is all so hard, tuesday just get here so I can get over this and move on to the next step.

Blighted Ovum?...I guess Maybe

Right now I still am not sure what diagnosis I fit in but since somethings are still not adding up, but the Doctor said that she can 95% rule out Ectopic. On 4/2 HCG was 9900 on 4/6 it went to 14000 so that sac is sending HCG but it didnt grow from the U/S on 3/30 and so the doctor said she thinks it is a Blighted Ovum. Anyway FINAL appointment followup to see growth is 4/17 after that if there is nothing viable seen then D & C. Lord I hope we are making the right decision.

A blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”) happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum occurs within the first trimester, often before a woman knows she is pregnant. A high level of chromosome abnormalities usually causes a woman’s body to naturally miscarry

.

How can a blighted ovum be prevented?
Unfortunately, in most cases a blighted ovum cannot be prevented. Some couples will seek out genetic testing if multiple early pregnancy loss occurs. A blighted ovum is often a one time occurrence, and rarely will a woman experience more than one. Most doctors recommend couples wait at least 1-3 regular menstrual cycles before trying to conceive again after any type of miscarriage.

Well it is good to know that I may never deal with this again but heart breaking to think it was egg quality or sperm quality. I hope not and besides it's a theory I am not accepting that into our reality. I am shifting my focus to our wedding. On to the positive side of our life, our wonderful bundle will be here soon, my womb will be blessed. We just know it and have prayed for it.

It's another Day and I am blessed

I am blessed despite the things I face !!!!

At my request DH skipped the PIO shots on Friday and Saturday, I know I am a bad girl but since there are no findings on the Ultrasound and my butt is sore I needed a break. Yesterday he did it and gave me a higher dose to make up for the lost times.

Sympthoms: CRUEL as they are some still linger. Like food aversion, boobs hurt everytime I gave someone a hug saturday OUCH..., queasy after eating something I probably shouldn't but no throw up.

This was quite the weekend, my 21 year old cousin is 9 months PREGNANT
(unplanned and unwanted at first) so I threw her a get together baby shower at my mom's house. This was SUPER HARD at first ( I cried in the aisle at Walmart getting baby stuff in DH's collar), I think I avoided her stomach like the plague or looking directly at her, BUT overall I had a great time. I got to play with my 14 month old God daughter, be around family, friends and realize just how incredibly blessed I am. This will take time and I realize that my heart will hurt for a while but it will be strengthened and then I can move on from here. DH agreed that we can still try another MINI IVF when financially we have saved but that wasn't my excitement he said we can then adopt a child as well. YAY. I have been trying to get DH on board to adopting for a long time, and while it is a long process with the state I wanted to do it with or without having a child of my own. I havent spoken to him about it but I think I might temporarily opt to move to a state where IVF is mandated in the insurance and then move back once the deed is done. There have been a few people that have done this including a couple I suspect as well but no proof. CT is definitely a state mandated and I know someone there we are not exceptionally close but I also have other friends I can also hang out with if necessary, since all this is a secret no one will know why the sudden move right? We shall see DH will probably NOT agree. I prefer going to a mandated state so we are not lost in debt

Honestly I am still NOT in a place to try again, but in time I am sure I will be. In the meantime, I cannot wait to shed this weight I gained and to get more conclusive answers on whats happening, what the heck is going on inside me? What do I do next? Am I facing surgery which is scary?

There are some miracle postings of people NOT seeing there baby until 8 weeks along, but with the improved technology of today that is almost unlikely in my case but hey anything is possible. I will not give myself false hope, I have FAITH in my God and trust whatever the situation and its outcome. I will know more tommorrow and from there I will know what to do but it's another day and I feel blessed..

Appt Update and It isn't Great

“And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

I won't hear the beta results until next tuesday however I did ask the U/S tech what is going on well she said the sac is still measuring the same size about 5 weeks with no visible baby.

Oddly enough I was NOT crushed, I prayed before I walked in that building and I have been through so many emotions but I went in confident that my baby is fine. God's will has been done and I accept it. Next tuesday we wait to hear if this is an ectopic to explain the tiny sac or blighted ovum? I am not sure but I do not think a miscarriage would continue to produce HCG assuming that the number got higher, as crazy and confusing as this all have been I am not angry, I just hope that others do not have to go through this and if they are then you know that nothing happens without a reason, even reasons you cannot understand or want to accept.

I plan to use the next few months to get ME back, I need to be cleansed from all these hormones that I have been taking and start working out again. Honestly,I would prefer to adopt than to go through another emotional rollercoaster with meds, monitoring & drugs. Even if I had another emby at NH, where I am mentally I am not sure I would go back anytime soon to endure this all over again, but of course it would have been great to have one so we had the option. The thought that me and DH will have to find at a minimum of $5000 to do another cycle is so out of water for us at the moment BUT if we put our mind to saving then YES we can do it. $5000 to some sounds like not much but for us it is a lot for our budget. I do not think I would return to NH for another cycle, not because I didnt get great care but the travel costs was well over $2000 in the end I am sure. There is a place in North Florida that does mini ivf for $4500 ( 4 hour drive) including meds and monitoring and then another place in NYC that offers it for $3800. Options are there but I am NOT so sure I want to go through them for at least another 6 months plus of course we need to save like there is no tommorrow. I emailed the billing dept at NH a week ago to get an idea and no response to date so this also help me come to the decision that I cannot deal with the lack of communication if we saved and had to deal with this, especially for me when I am already on the fence wondering if I should EVER do this again.

Information
If you are in the South Florida area and wanted to get information on IVF then here is what I found and wanted to share. There is one for 3 cycle attempts for $9900

http://www.fertilityandgenetics.com/

But I also realize that certain costs are additional such as ICSI which we would want, and assisted hatching as well so it may make better sense to return to NYC as the costs there seem lower even if NOT at NH, as there are so many doctors with competition so lots of clinics include it in their $5000 package and NYC also offers a grant package but you must be a resident. There are always options and while for now, I do not want to jump right back in the swing of things I wanted to post the information for people that wanted to start and needed a good idea how and where.

Appointments are Today.....freaking out

Got to work late this morning I was at Labcorp for an hour with no appointment which was my fault. I had to do bloodwork follow up and then my U/S is scheduled for 4pm today as well, Monday's HCG was 9900 so today not sure where it should be but I doubt it can double as much once it starts to get so much higher. I have been having terrible nightmares all week of how badly it will turn out at the U/S but there was one good dream about me having a son. At Labcorp I was squirming in my seat, almost ran out of there and I had to think rationally, running from this wont change my sitaution ( it's silly now that I think of it).

The nurse at Labcorp could NOT find a vein and it hurt like hell for the little blood she was able to get from me OUCH....gosh when will this be over, positively of course and soon I hope. Since I cannot drink a glass of wine, prayer has been keeping me sane, and a few curse words too, okay I admitt it but I have an excuse, I am loosing my mind in limbo.

My feelings: FREAK OUT MODE....probably would type gibberish at work as I do in some of my previous posts if I didn't do accounting, thank goodness it is all numbers. I purposely do not fix the errors in my blog as tacky as it may be to some, because I want to remember how frantic I was and my feelings at the time. I dunno, its therapuetic to me but I apologize for anyone who has to read the grammatical nonsense I spew. :-)

DH is freaking out but trying to hold it together every day since tuesday he has asked when is your next appointment dear? How do you feel honey? So does this mean you are still pregnant? Why are you always sleeping when you get home from work? How are your boobs? Can you stay positive and be happy from at least what the last doctor said? Do you feel anything in there? And oh yeah the other night I got up in the middle of the night and he all but carried me to the ladies room all because I must have seemed like I was struggling (I was hlf asleep) LOL. It is cute but according to him he is not freaking out right..... yeah ok.

IF THERE IS ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE GOING THROUGH A ROLLERCOASTER OF EMOTIONS AFTER IVF/FET HERE IS A VERY HELPFUL LINK I FOUND

http://abeautifulday.blogs.com/when_ivf_worksthings_the_/2010/05/when-ivf-.html



Sympthoms/Concerns: Hhmmmmm boobs not as ba but yeah they hurt. I pee frequently but again not as much as the first 1 1/2 week where I could go all the time, now yes the urgency is still there but not reading into anything. At the end of the day, I know I will get through this with either outcome. aT the moment I am channeling happy thoughts, sticky vibes, and baby dust. What would make my day?- hmmmm to see a beating heart or to see development of ANY KIND. My hearts desires have been prayed to God so now I wait, and as painful as it is to feel like you are heading into either a blissful abyss or a painful situation it has to happen. I end with this for now and I will follow up later on the results...

The Saga Continues

I feel like our life has become one big soap opera where we are constantly on the edge of our seats wondering what's happening next.

My HCG blood results for Monday 4/2 came in at 9900

,

the attending OB/GYN the one that is very optimistic said she thinks the levels are rising nicely and from what was reported friday the U/S that was measuring 4 weeks 6 days there is nothing to worry about. She also told me to make sure I continue the progesterone but there was no reason to continue the estrogen. I should be excited but I didnt really feel that, I told DH and he asked me why wasn't I and I told him the many emotions I have gone through I cannot be happy until they do a scan and see something, movement, growth, baby, a heartbeat. I told him IF we never had that one week where the levels barely moved then I would be comfortable but that Ectopic word still lingers, my fears linger, my hopes barely a glimmer.

What happens Now?: Next U/S 4/7 with bloodwork. I do a followup the following tuesday. According to the IVF due date calculator I should be 7w2d but I do not fit into that anymore as far as I know I know measuring 2 weeks behind based on the dot that was on the screen, lets see if this dot is growing, lets see if I can see a baby.

Sympthoms: Still not urinating as often, boobs still tender but still on PIO, sleepy but not like the first 1 1/2 of doing betas and finding out I am pregnant. I am aware that sympthoms come and go BUT.......I leave it at the BUT.

My thoughts: Lord please continue to guide us on this journey, I am scared and my heart is heavy, help me to be thankful for a miracle. I pray that things are progressing.

THINGS GOT MORE WEIRD

So I left off stating that on 3/26 my HCG was 2120 well, on 3/28 it went to 4900, Estradiol at 416 and Progesterone at 26 all great except the Ultrasound only shows a tiny dot which could be a puesedo sac that would be in line with an Ectopic. The RE's office has communicated with the OB/GYN and all my records were sent over both have suggested to me that I am having an Ectopic pregnancy.....but things got weird.........

I saw an attending OB/GYN today 3/30/2012 and she looked at my charts she said there is NOTHING to her that suggests that I am having an ectopic however she is not saying I am NOT having one either. She said it could also be a blighted ovum but she hates to jump to conclusion without looking at all options because she told someone that and she has a healthy baby boy. Her advice to me was to go get another Ultrasound which I did and do more bloodwork. She also told me I should NOT have stopped medication and that nothing is over until it is confirmed over. After speaking with her I felt so much more comfortable she was so understanding, maybe because she was a woman.

Here is where it got weird, the Ultrasound tech today was the one that did my Ultrasound on 3/22 and saw nothing and now she says she sees a tiny black dot. She said what is strange about it is it was not there when she did her search the week before but then now it is present. She did the measurement of the dot and it is around 4 weeks 6 days...obviously these days are off for my FET ivf cycle and really I should be 6 weeks 6 days based on a blastocyst transfer but what the attending doctor told me echoed in my ears, "I have seen stranger things happen and it isnt over until it is confirmed over."

Here is an U/S pic of 4 weeks it isnt mine but it looks exactly the same

My feelings-I am COMPLETELY effing confused. I called DH and told him and he is just as confused. I have gone through so many emotions in one week it is crazy, first devastation, glimmer of hope, acceptance of the ectopic, pain in my heart for what I have to do, fear, and now glimmer of hope again. Realistically I am not sure if there could be a happy outcome even if my emby is fighting but if I can do anything to help I will. Due to the conflicted stories I wish I didnt stop the meds but I did. I wanted to note that I am still not feeling anything extreme, the frequent urine is not as much, my boobs still hurt even after stopping Progesterone for the last few days but nothing crazy. For now we will continue what little meds we have, thank God for this journey and continue to walk to see where the Lord is taking us.

LIMBO IS INTERESTING...

JUST A QUICK UPDATE FROM BETA YESTERDAY.......DRUM ROLL 2120? WTH? Yes I am just as confused as you may be too. Just a recap Beta #1=88, Beta #2=204, a whole week later Beta #3=520 (devastating tears), 4 days later Beta #4=2120. The RE's office is not sure what is happening but advised me that it should be higher so they fear ectopic and ordered more bloodwork and an U/S for 3/28/2012. They are being mindful to not get my hopes up and were apologetic that I am dealing with this, that made me feel so much better. The questions are asked again if I am feeling any pain or spotting and both are NO.

My feelings: I have to say I was very disappointed in my self for loosing hope so soon and not trusting in my God more. In no way am I thinking that everything is okay because the number I received yesterday should have at least been what I received on 3-22 but the fact that it went from 520 to 2120 in 4 days shows that there is progress, even if it is NOT in the right place. I prayed to God and his will be done in this situatiion.

Where do we go from here? For now we continue Meds, and wait to hear the results when completed on 3/28/2012. I will probably hear the U/S results sooner than the blood and know for sure if this ectopic, incomplete, heterotopic or normal. I have no preggo sympthoms really, just the boobs but attributed to the PIO injections. I feel good today and have been since yesterday BEFORE the news that beta went up, quite frankly I expected him to tell me it went down and I was fully awaiting that news. I have hope and have read cases where women have gone on to healthy pregnancies even with the setback of slow beta rises. God has this one and so I wait to see where the road leads, but it certainly makes limbo more interesting, but limbo still sucks.

DEVASTATING 3RD BETA AND LIMBO

On me and DH's 10 year anniversary, I received the news that in one week my HCG BETA only went from 204 to 520 and I am devastated. I cannot get into my feelings right now but I will later on, my way of healing is pushing it all away for now and being prayerful and thankful. I am in Limbo because I was advised to continue on meds which I did not want to and honestly I didnt really take the pills and then I had to do another Beta this morning which brought tears to my eyes. I may not even answer the phone when called with the results. I am choosing to not answer the phone because I did when I got the news last week and it is hard to deal with while working. I will come back to document the events in more detail but for now, I just wanted to add the serenity prayer. I choose to walk out the journey the Lord has for me…and while I may not understand the why’s, I remember that I am loved by a Father who would stop at nothing to prove just how much. Living by love requires constant choices on my part to live that way, to trust that way, to understand that I am not and will never be abandoned. But my humanness reverts easily to feel brokem when the circumstances around me hurt.

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.


Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

The Appt I could have done without

Here's how it went down.....

3/19/2012

Anxiously I awaited my first prenatal visit, full of excitement, nervousness and anticipation but was met with somewhat of a flat feeling when I left.

First let's talk about the wait, okay it was only 30 minutes but still, the nurse had me pee in a cup to confirm I was pregnant...hmmm has anyone lied about being pregnant to see the doctor? Sorry that cynical thought did run across my mind while I peeing in the cup I know it is procedure. Anyway nurse lady was calculating my due date and did it based on a 3 day IVF transfer and she came up with 11/24/2012 to which she sweetly mumbled that it will be more accurate when I do my first U/S ( no shit sherlock). Again it was NOT her fault, I was kinda cranky from waiting was all. It went on to her telling me she has no idea what a blastocyst was..... WHAT?, whether I did an embryo transfer or not that is something I would presume you would know working in an OB/GYN's office and seeing a parade of pregnant women. OMG the thought hit, does she know where babies come from? :-) I should probably give her one of my pregnancy books.

I was being nice until she scarcastically said wow why go to NYC you do know we do IVF in FL to which I flippantly said "Well it was free, thats right FREE IVF, so it worked for me". Yep that shut her up while she went over and typed up some notes but she got me good, she made me get on the scale, my arch nemesis... ( expletives were floating in my head) BUT I am a christian woman, and trying to become a more understanding person, so I know that I have to curb my language, (says the woman that sometimes when extremely angry blurts a few expletives), HEY I AM HUMAN, a God fearing and loving human but HUMAN none the less..not perfect.

Okay went into the Doctors chambers to talk, I wasn't happy I was not shown to a medical room but whatever. His office is expansive and really lovely south florida views, reall tranquil, the chairs were comfy, I had a nice view and was about to dose off when he walks in. CRAP !!!

Hey how are you, how can I help you. Of course I couldn't resist and so I said read your chart. He switched gears and told me how lovely I looked, yeah right....I had the worst hair day from hell but nice try. Anyway all in all he was telling me the brown spotting was normal, that it could be a miscarriage yep fun stuff that is exactly what I wanted to do pay a co-pay to be scared half to death. He said he knows how much I want this and goes on to reiminsce about my damage tubes and him finding it....okay I allowed him the memory lane thing and at the end of it he then told me some other scary stuff that my Beta should be 3200 on thursday and that he will schedule an U/S friday and then a follow up immediately, hhhhmmm.

So in a nut shell, the Appt let me feeling flat and him dropping the M word twice didnt go over well with me. He didnt ask me how I was eating but he did ask me if I was tired and if my boobs hurt. He didnt offer me any books ( I already have 2) and he didnt ask me or offer to write me a script for prenatals so as the title says... THIS WAS AN APPT I COULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT.

My next beta is 3/22 and I cannot wait, I am still sleepy, boobs hurt and itch. I read somewhere that itching causes stretch marks so lately I have been applying Cocoa butter cream and NO it doesnt really help so I will move on to the oil and vitamin E oil. These are the little things I think of to remain positive that my baby is growing and getting comfy in mommy.
Today I could be 5w1d, 5w3d or for some 5w5d. I am completely confused and cannot wait to get a more accurate time. I am in an exceptionally chipper mood today. Yesterday I made the decision to stop freaking myself out about what i am feeling and what I am NOT feeling, just to enjoy the ride.

Move Along Sunday So I can get to Manic Monday

WARNING I AM JUST RAMBLING IN SEVERAL DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS

Most times I cannot wait for the weekends to get here, for some much needed R & R but this one I am wishing away so I can get in to see the OB/GYN monday afternoon. The brown spotting is BACK. Initially it stopped thursday night, it then came again saturday afternoon once, I noticed AFTER me and DH did the laundry and then later in the evening I had such sharp pains in my stomach he almost couldn't do the PIO shot and then just as suddenly it stopped. Sleeping was very difficult my boobs hurt so much and then I woke up this morning and more spotting again, it is definitely nerve wrecking so the very first thing I do as I do daily is send my prayers to God and thanking him for another day, for our baby, and for blessing my womb and keeping my baby safe. I am SO ready to go see the OB/GYN to get some more insight, waiting for beta thursday will not sit too well with me.

Me and DH need your prayers for our embie that he is snuggling inside mommy and fighting to hold on.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Vintage Inspires Me
I love the fashion of the 20's, 30's and the 40's. I have always wanted to do the pin up thing but never actually went through with it, I have bits and pieces of clothing here and there. Anyway while browsing the net and trying to send my embie sticky vibes I came across a site that offered you guessed it VINTAGE Maternity Wear, how exciting. Woo Hoo, I am not sure I would actually shop at the website but I definitely will take inspiration.

http://www.shabbyapple.com/c-35-mama-apple.aspx

Wedding Planning
Another way I am trying to pass the time today is doing some wedding planning for my self as well as some would be clients. I am an event planner mainly started as a hobby. So far only 1 wedding but have planned and executed several themed birtday parties, baby showers, and bachelorette parties and I absolutely LOVE IT. I am a planner so dealing with things that are not always tangible for me can be difficult. I really love watching the show FOUR WEDDINGS ON TLC. If you havent checked it out you should it is so much fun to watch, not just for ideas but also to take notes of the comments from the visiting guests. Do not get me started on David Tutera on My Fair Weddings on WE TV, I just love his creativity.

The Wedding Dress
I have been secretly coveting a particular wedding dress by designer Mori Lee. I LOVE IT but will not wear it to my wedding, and here is why, while absolutely stunning, the reception will be a party feel and I know this will be way to sophisticated for the atmosphere....In the meantime I share its beauty here for any bride to be that may come across this picture. BTW it is style 1801

Premature to Plan Ahead ?

I woke up ridiculously early this morning and I fully expect to nap maybe several times throughout the day. I decided to remove the due date ticker for a few reasons

1. I think the dates are wrong
2. I would hate for someone that had a bad cycle to see that right now
3. I could be jumping the gun a little and I need to wait until I feel 100% secure.

Anyway yesterday I called my OB/GYN's office and to my complete surprise I was asked to come in Monday for my first prenatal appointment which I think puts me at a solid 5 weeks or 5w2d. I contemplated contacting them prior to being released from the RE because the RE is miles away for me and I have to wait and wait for my next instructions, I think I would be more at ease if I can at least already have this process started so should anything arise....I pray nothing of course...then they can handle my needs. Hence the title Premature to plan ahead?

Symptoms: Tingling or soreness in my tatas (breasts) and darkening of the areola, the need to urinate more frequently and feeling more tired than usual. No morning sickness but hungry feelings then when I start to eat I feel full after a few bites and definitely having food aversions.

FUN STUFF
This morning I came across something on the internet that is so me and I thought I should share...Economical, Fashion-Forward Maternity Wear for Stylish Moms-to-Be. Holy crap this is sooooo right up my alley. I like to stay on top of the fashion trends for the most part. Some things I dont indulge in but for the most part it is just me. I love clothes, and I love shoes, the intensity isnt as I was in my 20's when I have blown an entire weeks paycheck on clothes, shoes and handbags absolutely irresponsibly. Now I try to do little perk shopping here and there and of course around the seasons. I am a regular at the Semi Annual sales at Victoria Secrets and I may need to buy stock in Macy's and Charlotte Russe when they have sales. For the past 8 months while going through this journey to conceive, I have gained weight and not been as trendy as I normally am. I suppose the endless doctor visits, blood draws, disappointments and emotional rollercoaster didnt really cause there to be much of an appeal. Havent touched stilletos since....hell well over 2 months a go and I am going through fashion withdrawal. These things are of course petty at the moment and heels shouldn't hurt my embie but the fear that it will outweighs the vanity to wear them. The biggest factor is also the $$$$$$ DINERO, me and DH have been spending so much all in such a short time that it has put a dent in our wallets. To top things off we are saving for a wedding a year from now......seems like it may turn out to be a tiny shindig after all. Ok enough rambling about me.

Sassy Info

Denim Therapy Jeans....Expecting moms can reduce their carbon footprint (and forgo buying frumpy ‘mom’ jeans) and reuse their favorite pair of jeans as maternity wear by having Denim Therapy expand the waistline to fit their burgeoning belly throughout pregnancy

Directly from there website "Denim Therapy will restore your jeans to their original size. The cost? Just $60. What a great green alternative that will leave you looking like a ‘haute mama‘ in your jeans throughout your pregnancy and beyond"



Of course my attitude is this, what is the material used for the stretch and can't I try adding this myself? Uhhhmmm okay I would sooner take it to the nearest seamstress but still it has to be cheaper than sending it out with shipping and handling. I do have a pair or two of jeans I adore and would love to do this to but then again Motherhood carries great styles from heidi Klum for less to begin with...so while they offer economical ideas it may not be the "BEST" deals, the fact that they exist for a fashionista like me though is enough to make a girl smile.

Another great thing on the market
A Bella band is every pregnant woman’s best friend for keeping unbuttoned pants cleverly and discreetly concealed during those awkward ‘in-between’ stages of one’s pregnancy.

I will share more ideas as I find them and of course as I need/wear them but for now just browsing the things that are to come.

One thing I may HAVE to buy this weekend is a SLEEP Bra, I was desperate to find out what others used for relief with the boob soreness thing... DH hugged me full on yesterday and it was so painful, showers arent so bad though but laying on my girls a certain way....OUCH....anyway someone recommend these and I will probably indulge.
Here are some other tips that are also helpful.

•Wear a sports bra.
A sports bra can help minimize movement of your breasts, which is one reason you might feel pain. YES I love my sports brs right now.

•Sleep in a bra.
You might find that sleeping in a bra is helpful to minimize movement and help with tenderness. I havent slept without one in days.

BETA #2 AND A BROWN VISITOR

First the good news....

I got BETA # 2 results yesterday 3/14/2012 and it was 204, that is a doubling time of 39.57 WOO HOO.

My little peanut is making a home in mamas womb, carry on my sweet go as deep as you need to and grow, grow, grow. I am not so sure that ticker is accurate with how far along I am but I guess I can always change that when I do my first ultrasound. Next Beta testing is 3/22/2012 but I may do one sooner, well maybe.

Not so good news.....I think...

This morning I noticed that after peeing when I wipe I see light brown on TP, like the end of your period type thing but light and nothing on my undies.



Another freaking thing to make me worry and wonder what the heck is going on right? I turned to Dr. Google and it seems to be common, it could be implantation bleeding, some left over gunk in my cervix or of course a miscarriage. I didnt want to think of the "M" word but I know that it exists but I wont speak that into my existence, I spent the day working, talking to my tummy privately and staying positive. My prayers are already with my God. This too is but another turn on my journey for baby. The devil will not have me a worrysome mess though, my God has got complete control and will take care of it all.

I have had no cramps today, well none I can remember just maybe a pulling here and there. Since I am on a medicated cycle it is hard to tell what I am feeling or what I should attribute to my body or these meds that are going into my body. It's all so confusing at times. What I can do is eat right, and give my baby all the nutrients it needs, I hope spicy isnt a problem because I love spicy food, hmmmmmmm I love Spicy Ginger Chicken or Pad Thai Chicken. I will of course limit my intake but it is my guilty pleasure. DH has banned me from seafood, when the heck did he become an MD? They told me only 2 12 oz servings of fish per week and he translated this to NO seafood. I won't argue.....for now......but when I am in the mood for shrimp then he will have to shut up.

Changes: None same old sore boobs not so terrible though, nails are growing, face is glowing ( could be the estrogen pills though) and smells are starting to become heightened, this morning I would have thrown myself out of the car than to smell DH's breakfast another second, thank goodness he was at his destination when I at the bring of insanity from the smell.


Side Note:
Me and DH ( Dear Heart and soon to be Dear Husband) are trying to save for our wedding a year from now currently we have depleted all funds, then my car went in the shop and the repairs are a whopping $500 WTH, oh well thank goodness we have 2 cars so while it makes things a little tricky, it didnt cause too much a dent in our lives just our wallets. I pray there is nothing else so I can get back on track, obviously this wedding will become more DIY then I anticipated but hey, it is about our love and celebrating with or friends.

BETA RESULTS 9DP6DT

Beta results for 3/12/2012 9dp6dt was 88.. I am not dreaming, I didn't imagine the test lines for the first time in my life,

I AM PREGNANT

.

Myth: Once you get a positive pregnancy test, all is well and IF is over.-NOT.
Even though you may hit that milestone during your IF treatments of seeing those 2 pink lines, it honestly means nothing to most of us until the end result of holding a healthy baby in our arms. IF will never be over even once I am holding a baby because the chances of me conceiving on my own are slim to none. I am the believer of jumping hurdles though so seeing that positive was one, getting it confirmed is another, but there are others, oh yes there are others and I have faith like a mustard seed. I am cautiously excited as most infertiles are when they get the news they have been hoping for, but numbers, doubling times, and that feelings of gut wrenching fear take away the complete bliss that we should feel. At the moment what are my thoughts? Hoping that my Beta is doubling. I found this tidbit of information online.....

IT (beta) does NOT need to double in 48hrs. Doubling rate is 48-72hrs. A 60% increase in 48hrs is really what is looked for.

Of course, leave it to me...I'm officially pregnant, prayerful, BUT YET still a little worried! I have learned to try not to worry while I wait oo much though, it will not change the outcome one way or the other SO I might as well enjoy this blissful momonet and the GOOD news shared rather than the ones that might be shared or may never be shared. I am hoping no bad news are EVER shared, I have had enough, so much it prompted me to start blogging because it seemed I would never make it to ET.

Sympthoms-Sleepy, tired, sore boobs, off and on cramping, hunger pains and thirst. I can write off every single one of those to PIO and the extra weight I have gained due to it as well.

According to some calculators I am 4w1d and others 4w5d, either way just pregnant I suppose, according to justmommies.com


4 weeks is as follows
Baby: Baby is approximately 1 mm long (about the size of a poppy seed) and looks sort of like a tadpole. Your microscopic embryo is already hard at work this week creating the placenta, umbilical cord and the basics of his or her body.

Your second trimester begins May 08, 2012.
Your third trimester begins August 21, 2012.


MORE INFO TO KEEP ME SANE

Beta hCG level chart

hCG levels during pregnancy
(in weeks since last menstrual period)

3 weeks LMP 5 - 50 mIU/ml
4 weeks LMP 5 - 426 mIU/ml
5 weeks LMP 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml
6 weeks LMP 1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml
7 - 8 weeks LMP 7, 650 - 229,000 mIU/ml
9 - 12 weeks LMP 25,700 - 288,000 mIU/ml
13 - 16 weeks LMP 13,300 - 254,000 mIU/ml
17 - 24 weeks LMP 4,060 - 165,400 mIU/ml
25 - 40 weeks LMP 3,640 - 117,000 mIU/ml
non pregnant 55-200 ng/ml

Progesterone Level Chart

Progesterone during pregnancy
First Trimester 9-47
Second Trimester 17-147 ng/ml
Third Trimester 55-200 ng/ml

POAS Remorse but hey I did it again

Friday 3/9/2012 at 5pm I bought and peed on a stick, I did it rather quickly and it was prompted because I getting those AF (Aunt Flow) like cramps and there it was 6dp6dt the second line bright not as bright as control but there all the same, I showed DH and while elated we were nervous and went about our evening of a movie at home and dinner. The night progressed to PIO shots and endless peeing for me. I admit I also woke up drank some water and then peed which probably didn't make it any better. If I didnt know better it felt like I got up 100 times but really it may have been 10 but boy it was annoying.

Saturday morning 3/10 at 6am I get up and peed on the second test did I mention I used Firt Response Early Response? Anyway this time it took the 3 or so minutes for the second line and it was much lighter than the one I took the day before and my stomach sank. I wasn't going to tell DH because he had to go to work but he woke up and wanted to see it and did and said well

A LINE IS A LINE

This is absolutely one of the reasons I love DH no matter what he almost ALWAYS see the glass as half full, always optimistic. I am the same but I at times falter but not him, it just isnt over until it's over for him. I did a quick research maybe to ease my mind, or just to confirm any dreaded false news but this is what I have learned about Home Preganancy Tests

no two tests are the same EVEN from the same box,
once you see a line it isn't relevant that it is faint or bright if HCG is detected in your urine then you should assume you are positive.

We remain prayerful and hopeful that our emby has stuck and is in there snuggling tight with mommy. I have decided against peeing on any more sticks, well I hope I don't anyway. I didnt like the up and down feeling. Would I recommend that people pee on a stick? No ! But if you must, I would say wait it out maybe until the morning of Beta testing, save yourself the torture and madness. This way you are not worried if you saw a shadow, or an actual line.

To my emby,
I know you have been very busy for the past few days. Fighting your way in the darkness of my body. You were my perfect blast when transferred, I hope you are getting snuggly tight inside. Fight as hard as you can my child to be so in 9 months I get to see you and hold you in my arms. Me and your Dad want you so much so continue to fight. God has blessed us with your development, for without him none of this would be possible. Let him continue to guide your way and stay embie, please stay. Hold on tight and fight fight fight. Mommy has beening helping in anyway with the PIO shots and, Estrace and Prenatal pills, if there was anything else I could do, I would gladly do it to make sure I see you.

Love
Your Mom



PART 2-More STICKS PLEASE AND YOU WILL SEE WHY

My 8dp6dt test is much darker now BUT it does not show well in the photo.

3:00 p.m. I was over doing things and my body responded by some serious lower back pains and harsh AF like cramps. I became really uneasy, and I told DH to drive me to the store. I bought another 2 pack of First Reponse, it took me a while to buy them. My rational is blood test is in the morning so why spend more but the cramps, me over doing it and so forth.

Here are all the sticks I kept, why you ask? I dunno I suppose for my own sense of comfort, or hope. An infertile's hurdles never seem to end first you pray for a positive, then a good beta, then that the beta doubles and so on and so on and so on.

View my parade of sticks, the photos suck sorry I used my crappy phone.

To Pee or Not to Pee On a Stick...JUST SPRINKLE BABY DUST INSTEAD

I have been going back and forth in my head on if I want to POAS (Pee On Stick-referring to a home pregnancy test) or to Not Pee. I am not sure what I am feeling inside and do not think I am feeling anything at all. Thank goodness the clinic I attend tests in 7 days for me 9 since the 7th day would be on a saturday...great 2 more days of ignorant bliss if I choose. But would rather than stress over testing just blessings, baby dust, and 2 more days to tell my embie to stay with mommy.

On one hand I do not want to know, on the other I want to know a head of time to either be extremely happy or deal with whatever I may need to. I am hoping for the best, I want a baby, me and DH both. My temptation increases day to day but I have some good and bad things to keep me distracted.



BAD NEWS, GOOD NEWS SECTION

The Bad-I found out that our dept would be closing down soon and the office moved an hour away, this would be okay except I already drive 30 mins to work so an hour and a half for me would not be practical that would be 3 hours of travel time and too stressful besides wont even entertain it if offered. I am sworn to secrecy so I have been walking around with this all week and I feel bad that I know but glad that I know. All savings have been depleted on traveling, meds, and our result having to pay out of pocket for the doctor. My plan is to wait it out and be as surprised as everybody else when the ax falls, I plan to go back to school too, I have always had a strong interest in Law, we shall see. The plan is no more spending, and the wedding plans probably will be tweaked but I have so much faith if NOT working and going to school is too much then I will go back to work. DH has a trade but as such one week he is busy and the next he may not be, it isnt ideal and the medical insurance is probably my biggest worry...which reminds me to make a bunch of appointments in the next coming weeks and not touch my vacation time since I will get paid for them.

The Good- Life is good and everyday is a gift. My Happy and positive outlook on things, the reassuring way I feel after speaking with God and also speaking to my Embie that was transferred to my uterus. It gives me peace so to go pee on a stick right now for me....may not be the best thing.

Egg Transfer FINALLY Over ... 3-3-2012

Should have been posted 3/5/2012 but glitch in the Matrix I guess.


One thing I have learnt on this journey, You need to be hopeful, but at the same time, if you have unrealistically high expectations, you have further to fall, if events don’t work out as you hope.

Arrived in NYC Wednesday Night
At New Hope by 8:00 am ...I went back for monitoring on thursday to confirm there was fluid and EURKEA there was fluid but lining and all levels were PERFECT and miraculously no fluid in the Uterus which I suppose is some good news. They determined that our transfer would take place on Saturday 3/3/2012 WOO HOO. It was really going to happen!!

On the subway I was so nervous, but held DH's hand at various points throughout the trip back to our friends apartment (she has no idea what we are doing or what we will be doing in 2 days), might I add there are always some very interesting characters are on the Subway.

When I arrived at New Hope 3/3 for my ET ( Egg Transfer), I was beaming but not as nervous as I anticipated, wasnt sure if I was being normal. Imagine my shock when I saw the largest group of people in the waiting room I had ever encountered…The thawing process takes a few hours and my transfer was scheduled for 10a.m. but they had asked me to arrive at 9a.m. so there I was AT 8:40 just sitting with DH scanning the room and waiting our turn.

At 9:40, my name was called and she was smiling – THANK GOD!
another hurdle crossed...
I followed her into the room, changed into my glamour gown and went out to the waiting room to wait my turn.

My name was called, I verified my information, they checked my medical bracelet to make sure everything matched, and I was led back to "the chair" I am not a fan of this chair and told DH about it… this baby has holsters for your thighs. There was the doctor, embryologist and a nurse that seemed like she wasnt in the mood to be there today. OH WELL. I positioned myself, the most unflattering lights in the universe were shown on my most unflattering parts, and another doc walked in to assist. Then the most magical and scientifically amazing thing took place… they first showed me the swollen tube and then began the work on aspiration, I actually watched and heard the fluid being drained...I didnt look at the actual fluid when it came out didnt want to see it. As far as I am concerned that fluid is evil and toxic for my baby.

Anyway they then started the process of transferring my emby, I was so nervous but made myself calm down, I didnt want to mess anything up, I relaxed and thought, my sweetie is coming home...He then used a tiny syringe to extract the embryo from the microscope slide and carefully handed it to the doctor, It was all over in less than 10 minutes. I was then escorted to the recovery chairs and there I layed back with legs propped up for 15 minutes alone with my thougths and my embie. The nurse came in and gave me an HCG shot after ( OUCH)and then it hit me Wow, I am pregnant until proven otherwise…

All the odds were stacked against this embryo but all the love too:

-It reached blastocyst a day later than it should have (day 6)
-I have Hydrosalphinx in both tubes the right is still open but the Left was fluid filled and it had to be aspirated prior to the ET.
-It was just one! And we have NO MORE...

There are some reports that a medicated cycle is better than a natural that may up out chances but I dont care just want a baby.

The trip home 3/4/2012, it didnt hit me until after that maybe I shouldnt have let them have me go through the airport scan, and also the fact that I ate things it was recommended not to....Boobs are swollen and heavy but due to the excessive hormones being pumped in my body, did i pick up the suitcase? It is going to be a long week.

Part 2.

Went to work and it was just all i could do to work all day, just wasnt in the mood to work and sleepy, probably due to anxiety and then found out it is archiving time so yes we professionals have to get down and dirty and put away 2011 filing.....OH NO NO, no heavy lifting for me will have to pop in to my primary care and get a note. :-)

ANOTHER FREAKING HURDLE....BUT AM BETTER NOW

WARNING...EVEN THOUGH THIS IS UNLIKE ME A FEW EXPLITIVES HAVE BEEN USED.

Yesterday by far was one of the hardest days for me....I received the news from my clinic that my results were great....

BUT ( always that damn but) from my sonogram there was fluid around my ovaries.....Well cannot say that I overly surprised, after all there is always freaking something...everything is NEVER just smooth sailing...I was advised to go into the clinic a day before the impending ET to have this rviewed and the fluid aspirated...from there they will have a better idea on when I can do ET. My emotions went from being angry at the situation, angry at DH for being positve, angry at my body and freaking jacked up reproductive system, angry at life...just angry. I truly had the towel in my hand and was ready to throw it in. I look in the mirror and I not only gained the 5 pounds I lost over the holidays I gained am sure another 10 so in all I am sure I gained a whooping 20-25 pounds since January 2011. I was angry but then it slowly subsided, I kept talking to

God in my head, I kept thinking about the baby that will be here and forcing us out of our too tiny condo...I thought and thought and then went to sleep. I woke up today INCREDIBLY uplifted and feeling like the old me.....yes the woman in that use to say FUCK you ( SORRY for the explitive its my emotions) to any adversary, I am not giving up, these last few months have been the hellish ones of my life and I will be damned if I just go cry, be sad or accept defeat in a corner. Damn you HYDROSALPHINX for fucking up my tubes, damn you life for being the shit you have been to me and making me work 5 times harder to get anything, and damn this situation that make me weak, I am human but weak isn't in me despite my fear of needles I AM NOT WEAK.

I will continue to give praises to my LORD and savior...I will ask him to forgive me for the explitives I said and the ones I thought, I ask for forgiveness for allowing doubt into my mind and into my heart.... WHEN has anything been easy for me? WHEN? NEVER thats right never.....I have had to fight for alot all of my life....my name should be warrior princess, if there is a fight of wills I have it and not damn fluid will take it away from me, we deal with it and move on from it.....no sad face....no making the devil think he has won.


PIO SHOTS...

For any ladies that have to take this shot and are fearful of needles like me then GET EMLA CREAM NOW, no own stock if you have to.Last night was our first evil, dreaded progesterone in oil shot, I didnt feel anything and I was so nervous. A few minutes after the shote the spot felt slightly sore even with the heating pad, and massaging...but a hot shower took care of that and the soreness is much more dull, definitely need to alternate sides. In the end, I felt better knowing we'd done lots of reading online for various tips. I knew that we were prepping as much as we could and that we just had to go for it. Our approach is outlined below. I must give the disclaimer that I am not a nurse, nor claim to be one. If you are reading this and administering PIO, please consult your clinic and/or pharmacy for full, proper instructions.



Pick a time in the PM, that's not too close to bedtime. You'll see why below

•Numb area with Emla CREAM or an icepack before hand to ease the stick. Flick the site to ensure you dont feel anything before injecting if you do am sure you will feel it.

•Identify the correct area on the cheek/hip to inject. A proper injection site, from what I've read and been told by our nurse, is extremely important. The upper 1/4 quadrant of the toosh, to be exact. We were specifically told it shouldn't really be "in the butt" at all. If you go too low, you're at risk for hitting your sciatic nerve, which can cause semi-permanent nerve damage and I'm sure hurt like a mutha. To find the right spot, we drew a horizontal line at my crack over one cheek, and then split that cheek vertically down the center, which allowed us to identify the upper 1/4 quad. Mine was done sorta still in the butt well I have too much back there at the moment so cannot help it, lots of cushion for the pushing though :-)

•Take all of the weight off the muscle you're injecting into. I recommend lying face down. The more tense, the more it will hurt and the harder it will be for the PIO to disperse into the area. DH was trying to convince me to stand but no way Josie.....laying flat facing the opposite way was not so unnerving.

*Warm the oil in a heating pad or with both hands prior to injecting. Slightly warming gets the oil looser. I do not think it was warm enough yesterday so 1cc took a few seconds longer but the nurse at the clinic I did local monitoring yesterday said SLOW AND STEADY, the faster you rush then it might hurt.

•After sticking, hold still while the med is being administered. What a concept, huh. :) After he stuck me, which I barely felt most likely because of the EMLA CREAM, I could still feel the presence of the needle, but it didn't hurt at all. This is good, seeing as how it takes a bit of time to inject all of the PIO into the muscle due to the thickness of the solution. I dont know which oil but it took a few seconds to get in.

*After injecting apply steady pressure with a warm rag or with the heating pad and sit on it for 10 or so minutes..mine stil was a litte sore but a Hot shower helped.

•Massage, heat, walk around, massage heat etc! Ok, so maybe we didn't do all of that AND repeat, but you get the idea. I hope my ideas help and we did ours around 8 pm, not too close to bed so I was able to heat and walk around.

Today, the area has a dull sore feeling, but it's not bad to walk in my heels. My hope is that between alternating cheeks and the EMLA life saviorthat it will heal the next time we get to the same spot. Only time will tell! I am going to declare that I hope we do not have to stay on them but go on to the crinone suppositories...I am so over needles..