LIMBO MUST LOVE ME

I had some follow up appointments first thing this morning, and I did bloodwork yesterday at Labcorp which apparently I didnt need because the doctor didnt receive the results yet or mentioned them until "I" asked him about them. (I wish I was still seeing the attending OB) he (my regular) was on vacation and she(attending OB) was more personable and was understanding, he is a man and is callous even if he isnt trying to be.

Anyway back to my crazy story, my U/S appt was bright and early and first thing at 8am. The tech knew who I was and gave me a friendly hello and asked me do I know what is going on, I told her Ectopic was ruled out but now it appears it may be a blighted ovum. While she was wanding me which by the way HURT since me and DH havent had intercourse in weeks ( sorry TMI) but boy do I miss him. We havent since the ET 3/3 might as well have been a lifetime ago with this process. Anyway as she was wanding me there was dead silence so I stared at the wall and lamented on the day ahead and just realizing that this isnt the end of the world. People deal with far worse things and this isnt the end of the baby making road for me. She finished her wanding asked me to dress and I went directly upstairs to the doctor for followup. Yes it is a very huge practice so the Ultrasound center ( very cute might I add) is on the 3rd floor and the Doctors wing is on the 4th.

I went upstairs and waited, thumbing through the magazine and my name was called, pressure checked and then I was shown to a room. Just great I thought as I walked in, it is the room with the developing fetuses on the wall.....just the perfect room to put a woman going through a........ ( what am I going through really? Missed Miscarriage? Blighted Ovum? an Anomaly? Anyway she told me to get naked waist down, rather weird but okay I did and the doctor storms in the room leaving the door open. He sounded rushed, out of breath and quite frankly out of his mind because he kept saying dude I have no idea what is going on with you. I said slow down and are you okay, he said yeah I ran up 4 flights of steps to get here and I just reviewed your U/S report his words "Dude YOU are still progressing now a week later and you have a gestational AND YOLK sac" ( the nurse kindly walked up and closed the door he was so loud) I sat on the table shocked....WHAT? I am confused. He said I do not want to give you false hope because as it is dated you are 8 weeks and some days so I should see a fetus and heartrate but I will not go through with the D & C until I am sure you do not have a baby in you hiding somewhere and NO it is NOT ectopic. I just sat there, probably with a WTF look on my face and said okay what do we do, he said let's wait a week and if there is no heart beat then definitely a D&C next week, this has got to be so hard for you going back and forth.

I was more than happy to wait, then he said something that never crossed my mind. "Is it possible that you got pregnant on your own even though you did the ET.?" Me and DH did have our last fling that week (End of February)before heading to NYC for the ET, so I suppose it would be in line with the size and age but UNLIKELY and here is why, there is still the matter of the CLOGGED TUBES ( 1 had fluid on the U/S that was drained prior to ET and the other is open from the Lap surgery done in 2005 still BUT the fimbria are damaged so they cannot assist the egg if fertilized to get it to my uterus for implantation, well based on textbooks anyway). I can understand him thinking that theory because let's be real, I am developmentally 2 weeks behind schedule for these things and my HCG is still climbing. I have been spotting brown again since last week, some days more than others but I havent been worried about it and oh yeah NO PIO for what 3 days maybe and out of estrogen tabs for over a week so not much medicated support.

We have no idea what will happen or what will not happen but so far I have defied a few text books and have not 1 but 2 OB's scratching their heads. Here is something I read as well...

"A blighted ovum diagnosis cannot be made if a yolk sac is seen. An embryo is needed for a yolk sac to be visible. Often, a baby will be seen one week after the yolk sac is viewed."

Now I have NO false hope and I am aware that the odds of viability are stacked high against us, not to mention me getting pregnant in the midst of ET meaning so the Egg that should have implanted didn't and then another did 2 weeks later from the last time me and DH had our fling? BUT I do believe in God and miracles and I know that ANYTHING is possible with God. God is always willing to do all the hard work for you! Thank you, Lord, for the change of heart and continuing to keep me on the journey for a little longer, your will be done and your peace surrounds my heart.

Some people may think this is dragging out the pain but actually not for me, I have already dealt with most of that pain 3/22 when I got the call that BETA was 520 after a week of waiting, the RE's office wasnt very optimistic on that phone call and my spirits were low for the week following. What I have been though is terrified of an ectopic since the HCG kept going higher and higher but now that it is ruled out, I am breathing a sigh of relief but I worry about another special person from the NH forum that had to deal with it. She is in my thoughts at the moment, I want so bad for her to pull through all of this. Sometimes we think our pain is so great that we do not realize that others deal with the same and some a little worse.

At the moment I sit and wait for more news and think to myself....."my what a fighter this peanut is, was, or would be?" Limbo Loves Me I suppose and so I sit in limbo and wait for more news next tuesday, come whatever it is I certainly have become quite the science project.