Clearing the Dust & New Path

It has been sometime since I have been back here....honestly I didn't have much to say, and had no idea where to start. Currently I am  a month shy of 36 yrs old & still childless. Just typing that hurts but at the same time I am in a MUCH better place emotionally & mentally.

A few months ago I visited a friend that also had fertility issues ( for 4 years) but she was blessed in 2014 with her first try using IUI. I am so incredibly happy for her....more so because I know the hurt she felt....the same hurt I feel........waiting with empty arms. Thank God her prayers were answered and her arms are now filled. For me there is no jealousy, she felt pain, she felt sorrow, she had longing. But I do ask myself.......

 

I often think about the New Hope Mini IVF Trial  I participated in from 2011-2012 & feel so sad that it did not work for me. Many of the ladies that I followed on the clinical trial  thread thankfully went on to have their child / children and here I am several years later..............still waiting. The good thing I did take away from that is, ( in my mind anyway) if I had more than 1 embryo, I am almost 100% confident I would have gotten pregnant and had my child. They promised me they would get me pregnant even though sadly I had a miscarriage, they lived up to their word. Matt looked me directly in my face without a smile and said it with conviction........he was right. I find peace or perhaps I am delusional, that if only I had more embryos then I would have my child today. Obviously there is no way to know for sure....but  heck....it gives me peace.

The New Path

For the last several months I have been on a spiritual journey.......being infertile has taken so much from me. My joy, my spirit, and a big chunk of my time worrying, hoping....and being depressed. My eyes and mind are so focused on my longing for a child it has affected so much of my life that I did not even notice. Slowly I have been turning this around, I have been making time for ME. Last year went by in a blur....and then this started with no plan and finally there is a plan, and it is GOD centered.

It came to my spirit in June to find ways to unblock my tubes....life can be weird like that
So much time spent trying to find either trial IVF or low cost IVF but not to find ways to heal my body. Why didn't this come to me at 25 or 30 why now? For anyone reading this that have been diagnosed with blocked tubes, try to exhaust ALL possible NATURAL routes before surgery of any kind. Wish I knew then what I know now.....oh well...here we are...so I use what I now know and work on it.

Anyway I happened upon a group of women on Baby-center who just like me had blocked tubes, took natural / holistic products and not only did they unblock their tubes, they became pregnant.I felt completely lead to that thread and for the last 2 months I have been taking Serrapeptase and doing Castor Oil Pack massages. I am careful not to put my trust into the things I am learning, because GOD is our healer. So I pray for guidance as I venture on my way with these natural elements.

 I will give more details in another post but for now this is the new path because

Petition for Inferitlity Insurance by August 6, 2015

I am popping in asking you to PLEASE sign petition.

Mandate All Insurance to Cover Infertility as Basic Healthcare. Acknowledge Infertility as a Disease, Not a Choice

http://wh.gov/i8sJr

I'm Still Here

I'm still here, still around just nervous to start the journey again...

I do feel defeated and with each birthday I am in the grips of panic as I hear my biological clock tick tock. 

Where are we now in the process? Still the same as where I left it both

March 2012 & November 2013...... here with 2 unsuccessful attempts, and scared, with a longing heart. 

We are flooded now more than  ever on the nagging freaking question I have come to despise 

"When are you guys going to have kids?"  

In the midst of things several of our friends have had babies... through the use of IUI but while I know life goes on WOW there have been so many new family additions and we are still left childless and the couple without a kid..

For the most part I keep my self busy so Infertility will no longer consume my thoughts.

The other day my BFF of 12-13 years said something so absolutely stupid to me that I am still pissed, and  I wanted to punch her in the throat.

It was a good thing she was over the phone- she suggested I allow my husband to have an affair so their is an outside child. I didn't hang up on her instead after a minute of awkward silence I asked "would you?" and to that she didn't answer but I said-No Thanks

I love her but that line from her actually changed the way I see her now, do you think 

me so desperate to do that? It's probably one of the most insensitive things she could have said......some space is necessary.

Currently I am browsing Waiting Miracles for embryo adoption, I had made up my mind that even if we cannot do another cycle the next step is Embryo Adoption. I may even join a forum for people that are considering donating their excess embryos and have completed their families, as long as there are options, there is hope.

For anyone else that is still waiting for your miracle, don't give up hope.

Back on track....Part 2 ish !

Let me dust off the webs from this blog and give an update..

Sadly I am not here to report that I am pregnant or that we have any concrete plans set on the trying to get pregnant journey. I am here to report that 2 of my friends had babies this year, also 1 co-worker and currently 2 other close friends are pregnant. I am here to report that I am officially 35 and CHILDLESS. The fear  of not being a mother at 35 is now my reality......COLD reality might I add.  I am trying to come to grips with it......let's just say I was not looking forward to the milestone. I am infertile and I may not get be a mother....................................

HELL NO, I cannot accept that. I WILL be a mother, and I will not go down without a fight.ODDS be damned I will start to pay closer attention to my cycles. I have been working out since February. I still eat really bad at times but I even started waist training. Lately I have been devoting my time to other things, ANYTHING rather than to sit and think about the matter at hand which is we have no children....still...F#@K.

Yep I cursed a few times....especially since the most recent of the announcements came yesterday via a card in the mail ( from a good friend might I add that is aware of what I am dealing with).  If ever a moment one would need wine...THAT WAS IT and hubby was not around to catch the groceries I threw on the floor. At this moment I am fine, I had to pray away my negative thoughts, the feeling of sadness, and depression and my current many uses of expletives.

That being said, I am very happy for her and I wish her the best. I will no doubt be there with her for the shower and anything else she needs and I have to tell myself perhaps she did not think when she sent that card. I forgive her..even if she is not aware of the hurt it caused. My friends should be able to share baby news without me wanting to fall apart or throw tantrums.

We are still being bombarded with people that continuously tell us to adopt or some that have made some negative comments to my DH about me....such as " Why would you marry her knowing these issues?"
 Don't worry I have no idea which one of his bastard friends said it or if it was male or female but when I find out...... I have a few choice words for them.......really colorful ones that would make most swoon. He won't tell me for fear of my retaliation but I see that it did upset him.


Developments
DH remains my support and said that we will get back on the journey within the next 3- 4 months ( sooner if I can help it), so my job is to research the next study if one is close for free or discounted IVF, a Doctor that I think we may use and then to see if we should get a loan for a 3 try package deal with WIN Fertility. It is really expensive in Florida, if you know a reputable doctor on the east coast let me know. I may go to NYC as they seem to have more affordable packages with great pregnancy rates. Heck I may move, I have been telling DH since 2012 we should relocate to a mandated state if only to get the insurance coverage and then back to FL once we are done.... I know there are no guarantees but it beats sitting here wondering what to do next. Also I have been thinking of frozen embryo adoption, but I do not want to visit that for another year or 2 if necessary and I hope it is not but if it is....then it is.

If you are still fighting to get your BFP...don't stop and you are not alone. Keep fighting it will come...