Clearing the Dust & New Path

It has been sometime since I have been back here....honestly I didn't have much to say, and had no idea where to start. Currently I am  a month shy of 36 yrs old & still childless. Just typing that hurts but at the same time I am in a MUCH better place emotionally & mentally.

A few months ago I visited a friend that also had fertility issues ( for 4 years) but she was blessed in 2014 with her first try using IUI. I am so incredibly happy for her....more so because I know the hurt she felt....the same hurt I feel........waiting with empty arms. Thank God her prayers were answered and her arms are now filled. For me there is no jealousy, she felt pain, she felt sorrow, she had longing. But I do ask myself.......

 

I often think about the New Hope Mini IVF Trial  I participated in from 2011-2012 & feel so sad that it did not work for me. Many of the ladies that I followed on the clinical trial  thread thankfully went on to have their child / children and here I am several years later..............still waiting. The good thing I did take away from that is, ( in my mind anyway) if I had more than 1 embryo, I am almost 100% confident I would have gotten pregnant and had my child. They promised me they would get me pregnant even though sadly I had a miscarriage, they lived up to their word. Matt looked me directly in my face without a smile and said it with conviction........he was right. I find peace or perhaps I am delusional, that if only I had more embryos then I would have my child today. Obviously there is no way to know for sure....but  heck....it gives me peace.

The New Path

For the last several months I have been on a spiritual journey.......being infertile has taken so much from me. My joy, my spirit, and a big chunk of my time worrying, hoping....and being depressed. My eyes and mind are so focused on my longing for a child it has affected so much of my life that I did not even notice. Slowly I have been turning this around, I have been making time for ME. Last year went by in a blur....and then this started with no plan and finally there is a plan, and it is GOD centered.

It came to my spirit in June to find ways to unblock my tubes....life can be weird like that
So much time spent trying to find either trial IVF or low cost IVF but not to find ways to heal my body. Why didn't this come to me at 25 or 30 why now? For anyone reading this that have been diagnosed with blocked tubes, try to exhaust ALL possible NATURAL routes before surgery of any kind. Wish I knew then what I know now.....oh well...here we are...so I use what I now know and work on it.

Anyway I happened upon a group of women on Baby-center who just like me had blocked tubes, took natural / holistic products and not only did they unblock their tubes, they became pregnant.I felt completely lead to that thread and for the last 2 months I have been taking Serrapeptase and doing Castor Oil Pack massages. I am careful not to put my trust into the things I am learning, because GOD is our healer. So I pray for guidance as I venture on my way with these natural elements.

 I will give more details in another post but for now this is the new path because

A LONG WINDING ROAD......hhhmmmmm

FET UPDATE
So my CD 3 results were great and so I have to go back on CD 9 to do more, from there I will know if I will be taking Estradiol and ultimately guage when I will ovulate or close to it. My nerves are ok but I am having those crazy baby dreams again. I am trying my best to remain as calm as possible and doing an okay job of it so far.

CD is 1/9th here I come...
Me and DH went out to McCormick and Schmick for dinner last night, he is a little under the weather but we had a good time...it was really romantic. It would break my heart if this doesnt work because I would be hurt more so for his feelings...he believes in this so much and I do too but he just wont have any other 'What If" thoughts.....this journey is such has been such a long winding road, on our way home from our date he ran into a friend she was very pregnant on her 2nd and he greeted her and they bantered....He so wants to see me in that state..to have our child grow within my womb. I have spent countless days/nights praying for this miracle. I came across Mathew 6 vs. 7 "But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking." It stopped me dead in my tracks because I have been praying the same prayers but now I won't.

I leave with you a few verses, if you are not religious I understand but at least read it, it wouldnt hurt.

In Matthew 17:20 Jesus reiterates that same message:

For truly, I say to you, if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.

I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.
A prayer to offer
Oh lord, my heavenly father I pray that you will answer my request for a child, please touch & bless us both me & my husband together with a healthy child. I believe you will bless us soon - In Jesus name I pray. Amen

ON TO FET CYCLE #2-November Bring Us Joy Please

Hi Blog World,

So last week I had a little meltdown about being cancelled due to lining issues..Everynight I am plagued with dream about baby...its driving me NUTS...

I am trying so hard to focus on so many other things but cannot. As for taking caring of "ME" am down to 5 pounds so far and counting..I am thinking 15 would be great but I have to be careful to no mess with hormones since I am waiting to start my next cycle soon. I am not expecting AF until 11/12 ish so the countdown begins.....

First I have to call the RE's office on CD 1 to schedule the Hysteroscopy procedure between CD 1-5. I think 19 days after the procedure the transfer will take place...fingers crossed but not going to drive my self too crazy this time....ok I will TRY not to drive myself crazy this time..slowly I am weening myself away from google and stories with FET or sFET.there have been many cases of twinning due to Assisted Hatching...while apart of me would just LOVE that happening to me the other part is terrified if it did...Google is great but it can also drive a sane person crazy..I do wish I could turn off my dreams though and start focusing on other aspects of my life more...I have neglected everyone and everything...so I am making it a point to do something at least once a week that has nothing to do with FET.....

OBSESSION this week: CO SLEEPER ARMS REACH for baby...I love love the concept of them and hope if I am blessed with a bundle of my own I will definitely invest in one of them. The joy of not having to get out of bed for every little movemment and cry..

Arms Reach CO-Sleeper