The InBetween

1. situated somewhere between two extremes or recognized categories; intermediate:

   Ex. "I am not unconscious, but in some in-between state"

 

This is how I feel right now.......................IN-BE·TWEEN. Sitting in this space with my anxious heart until we cycle in the next month or maybe 2.

 The nothingness drives me insane I don't do well with the in-between. I am waiting on hearing back from Compassionate Care on if we are approved for any assistance. My Disney wish is  to be approved with a minimum of  50% covered, & for this IVF cycle to begin & end successfully with our healthy baby/babies in our arms.

 

 

 I go between feeling elated and then completely deflated.

Elated because this is another chance, & then deflated because heck we are doing "this" again. *Sigh*

This isn't a fun place but I learn to live in it, and remember this

 “Be still and know that I am God.”

 

My faith has been tested over and over and over and over. I currently feel so out of touch with God, don't worry I won't go into that today. The worse part of the in between for me is  Doing. Absolutely. Nothing. I will continue to use this time taking my supplements and try to get myself completely purged.....just keep food away from me, the flesh is weak.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bitching/Ranting I got on the scale & gained 5 pounds this last week. Are you freaking kidding me!! I needed to loose 10 it seems the harder I try the more I fail. W.T.F. I will dust off the treadmill and get walking today. I do the damage, I know what I eat and what I am doing, I have no one to blame.

 

Have you ever seen Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead on Netflix, if not check it out.

 

http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/

 

Clinic Testings & Medicine Discount Program Update

This has been quite the weekend...this post might be slightly long.

Their photo, I didn't take any of my own.

 

I flew up to the clinic for the first time this weekend and I must say I am impressed with the clinic.....not the weather it was freaking freezing I couldn't wait to get back to the warmth of Florida. **Remind me of this when I complain of the humidity in a few months. It gets so darn hot here too.**
The atmosphere was like being in a spa with dim lighting, actual comfortable couches, books & a fireplace. I felt like I was actually at a resort and everyone was so nice and friendly. It didn't feel clinical considering why I am there and why I will return there.
Now more than ever I am confident I made the right decision in choosing this place because of the kind and respectful way I was treated plus the way I felt there, it felt right.

Anyway back to the appointment- I  did my HSG and SIS testing's and the good news is all is clear...YAY tubes are open, no seen polyps or issues. Did you see that folks? MY.TUBES.ARE.OPEN.......albeit clearly not working but open nonetheless. Kudos to the doc on the 2nd Lap done 7/2013. 😍😍

 

* Silently Pondering* -You ( insert expletive) bastard tubes have been open and not yielded me a baby for 3 years ( after last lap surgery)!! Or did it happen because of the crap load of Serrapeptase I took in 2015-early 2016 along with the castor oil massages? Body why have you consistently failed me? Why? Ok am fine now! I am in a good place mentally am ready for this...sort of.

 

 Hysterosalpingography, or HSG, is an X-ray test to outline the internal shape of the uterus and show whether the fallopian tubes are blocked. In HSG, a thin tube is threaded through the vagina and cervix. A substance known as contrast material is injected into the uterus.

Saline infusion sonohysterography (SIS) or saline ultrasound uterine scan is a test where a small volume of saline (salt solution) is inserted into the uterus (or womb). This allows the lining of the uterus (endometrium) to be clearly seen on an ultrasound scan. It is also known as a saline ultrasound uterine scan. SIS helps to see if there is any thickening of the endometrium of the uterus, or if there are polyps. Polyps are small growths of the endometrium. The scan can also be performed in the assessment of post menopausal endometrium or possible Asherman’s Syndrome (a condition caused by the presence of scars in the uterine cavity).

While on this trip I did not get to see any of the city because really it was an in & out situation. In on Friday night & then out Saturday afternoon.

In an effort to document everything as well as if anyone is cycling in Albany this is roughly what I spent. It may be cheaper if you use Airbnb for a room and Lyft or Uber for a ride.

• Accommodations-Travelodge hotel $55 for the 1 night ( 2 star accommodations which is fine for 1 night. I prefer the Marriott or the Hilton but I sensible spending ladies and gents)The location is 10 minutes from the clinic, 9 from the airport and within walking distance of restaurants and the mall is across the street. SCORE !!
• Car Rental-Budget special $16 for the day ( I spent $40 to include all possible effects of loss or damage, no chances since am not use to driving in snow covered roads even though the roads were cleared and the snow was on the side banks)
• Flight- JetBlue $100 ( I called in a Buddy pass favor) I was trying to hold out until Egg Collection or Transfer for the favor but this came up. The doctors locally would not do both the HSG and SIS together or even do the SIS at all. So here we are.
• Co-pay for insurance $50.00-finally they cover something.
• Meals- $20.00-$30.00
• Parking my car at the airport $30.00 ( I was running late so didn't have time to use the $7 parking and parked right at the airport at the terminal when leaving to Albany this would have been 50% cheaper.)

It was not ideal to spend this since I could use this money for meds but the stupid clinics locally gave me a  hard time to do both procedures. Technically this would have been only $50 had they just done the orders, but at the same time I am glad I went and got a even better feel of the place.

I also received a free book while there, SCORE

Medicine Discount Program Update or Lack of- Denied for Compassionate Care reapplication, they are not accepting my w2's for 2016 or at all that I sent to verify income. The next step?  I have to go find 2015 tax records for both myself and hubby, lovely. If I haven't given details on the program before which I believe I did in 2013, I will update later.

 

Stayed across the street from the Colonie Mall

Medication Quote, Baseline & Coincidence

 

The Gonal F, Cetrotide, Menopur and Edometrin were quoted at  $5500 from Freedom. I think my husband swooned ( I had the phone on speaker). Holy crap...that is super duper high considering that was not all the meds listed. I gave them my insurance information praying that some are covered, dare I pray that all of them are covered?  Wishful thinking but I am hopeful for the relief, what are the chances IVF is not covered but the meds are.....slim I tell ya ..really slim.

 

So far I have an offer for donated Estrace from a successful cycle and possibly Gonal-F as well 1 unused pen with 75IU. Also I will order elsewhere if and when necessary which will be in a week or more. I am just waiting to hear back about the HSG and Saline Sonogram to make sure I have the all clear & medication list. My plan is to cycle in March BUT April will do if necessary. I am not rushing to have any regrets or make myself crazy. Another major thing is in an effort to fund the meds I will have to do 1 cycle at a time as opposed to the 2 cycle deal at a time. I will think about this some more before I make the final decision since in the end it would be cheaper to do them both at the same time. *Sigh* * Expletive* *Sigh*

 

On the previous post I mentioned I did baselines on Monday and didn't have much to report except no cysts....and no fluid in my abdomen  but there was more which I noticed today.

So for documentation purposed

Left Ovary 8 to 9 Follies

Right Ovary 10+ Follies

E2 -  31

P4-  .32

LH-  4.9

FSH-  6.9

Lining 10.7 

 

 

 

Coincidence- look where I noted that I went to watch the injection videos here

 

 

Better Late than Never

As the Title States Flow is in the Building.

 

She finally came Late Saturday Night-Saturday afternoon I had my 2nd appointment at the new place for acupuncture. I told her stupid flow is still M.I.A and is holding up progress. Anyway she said let's try to encourage her along. Several needles to the tummy, mixed with a dash of heat, & a few hours later the missing flow appears... YAY.

 

 

Baseline

Yesterday I went to do a baseline ultrasound & blood work.  Initially this was to see where Aunt Flow was but thankfully she came right on time. Can I just say outside monitoring will be a bitch as well as taking time from work? More on work to come. The Doctor's office while kind enough to see me only did so with the impression I was paying cash on the spot. I quickly advised that while I do not have Fertility coverage certainly the insurance will cover blood work and the ultrasound so she had me pay $50 specialist copay for now and a note explaining I may be billed or have a higher bill next time......at the moment I am in Limbo.  I have no idea if I will have to pay for these appointments or if stupid BCBS will pay, yeah just freaking great. For the life of me I am not sure WHY they didn't just check a head of time instead of thinking I would fork over cash because apparently I am made of money. *Sigh* I am really beginning to think the universe is trying to piss me off.

 

On the plus side I was in and out of there in perhaps 20-30 minutes tops and that included blood-work, ultrasound and waiting.  The results were STAT and it was uploaded today to the patient portal. I do have a slight concern ...they were STAT orders and done yesterday why did it take until this morning to see, is this what it will be like while stimming? This is no good for me but not a worry I wish to take on this second, I will ask in person. I won't judge based on this situation, we shall see.

 

I will be in Albany this weekend ( 1 day actually..I called in a Buddy pass favor) for my HSG & Saline Sonogram. The ultrasound tech wouldn't tell me how many antral follicles I had & it is not on the patient portal. What I did see are no cysts....and no fluid in my abdomen which is a SCORE. 

 

Work ( rolls eyes)- I can already foresee this will become an issue. I will likely mention work several times throughout this journey & what is happening along the way with the "boss". Sadly like the rest of the world pedaling through infertility in the low middle class, I do NEED to work. I need my job but  I will not worry about the office politics and their attitudes about me missing days for appointments. Truth is, I am replaceable and while I have a somewhat good relationship with my boss, at the end of the day it is about corporate mission/goals. My own personal family mission is at the forefront right now, it is what it is my friends.

 

CD 47 & counting

 

So it's CD 47 and stupid Aunt Flo is being a total B$#@h.

Of all the times to start acting up it is when I am actually anxious to get this IVF cycle going.

I notified the clinic and they will be sending me orders to get blood work done and an ultrasound.

We shall see what the bloody heck is going on.

 

Also the clinic was so kind as to send me the Compassionate Care Details ( I already planned to apply) to try to get approved. I have my fingers crossed that I will get approved at least 50% but if not then I am going to order abroad which I mentioned before. Every bit helps and I am trying to keep an eye on the cost as much as I can.

 

GRRRRR but on a few positive notes...😍

I did find a new acupuncturist and she was amazing.

I  LOVE her and she has more experience with IVF patients.

She even mentioned that I should try Myo-Inositol.
I have been just about faithfully taking all supplements Vitamin D, Prenatals, Vitamin C, Ubiquinol & Iron.

This is the link to the info I found on MyoInositol
http://www.naturalmedicinejournal.com/journal/2013-08/myo-inositol-polycystic-ovarian-syndrome




 

Medication Cost Crisis & other things

Things are finally somewhat tapering off in my world. The holiday is gone, work is hectic still but not as bad as a month ago and I  can finally really review the documents the clinic sent in November & early December.

Truthfully I wonder if I am completely vested on this next ivf journey....... I am beating myself up for not being better with my eating and taking my supplements while I waited. I am considering a 2-3 day fast/detox to prep, heck even acupuncture has been pushed off but that's more for financial reasons. I feel like I know the right things to do, and I am not doing them. I have been up at night worried it won't work......I pray but then I worry which is counterproductive. What is wrong with me? We have no funds and all that we scraped together I should at least do all the right things for a good shot but I am not. Who will I blame my body? the doctor?. Sigh.....

Anyway so I log in and look at the medication list and gasped.....

HOLY. FREAKING. COW!!

I will not only need a lot of meds( this is no surprise in the ivf world) the cost is astronomical & make me nervous,  but the amount I will administer is even worse. I will apply to compassionate care for assistance, in 2013 we were given a 75% discount ( I applied while I was unemployed for 3 months), but this time I am not so sure we will qualify for  that. The next option and on top of the list is to order meds abroad from the UK. There are 2 top companies that come in mind that I won't mention until I use them.

Looking at this list I will need Gonal F, Menopur, Cetrotide, Lupron... Lupron? never used that.
Wait? What? Why do I need to be on 300 IU of Gonal F to begin with when responding has not or ever been the issue?  Before  I start to order meds I will need to speak with someone about this and get them my medical records pronto. I wasn't on this much in 2013 and yielded 31 eggs. They are the doctors/nurses but this is not a 1 size fits all deal for me, we are making many sacrifices for this cycle financially and I do not want to hear....oops or sorry we didn't know. I need answers so as soon as I can find the schedule I want to send them that with my medical records as well.

On the plus side, I have been having a green drink lately and plan to purge from the madness of sugar and processed foods I have been devouring for 60 days. I know I can do it and it will be ok no need to worry about it since it is already done.

Wordless Wednesday

 

 

Stress & Acupunture

Around this time of the year I am super & seriously BUSY.

 

This is just a quick short post on progress...

 

There is none....I will do the testing etc. after the holidays, it is way too stressful at work & I have no time. They have been sending me information on what they need so that is great news. All of the information is on the patient portal which I must remind my self to check daily. Obviously while cycling I will be more on top of it but for now.....it isn't a big deal..well not for me.

 

Anyway back to whining-I am incredibly busy plus family are coming in and I don't want them in our private affairs.

AT first I was planning to cycle in January but truthfully I think I will do it in February.

I have been eating bad & forgetting to take my vitamins. Since I plan to fix that nonsense then hopefully it will make a difference. They are now right on my night stand can't miss them.

We are paying 100% out of pocket so it is best to be sure and ready than rushed & regretful.

 

My very first acupuncture was Friday and it was good. I was a nervous and barely felt a thing.

It was really relaxing and his track record helped me settle down. According to him and his wall he has gotten lots of women pregnant plus he came highly recommended.

Truthfully it is not the most fun I have ever had but if it will help why not.

The cost will be substantial if I go weekly as he suggested so I will for 4v weeks and then every 2 weeks until stims ( 6-8 weeks total estimate) however my meds come first.

Technically we really can not afford this so I will stretch my already thin funds thinner just to get prepped & will stop if I cannot swing it.

 

I might definitely sell allot of my possessions on EBay to get some more $$$$ in.

 

 

 

I have a love/hate relationship with the holiday season but I won't get into that today. I will save

that post for when it is all over & I can breathe.

 

Dragging My Feet & Reminders

As excited as I was to get the consultation it is actually quite odd that now that I have instructions I haven't done anything with them. **Sigh**. I don't have a reason for my procrastination,.... ok perhaps I do.

After my D&C in 2012 I sort of stopped seeing my regular OB/GYN and have been seeing just a Gynecologist at Cleveland clinic instead. It is a big network and I just wanted to be a number & no longer a familiar face, didn't want the empathy or anyone feeling sorry for me, I wanted to be unknown. I was with my OB for almost 10 years and he is so kind but I associate him with that loss and I am not sure I can ever go back to that place.....
** My feelings are completely irrational. They were very nurturing and was rooting for me but they handled the end and I just couldn't face them again. Obviously I probably shouldn't fee this way but I 100% do.** 

Anyway some of the work up in the portal requires another Saline Sonogram and and a Hysteroscopy so where do I go from here? I can either book local with a new place or to Albany and I have been dragging my feet.
The instructions are dated 11/21 it's 9 days later and too late in my cycle anyway. Alas it will be accomplished, I will get this done some time in December. My plan is to cycle in January but I am not against pushing it back to February if we must. I have been out of Ubiquinol for a week again just so lazy but I ordered through Amazon prime so in 2 days to get it going.......

I plan to send them the genetic testing I did so those are not repeated. Hubby is not excited for another semen analysis but hey....this is where we are.

 Reminders

1. Expect people to say stupid insensitive things
2. Have faith in the process but expect setbacks
3. Resist the temptation to over analyze every detail of your treatment cycle
4. Keep living my life, save, travel on a budget ( local if we must), see friends ( connect/ reconnect)
5. Blog more, read a few more books, 
6. Learn to stay positive and just let it go.
7. Have plans set in place for Plan A or B, or C  ( God please let me not need any of them beyond A)

The Universe & Phone Call Done

First let me me just say the phone consultation went well. It was with Nurse L, & she answered the few questions I had, naturally I forgot some  but overall she did great.

 I do have the option for a follow up call from an R/E but I didn't think it was necessary..........for now.

 I told her a little of my history and the protocol she mentioned they would do my cycle

 tailored to me. We shall see how true this part really is.

 She asked me in detail about the last IVF

 and she asked me with the number of eggs they retrieved do I think I have PCOS?

 I said well no I have not been told that and have seen 3 R/Es.

#1. R/E 2005  1st Laparoscopy found the blocked tubes

#2. R/E 2011-2012 Mini IVF NYC

#3 R/E 2013 Antagonist Cycle

My main reason for not needing a followup right away is 

that  despite ordering my medical records since 11/3  I did not receive them.

I.WAS.PISSED.

Thankfully I called, gave them a stern talking to and got it bright and early today.

I was glancing over the notes and my eyes fell upon a tidbit I clearly did not know.

PCO noted for ovaries.... no not PCOS......it says PCO. A mistake? Not sure but let me tell
 you I thought WTF. I already have my tubes to contend with why must there be this crap too?

I have been wanded about 1,000,000 times and never told this but hell what can I do but deal with this blow too. Effing Infertility. First you kick me in the tubes, now the freaking ovaries. You will not win, You just can't Damn It. 

Also he noted that egg quality is an issue in one area and then that they were good blasts in another so I am confused. I wish I had 3 months to get my body together with supplements for this go around.

For goodness sake I was 34 and he noted something about age.....BASTARD. 

Sorry just his notes made me mad since much of it I was not told. Anyway I did start the Coq 10, Acai, Prenatals, Vitamin  D & Fish Oil. Melatonin when I remember too a few weeks ago.
So if it's a fight Infertility wants it's a fight there will be. If I could financially I would keep fighting not just for me, but for the countless women out there going through this disease they call elective so we cannot get insurance coverage.  I am angry but my choice of action is to better myself.

Let the games commence 

Bitter Chinese Herbs ( will gulp it gladly to clear tubes worked for some maybe me too)

Serrapeptase( scar tissue if any are present, did it often last year and sparingly this one)

Castor Oil Pack ( loosen up any scar tissue if present)

Supplements prior to this round

Try to commit 100% to a clean diet

Loose 10 pounds(seriously I was 10 pounds lighter at that cycle and he told me I need to loose weight  & he put it in the note)

 I am also going to do something I am terrified of ...... Acupuncture.

So a Big Fat EFF YOU !!

 Infertility and the horse you rode in on

The happiness you stole from me,

The tears I have cried,

The years I have watched go on,

The prognosis known and unknown,

Our empty arms,

The dumb ass questions we are asked by even strangers, &

The damn clock ticking in the back ground.

I already have the big guns, looks like I need bigger ones.

Let's GO

Consultation & Supplements before starting

This might be a little long

It didn't take long to get a phone call from CNY but I think the tone of the caller had me a little well uneasy, and quite frankly nothing bad was said. I think it's in my head, I initially wanted to cycle at Syracuse but I think I will change my mind to Albany "IF" I decide to cycle with them. Thus far there are LOTS of mixed reviews about this clinic which isn't making my unease any better but we shall see. Honestly we do not have cash lying around to test the waters, age is also no longer on my side.

 

Our  phone consultation will be on 11/21... YAY. I guess I am anxious and wanted sooner but heck such is life :-) . I think I am being a total nut especially since I planned on cycling closer to February. I know I will need to do another HSG, insurance sucks so I am pretty sure I DO NOT want to do another laparoscopy so Chinese Herbs it is to get any gunk in my broken tubes out.

Me waiting for the consult

 

In the meantime I am getting ready to order a few supplements to help egg quality. A few I used for the cycle in 2013 so perhaps posted before.

Side-Note
I have sleeping issues. Sometimes I am fine and can get 6-7 hours, but lately I am lucky if I can get 4 uninterrupted. It's not the bed ( we tried changing the mattress a few months ago which I love), I have been suffering with insomnia for a few years now. It is so bad that when my friend had her infant and was up doing late feedings, she would text me to pass the time because she "knew" I would be up.
 Lovely right?

Anyway saying all of that to say this.....1 of the supplements on the list is Melatonin so I did a test drive last night and got 6 1/2 hours and so score...

The CCRM's supplement list is below, if you decide to take any of them I suggest you do your research. For myself I don't plan on taking all of them, especially DHEA.

• Myo Inositol, 2 grams, twice daily ( Probably won't take this either)
• Melatonin, 3 mg, bedtime -
• Co-Enzyme Q10, 200 mg, three times daily -
• L-Arginine, 1000 mg, twice daily -
• Poor responders addition: DHEA, 25 mg, three times a day from compounding pharmacy
• Pycogenol-100 mg. 1 x/day
• Royal Jelly - Not from CCRM
• Chinese Herbs( stop at start of stims)-Not from CCRM
• Wheat grass juice -Not from CCRM 
• Fish oil or Omega 3 500 mg
• Vitamin C – 200 mg, 1x/day (in the morning)
• Vitamin E – 200 IU, 1 x/day
• Vitamin D

Supplements with great documented results for treatment of various problems associated with infertility in MEN

• CoQ10 - at least 300 mg
• L-Argnine
• PYCONOGENOL

I am not a pill popper which I have mentioned somewhere along the lines before, but IVF isn't cheap so why not try to up the already low odds.

Thankfully I have been eating fairly clean, ok perhaps 75% clean for 3 months I still have a long way to go. Ultimately none of this is up to me, it's on God's timing.