IT'S ABOUT TO START AGAIN...

So truth be told,I have not been obsessing about my upcoming Frozen Embryo Transfer. I have been so busy with work, life and bridal shows that I guess I am not driving myself crazy about it. If I were not PMSing right now I probably dare I say it, would have forgotten. At one of the shows I won a 3 day 2 night get away for me and DH. I have a year to use it so now that i think about it, it would be GREAT if all goes well so we can use it for either Mother's Day or Father's day if we are blessed, putting IF there is planting seeds of doubt but......you just never know on this journey. I am of course praying I have a strong fighter that will stick to mommy and i get to see in 9 months.

I am in better spirits and from my last post my friend still didnt get her biopsy results just yet, but no news is good news in my opinion so EFF you doctor for messing up our lives for the last week. Today is officially Day 28 into my cycle and so I am expecting Aunt Flow in the next few days, given her track records I cannot truly tell when but I say 2/1. Now that the thought hit me that I havent been thinking about the ET, now its time to do just that.

WORK HAS BEEN SUPER BUSY TOO AND DRIVING ME EFFING NUTS....I DO WANT A CHANGE BUT FOR NOW, LET ME FOCUS ON ONE THING AT A TIME. SO MUCH TO DO SO LITTLE TIME. PLANNING MY WEDDING DEFINITELY HAS BEEN KEEPING ME BUSY TOO, I ENJOY EVENT PLANNING AND DOING IT FOR MY OWN WEDDING IS NOT AS STRESSFUL AS I THOUGHT, BUT THEN AGAIN LET'S SEE HOW I FEEL 6 MONTHS FROM NOW.......

WAVES OF GLOOM AND DESPAIR......A BUMP ALONG AS I KEEP ON THIS JOURNEY

I meant to do a blog update yesterday but I couldnt, I was drained.

I spent the day happily with some of my friends first at a bridal show and then on the beach. It felt great to be out with no cares, staring at the ocean, plans were being made and I noticed I missed a call from the bestie.

I called her and thats when it happened the waves of gloom...it's one of those high to low moments in life. As you ride the clouds you get knocked down, or it's like sitting too close to the end of the shore and then the waves come in higher than anticipated. My BFF of 10 + plus years barely being 32 is awaiting to hear her fate, awaiting to hear if she has cancer. I was angry, why I am just being told when you were told 2 days ago but she said she wanted to process it, she knew if she told me she would cry and she started to, so I put on the brave front but inside I was screaming so loud. Yelling that this just isnt happening, this isn't fair. I whisper a prayer for strength, I am struggling to keep the cracks in my voice from showing, I am struggling to pretend it is okay. The cruel jokes that life can give. I give her the strength she needs while all the while I fought to succumb to the grips of fear. I walk up the steps to my condo, and she changed the subject wanting to talk of the weding planning, so I told her about my day of attending a Bridal show and winning a mini vacation, an hour ago that was the highlight of the day but right now it is so darn insignificant. I could rip that certificate to shreds, I DONT WANT TO HAVE SMALL TALK WHILE YOU SIT WAITING FOR DREADED NEWS....I want to be there but we are thousands of miles apart. I start to think it is bargaining time again with God, but he knows my hearts desire is to know she will be okay. So here's to life, and its Effed up chapters, one minute you are sitting high and the next you are low...I think this feeling goes back to 2007 when me and some other friends were in South Carolina having a blast, a friend of ours had died. We DONT talk about it anymore, no not because we dont love and miss him more than anything but we are all afraid that we would all drown in a sea of anguish, and slip into blissful depression as we all did before. We tried to do the healthy talk before, , we were reminiscing about the good times and laughed and we all started crying, me being the most private just had tears trickling but the howling cries from my friends gave me nightmares for weeks no months. We realize life is short and so we cherish each moment we have together. We say I love you more to each other and we do our best to NOT let life get in the way.

My mind isnt so busy obsessing about the FET transfer as it was months before, do I want a baby still YES with all of my heart but now life is showing me that the world does not revolve around me and my wants...now more than anything I want my friend to not get that cancer prognosis, now more than ever I dont want to read google and know she may ONLY have 5 years if she does get this prognosis, now more than ever I want to curl up on the couch and cry but I won't, we FIGHT DAMN you. We think of the plan of attack and we do this as a family, we take this on and we will get through it. I want to rewind to 5 days ago when we were on the phone joking, before that Doctor delievered that news, before these waves of gloom.

I HAVE BEEN HIT..........LIKE A TON OF BRICKS PILED HIGH READY TO BE CEMENTED...

WEEKEND WARRIOR? UUUUUUHHHMMMM NOT REALLY JUST TRYING TO KEEP MYSELF AND MIND COMPLETELY BUSY AND THEN i HAD IT, MY EPIPHANY.

I am now trying to plan for next months HRT FET. Apparently on CD 1 I begin estrace and then when my lining is thick enough then I do progesterone for 5 days then transfer...AF is due 2/1 but she will come on the 5th. Did I not tell you she has been quite the bitch on this journey....there I said it...I am going to church to pray on that...I have been very careful with my choice of words and getting my soul right but if it walks like a duck then it is...and a bitch is what she has been while on this journey. I wont argue that the BCP, clomid, menopur, estrogen and everything else I have ingested could have been a part of the crazy cycles but seriously enough is enough, start on time. RANT to my body: Please do your effing job and move on so I can have our baby...
Speaking of our lone soilder at New Hope...I have been channelling my thoughts into positive ones...so much presure on my sweet frostie...and then this morning as I was lost in a sea of thoughts of my cycle it hits me MY EPIPHANY.

IF my HRT FET Cycle in February takes place around FEB 20th or so, and is successful, then the EDD is November 2012. My Dad, my bestfriend was killed in 1998 and November 16th was his birthday...it's making me choke with emotions to even really put it all together....the possibility that i might have a child the month of my late Fathers birthday and if it is successful and a boy, yeah I am sure I will be a world of emotions. I was so close to him..I cannot even get into that, I fear I would stay on the couch in tears all day. So alas, I now have a bigger picture to paint. Side Note: I dont think my friends have seen me cry much, they call me iceberg, it's not that I don't but I just do it privately when I do and for the most part my emotions get worked out on my walks........when I do walk, goodness I have been so lazy with that these pass few months. I have to get back on track.

CHANGING THE SUBJECT:
YEAH SO I cannot believe that a ship sank, holy shit how scary is that? This is me just finding out today as I am watching the weather channel and updating my blog.....seriously I mentioned many posts ago..I DO NOT ENJOY WATCHING THE NEWS SO FOR THE MOST PART I DON'T. It's not that it doesn't sometimes have invaluable information i could use, but it always leave me with a sadness or anger so hey why not just eliminate it as much as I can out of my world while on this journey. The key to my sanity has been stressfree..

ANYWAY SO I HAD A BUSY WEEKEND so far, I had to jump on a train to go the family and spent a great time there. Me and DH plan on going to church today, tackle the laundry, go on a date and stay warm..bbrrr hate it when it is 40 degrees....I mean this is south florida for chrissakes, I absolutely love my little dresses and flip flops...this pic is old but hey this is our norm..

On the plus side I do like it at 60 degrees or so because the cooler weather does wonders for my skin..I have such oily skin so it does give me some releif in that aspect..and YES I drink water by the loads, its just the cards I was dealt with this oily skin.

I was just humming this song and thought I would post it

JANUARY FET CANCELLED.....WTF,...my hopes like the dragon slain again

Just like the title reads I have been cancelled yet again. I know that if I wasnt a little stronger I would be a crazy right now...no not like saying expletives crazy but rocking back and forth, mumbling some gibberish crazy. ( no offense to anyone's family or them personally that line may offend). I mean you have to understand it is hard enough to be on this journey. Hopes slain....back to the benches and waiting for Aunt Flow for February, I hope she wont be a beast and show up late.....she can be such a pain in my rear.

STORY RETOLD
Let's recap shall we, went to New Hope June 2011 and signed papers, they didnt have me come back until August did a god awful lot of testing, did ER 9/24 cancelled due to lining in October, Did Hysteroscopy November and allowed Uterus to heal for December and then January 2012 comes around, I am elated, planning my wedding, ready for the FET and Lining is perfect BUT I ovulate while on my period.........yeah I know....WTF. Anyway the clinic will now move forward with a HRT FET, I cannot help but to feel they could have saved me months of waiting and done this from the start.

POSITIVE SPEAKING 101
Even though I was cancelled to be honest, I wasn't sad, disappointed maybe a little because I so wanted to do this. I guess the longer it is put off then I know I have an opportunity but once its done its done...Does that make sense? The time draws near for it to be final, just so final. I have a cute crush on the research lead Matt, ooohhh his sexy accent. It's just a harmless crush though, I think he has grown on me. Oh yeah back to positive thinking....hhmmmmm lets see...Not before God's time, and I know I have to wait for my blessings. I am still on my spiritual path but I do sometimes fail and a few not to nice words come out....I am human after all. :-) Life is wonderful though, I love DH, I love his strength, why ever would he want to marry an infertile is beyond me.....

WHAT THE HECK TO DO NOW
Well I guess I should loose some more weight before its time to get back on the grind. I am tempted ONLY tempted to take the supplements my friend takes, she has lost so much weight but then again I shouldn't. i stress and happy ate for the last several months and packed it on so I must work to get it off, the WII game I got for christmas will certainly help....so much fun.

HIGHLIGHT OF THIS WEEK: Finding the spot for our reception...

To have a dream wedding, obviously it helps to know your dream........hhhmmmm what the heck is my dream? I dunno really.. I am a girly girl that loves her shoes and PINK is of course my color along with other hues and I try to stay within the fashion trends with my own personal twists here and there....I absolutely LOVE hollywood GLAM and the 1920's pin up. I have been wanting to do a pin up shoot for DH FOREVER...preggers or not I will be doing one for his bday in July...yep even if I have a huge tummy I will be doing it. I know I try not to talk too much about baby thoughts, I drown myself into everything else and this wedding planning, but truth is I was planning this into my life, being pregnant, having the baby and fitting myself in a dress post baby. I dont want to get emotional about my what if thoughts....so I leave you with this wonderful picture.

BALL & CHAINS...smelling the roses for a minute

WEDDING PLANNING,

Ok smelling the roses really quick and talking about wedding planning.

I am a great event planner thats what I do and I love it. It is mainly a hobby and side business that needs to be cultivated in order to grow, but one of my favorite passtimes. I have done countless events (baby parties, bachelorette parties, baby showers, birthdays, and now planning my very own wedding. (Squeal) I am so happy.....I probably will do my own baby shower (fingers crossed right) and hurt my friends feelings. I did my own 30th Bday bash.....its not that I dont trust their judgement is that I cannot loose control and I KNOW what I love so why not do it.......this wedding will be on a budget....a tight one...but it will be fun no less....

Saw these wonderful ideas by some creative minds and wanted to share...

A LONG WINDING ROAD......hhhmmmmm

FET UPDATE
So my CD 3 results were great and so I have to go back on CD 9 to do more, from there I will know if I will be taking Estradiol and ultimately guage when I will ovulate or close to it. My nerves are ok but I am having those crazy baby dreams again. I am trying my best to remain as calm as possible and doing an okay job of it so far.

CD is 1/9th here I come...
Me and DH went out to McCormick and Schmick for dinner last night, he is a little under the weather but we had a good time...it was really romantic. It would break my heart if this doesnt work because I would be hurt more so for his feelings...he believes in this so much and I do too but he just wont have any other 'What If" thoughts.....this journey is such has been such a long winding road, on our way home from our date he ran into a friend she was very pregnant on her 2nd and he greeted her and they bantered....He so wants to see me in that state..to have our child grow within my womb. I have spent countless days/nights praying for this miracle. I came across Mathew 6 vs. 7 "But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking." It stopped me dead in my tracks because I have been praying the same prayers but now I won't.

I leave with you a few verses, if you are not religious I understand but at least read it, it wouldnt hurt.

In Matthew 17:20 Jesus reiterates that same message:

For truly, I say to you, if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.

I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.
A prayer to offer
Oh lord, my heavenly father I pray that you will answer my request for a child, please touch & bless us both me & my husband together with a healthy child. I believe you will bless us soon - In Jesus name I pray. Amen

2012 IS HERE AND SO IS AUNT FLOW

CD 1 OF AUNT FLOW WAS JANUARY 1 AT NOON,  Thats right she decided to ring in the New Year and was fashinably late, I am excited and DH is even happier. We are ready to get back in the swing of things and complete the journey. So from my understanding and depending on if all works out ET is typically done on Day 19th. If it all works out we fly in Jan 18th do the transfer on 1/19th and then fly back with our friend the next day. I will send my prayers to God for a smooth cycle this month.

 

While browsing online I came across a fertility prayer and wanted to share

The Fertility Blessing

You know my deep desire for a child
A little one to love and to hold, to care for,
to cherish. Grant that my body may conceive
and give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby in
Your holy image.

Guide me in all my choices so that this
conception, my pregnancy and my baby's birth
are in line with Your will.

Heavenly Father and Holy Mother,
hear this prayer of my heart, mind and spirit.

Amen.

HIGHLIGHT OF THIS WEEK:  that would be to do my CD 3 monitoring because I am so happy that Aunt Flo is finally here...

 

 

Wedding Planning

So I had mentioned that I have been trying to plan our wedding,  on 12/31 I went to my first Dress fitting at David's Bridal, I hated everything I tried on and became discouraged, I am on my getting me back diet program and still have a long way to go but not seeing myself the way I was a year ago was hard. Extreme weightloss affects your cycle/ reproductive system or I swear  would have gone and gotten some diet aids from my doctor....but then the thought hit me....I WANT a baby and that is my TOP priority and after baby I can work on me again in the meantime I will do what I started to cut down on carbs, try to walk aleast 3 times a week and eat less fried foods, with mainly salads or wraps for lunch. It's the little things that can make all the difference.....and I need my body healthy for the ET. I want to have a welcoming home for my baby...I cannot wait...

The good thing is that I am a planner so I know I will keep my mind busy and not be too overly stressed through this FET. I have faith in my God and he will see us through these changes...

 

HE PROPOSED.........................I FEEL SO BLESSED

ARE YOU CONFUSED BY THE TITLE? I BET SINCE I HAVE ALREADY BEEN REFERRING TO HIM AS DH-Dear Heart and not Dear Husband.....

On 12/13/2011 just before bedtime he surprised me, he proposed to me...I am too excited to add more, too excited to worry about FET, its perfect, so I wont obsess about the ET, I will be thinking of wedding bells. LOL

A HOP, SKIP, AND JUMP ITS THE MIDDLE OF DECEMBER....ALMOST

It's only a HOP, SKIP and a JUMP and the middle of DECEMBER FAST APPROACHES......

So I have been posting only weekly since I am not cycling just yet, when I am back doing that around the end of this month then I will post updates, issues, etc.

Currently though I feel so good, so relaxed and enjoying my time with family, friend, and everyone in between. IF is a lonely journey when you are doing it alone, we opted to do it this way to protect our hearts in the event we need to and also not to hear judgmental comments from close friends. We know they will be probably well meant but this is just so personal for us that we wanted to do it this way.

I have shared it with only my bestie that lives out of town and she can relate as she will be going down this ruote as soon as she medically can. I use this BLOG more as a journal, so that if someone else come across its contents they can either relate or know what they may go through while waiting for sFET.

"ME":Ok so I havent lost anymore than the 5 pounds, I havent checked but I dont think I have...I have been shopping which is bad but I enjoy getting girly again...its been so long since my focus shifted..

OBSESSION of the Week: Baby....yeah its obvious but I have been having fantasies, baby dreams, you name it...I just pray we get our wish for January..



HAPPINESS.. WHAT IT MEANS...

I have to really say that I feel really happy inside but still there are outside influences that threaten to break my spirit, namely WORK but I NEVER go into details.

FET JOURNEY: So Many ladies that have started the IVF process after me are pregnant or gettting ready to transfer and at first, I was feeling a little "left behind" but I quickly pushed those feelings aside and now all I feel is JOY for them. I feel happy when I see that it worked for them and sad when it doesn't because after all, we all are facing the same issues, we are INFERTILES and whats worse? We are STILL INFERTILES even if we get a BFP and have a baby so the struggle never ends for us. I dont feel sorry for myself anymore about being IF, it won't do any good. I send my praises to GOD and I ask that I am in his grace to bless me with my very own child. I await my blessing and take every delay now....instead of with sadness...I take it with happiness. I am exceedingly happy to NOT be poked with needles and not taking medication. But I walk this journey still, I am smelling the roses on the way and loving life.

"ME" Journey: I feel basically normal again, no meds, no pokes with needles, I feel free. I have dropped the 5 pounds I gained again after Thanksgiving and I have 10 more to go. I did a liquid diet for 5 days, it was extremely hard but it did help me feel loose in my clothes and it showed me I can do anything. This week I am still not taking in rice, break or pasta but will be mindful of what I eat. I cannot stress how good I feel.

OBSESSION of the Week: Happiness

I came across this musing and wanted to share it on here...

It is difficult to define happiness and contentment. Essentially , one' happiness is in one's own hands . There is a saying ' The mind is its own place an can make a hell or a heaven ' - so very true..Happiness is afterall a state of mind which has nothing to do with only material  possessions. I notice that no matter what we possess, we are still not happy with what we have. Wealth makes one happy to a certain extent, and,  when one is in love there is happiness and contentment within you before other things take over. Yet ,at the same time I have seen some of the most ordinary people leading very contented and peaceful lives with the barest of  essentials. One may say that they lack ambition, but,  at the end of the day, I feel what is more important is to look back on your life and remember the past  with a smile . 
One can then safely say that once we come to terms with our life and adjust accordingly things are bound to look up. It is not really essential to have a lot of money or wealth or other material things to make one happy in life. However there are a few requirements that are essential to make us happy and inner peace comes when all these requirements are met with. Health according to me  is of primary importance without which we can never be happy..

Happiness also is all about one's attitude towards life, and how best we are able to handle it. No doubt that money and wealth has a great part to play in our lives and in making us happy and comfortable . But there are other necessities as well that are essential. Happiness largely lies with ourselves and how we look at life and our priorities. Inner Peace and happiness go together, and we keep searching for it all our lives.

It is simpler things in life that give us immense happiness and contentment . Inner peace and love for others makes our life worth living. One is happiest when there is something to look forward to in life and there is a general feeling of contentment . Happiness comes with a combination of many things. Money is of course necessary, but , so are other things like human values and relationships.

We cannot be happy all the time since we all face pressures of some kind or the other, but,  when  one is determined to overcome all these adversities, and be positive , one is able to be happy and content most of the times . Being Positive is one of the most essential ingredient for happiness ..

BETTER SPIRITS TODAY, FET for JANUARY 2012

Today I am in MUCH better spirits, better than yesterday. I am dealing with some internal work related stresses but I wont talk about them in my blog, they dont even deserve it.......oh why oh why cant I hit the lottery or convince DH to move somewhere else.............wait we both LOVE  South Florida.

OBSESSION OF THE WEEK: I have been on a liquid diet for 3 days, no not ordered to but my BFF has to be on it for a month so I thought I would do it for a week to empathize with her.......what I have noticed : I AM HUNGRY.........OMG how in the hell will she do this for a whole month...I am dying here...I was so pathetic last night I ate some icing from a cake just so I can have energy. LOL....When you re sick it is easy to not want to eat but when you are a healthy woman that has daily stress you deserve to indulge here and there...

ME: Okay so the quest in getting me back kind of is on hold...Thanksgiving ruined it, its not that I ate too much but I KEPT eating....I find myself eating when I am happy, sad, mad or glad so I had to get to the bottom of this, why in the world would someone gain......gulp....20 pounds in 11 months... (sshhh) this is embarrassing to even type..Then I realized what has been the major change... SEX. I had the aha moment last night, January to June gained 5 pounds no worries. Went to Clinic to start the IVF process in August and he mentioned something about working out throwing off schedule so I stopped walking/jogging cold turkey plus the med, eating, and the low activity wow and going through the phases kind of put sex life on hold. DH has been very careful and thought he would somehow cause an issue, so we arent as ACTIVE.

TMI WARNING read at your own risk LOL-but I plan to have a whole lot of fun when I have healed. I havent done anything romantic, worn sexy lingerie or anything. I am thinking of doing a sexy boudouir photo shoot yep extra pounds and all for DH. I will have to summon all of my courage to do that because truth be told I am not comfortable in my skin right now...well not 100%. my DIVA mode is on warm right now and I need to get it back to HOT...We might as well have all this fun now before the FET in January.