WAVES OF GLOOM AND DESPAIR......A BUMP ALONG AS I KEEP ON THIS JOURNEY

I meant to do a blog update yesterday but I couldnt, I was drained.

I spent the day happily with some of my friends first at a bridal show and then on the beach. It felt great to be out with no cares, staring at the ocean, plans were being made and I noticed I missed a call from the bestie.

I called her and thats when it happened the waves of gloom...it's one of those high to low moments in life. As you ride the clouds you get knocked down, or it's like sitting too close to the end of the shore and then the waves come in higher than anticipated. My BFF of 10 + plus years barely being 32 is awaiting to hear her fate, awaiting to hear if she has cancer. I was angry, why I am just being told when you were told 2 days ago but she said she wanted to process it, she knew if she told me she would cry and she started to, so I put on the brave front but inside I was screaming so loud. Yelling that this just isnt happening, this isn't fair. I whisper a prayer for strength, I am struggling to keep the cracks in my voice from showing, I am struggling to pretend it is okay. The cruel jokes that life can give. I give her the strength she needs while all the while I fought to succumb to the grips of fear. I walk up the steps to my condo, and she changed the subject wanting to talk of the weding planning, so I told her about my day of attending a Bridal show and winning a mini vacation, an hour ago that was the highlight of the day but right now it is so darn insignificant. I could rip that certificate to shreds, I DONT WANT TO HAVE SMALL TALK WHILE YOU SIT WAITING FOR DREADED NEWS....I want to be there but we are thousands of miles apart. I start to think it is bargaining time again with God, but he knows my hearts desire is to know she will be okay. So here's to life, and its Effed up chapters, one minute you are sitting high and the next you are low...I think this feeling goes back to 2007 when me and some other friends were in South Carolina having a blast, a friend of ours had died. We DONT talk about it anymore, no not because we dont love and miss him more than anything but we are all afraid that we would all drown in a sea of anguish, and slip into blissful depression as we all did before. We tried to do the healthy talk before, , we were reminiscing about the good times and laughed and we all started crying, me being the most private just had tears trickling but the howling cries from my friends gave me nightmares for weeks no months. We realize life is short and so we cherish each moment we have together. We say I love you more to each other and we do our best to NOT let life get in the way.

My mind isnt so busy obsessing about the FET transfer as it was months before, do I want a baby still YES with all of my heart but now life is showing me that the world does not revolve around me and my wants...now more than anything I want my friend to not get that cancer prognosis, now more than ever I dont want to read google and know she may ONLY have 5 years if she does get this prognosis, now more than ever I want to curl up on the couch and cry but I won't, we FIGHT DAMN you. We think of the plan of attack and we do this as a family, we take this on and we will get through it. I want to rewind to 5 days ago when we were on the phone joking, before that Doctor delievered that news, before these waves of gloom.