WARNING, THIS POST IS NEGATIVE...I AM FEELING VERY NEGATIVE
Surely I am NOT making fun of the fact that AF is still NOT HERE and it is actively CD 37 of my last period. I am freaking out, unhappy and a little grumpy but I am doing a good job to try and hold it inside. I do not plan on missing another month, if my cycle does not begin on its own UP TO CD 40, then I will ask the clinic to take other measures. I have waited and waited and waited. This isn't fair to any woman that has endured so many long years of infertility. I have been through denial, then the realization, then acceptance, then hope, now I am loosing that hope slowly. I have have been waiting for 6 months for FET, you would think I would gotten use to it but I am not. I am aggravated and angry right now and I know I have waivering faith at the moment. I have to shake the anger but I suppose I want to wallow in it for a little while. The swollen boobs are there but not as much as it was when AF should have been here 2/1/2012. DH suggested I did a pregnancy test and the venomous way I looked at him made him walk away, hurt. Really? I have TUBAL issues and now it appears hormonal ones as well, I doubt very much that there is a baby in here..........I couldn't even bring myself to buy a pregnancy test yesterday..it seemed too comical, too surreal. Me? the one who all her life has had to fight for everything would just be pregnant the old fashion way with tubes that were clogged and may still be again? No I do not believe it. DH was even talking about "we have children this" and "when we have children that"...I held my tongue and smiled sweetly...I love him so much and we have faith in our embie but I do not think he has room for error in his thoughts. I KNOW not before God's time and the devil is having a field day with my heart and mind. I am trying to regain my positive strength, trying to hang on. I need all the prayers at this low moment.
CD 40 IS THURSDAY 2/9/2012. A PRAYER IS BEING SENT TO MY LORD AND SAVIOR TO SETTLE MY WEARY HEART, AND THE ANGER IN MY SOUL. THIS TOO SHALL PASS, THE RIGHT PATH WILL BE REVEALED...I PRAY FOR STRENGTH AND CONTINUED PATIENCE.
On a positive note so many of the ladies that are cycling are doing good and that makes my heart feel good, I have always been that way, I love to know that people are happy especially ones that are on the same struggle as me with infertility. Lots of hugs to those ladies fighting the fight.
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