ANOTHER FREAKING HURDLE....BUT AM BETTER NOW

WARNING...EVEN THOUGH THIS IS UNLIKE ME A FEW EXPLITIVES HAVE BEEN USED.

Yesterday by far was one of the hardest days for me....I received the news from my clinic that my results were great....

BUT ( always that damn but) from my sonogram there was fluid around my ovaries.....Well cannot say that I overly surprised, after all there is always freaking something...everything is NEVER just smooth sailing...I was advised to go into the clinic a day before the impending ET to have this rviewed and the fluid aspirated...from there they will have a better idea on when I can do ET. My emotions went from being angry at the situation, angry at DH for being positve, angry at my body and freaking jacked up reproductive system, angry at life...just angry. I truly had the towel in my hand and was ready to throw it in. I look in the mirror and I not only gained the 5 pounds I lost over the holidays I gained am sure another 10 so in all I am sure I gained a whooping 20-25 pounds since January 2011. I was angry but then it slowly subsided, I kept talking to

God in my head, I kept thinking about the baby that will be here and forcing us out of our too tiny condo...I thought and thought and then went to sleep. I woke up today INCREDIBLY uplifted and feeling like the old me.....yes the woman in that use to say FUCK you ( SORRY for the explitive its my emotions) to any adversary, I am not giving up, these last few months have been the hellish ones of my life and I will be damned if I just go cry, be sad or accept defeat in a corner. Damn you HYDROSALPHINX for fucking up my tubes, damn you life for being the shit you have been to me and making me work 5 times harder to get anything, and damn this situation that make me weak, I am human but weak isn't in me despite my fear of needles I AM NOT WEAK.

I will continue to give praises to my LORD and savior...I will ask him to forgive me for the explitives I said and the ones I thought, I ask for forgiveness for allowing doubt into my mind and into my heart.... WHEN has anything been easy for me? WHEN? NEVER thats right never.....I have had to fight for alot all of my life....my name should be warrior princess, if there is a fight of wills I have it and not damn fluid will take it away from me, we deal with it and move on from it.....no sad face....no making the devil think he has won.


PIO SHOTS...

For any ladies that have to take this shot and are fearful of needles like me then GET EMLA CREAM NOW, no own stock if you have to.Last night was our first evil, dreaded progesterone in oil shot, I didnt feel anything and I was so nervous. A few minutes after the shote the spot felt slightly sore even with the heating pad, and massaging...but a hot shower took care of that and the soreness is much more dull, definitely need to alternate sides. In the end, I felt better knowing we'd done lots of reading online for various tips. I knew that we were prepping as much as we could and that we just had to go for it. Our approach is outlined below. I must give the disclaimer that I am not a nurse, nor claim to be one. If you are reading this and administering PIO, please consult your clinic and/or pharmacy for full, proper instructions.



Pick a time in the PM, that's not too close to bedtime. You'll see why below

•Numb area with Emla CREAM or an icepack before hand to ease the stick. Flick the site to ensure you dont feel anything before injecting if you do am sure you will feel it.

•Identify the correct area on the cheek/hip to inject. A proper injection site, from what I've read and been told by our nurse, is extremely important. The upper 1/4 quadrant of the toosh, to be exact. We were specifically told it shouldn't really be "in the butt" at all. If you go too low, you're at risk for hitting your sciatic nerve, which can cause semi-permanent nerve damage and I'm sure hurt like a mutha. To find the right spot, we drew a horizontal line at my crack over one cheek, and then split that cheek vertically down the center, which allowed us to identify the upper 1/4 quad. Mine was done sorta still in the butt well I have too much back there at the moment so cannot help it, lots of cushion for the pushing though :-)

•Take all of the weight off the muscle you're injecting into. I recommend lying face down. The more tense, the more it will hurt and the harder it will be for the PIO to disperse into the area. DH was trying to convince me to stand but no way Josie.....laying flat facing the opposite way was not so unnerving.

*Warm the oil in a heating pad or with both hands prior to injecting. Slightly warming gets the oil looser. I do not think it was warm enough yesterday so 1cc took a few seconds longer but the nurse at the clinic I did local monitoring yesterday said SLOW AND STEADY, the faster you rush then it might hurt.

•After sticking, hold still while the med is being administered. What a concept, huh. :) After he stuck me, which I barely felt most likely because of the EMLA CREAM, I could still feel the presence of the needle, but it didn't hurt at all. This is good, seeing as how it takes a bit of time to inject all of the PIO into the muscle due to the thickness of the solution. I dont know which oil but it took a few seconds to get in.

*After injecting apply steady pressure with a warm rag or with the heating pad and sit on it for 10 or so minutes..mine stil was a litte sore but a Hot shower helped.

•Massage, heat, walk around, massage heat etc! Ok, so maybe we didn't do all of that AND repeat, but you get the idea. I hope my ideas help and we did ours around 8 pm, not too close to bed so I was able to heat and walk around.

Today, the area has a dull sore feeling, but it's not bad to walk in my heels. My hope is that between alternating cheeks and the EMLA life saviorthat it will heal the next time we get to the same spot. Only time will tell! I am going to declare that I hope we do not have to stay on them but go on to the crinone suppositories...I am so over needles..

2 DAYS TO PIO......

In 2 days if my bloodwork looks great then on to PIO shots (Progesterone In Oil) for my sFET (Single Embryo Transfer) on 3/2/2012, I did the calculation, if God blesses us with this miracle I would be due 11/18/2012, my late father's birthday was 11/10th so it would be very monumental if this all work out. I am happy to report thatgyu I am NOT freaking out as much, I read, and read and read and thankfully I stopped the freaking to hyperventilate but I know when it is show time I might be freaked. I have decided to try Emla cream to help numb the area. I didnt get a response if they will actually call the prescription in but I hope so if not then I will try to numb and numb and numb the area some more. I think ahead though and thought if I am flying into the city how in the world will I get the shots? I might have to bring the crinone and do it for those 2 nights. I hope it wont affect anything, I pray it wont affect anything but I will be in the airpoort what choice do I have...I wont be able to give it to myself, the conditions wont be sanitary but I have to take the meds.

FUN TALK
So I didnt want to start the idea of the week again but I was looking at maternity styles...I am a DIVA, I admit it and I know my life and body will go through many changes and I want to make sure that I at least look cute while going through them. YES I am already accepting that this will work...

CD 15 and counting....

It's CYCLE DAY 15 and I am counting....I have been a busy busy bee lately with life and work. However no matter how busy I get or how much I do I can still hear that ticking clock in my head, tick tock, sFET may be actallu approachin and so are those pesky PIO shots.
Corny but true

You know you are doing IVF when someone asks what day is today and your immediate response is Cycle Day______.

My freaking out has somewhat subsided, I had to dig deep to the more rationale side and realize this IS IVF afterall and as such there are needles, you have to take the pain in the game. My current thoughts are to deal with it, and cry if it hurts....secretly of course. :-) DH oh DH the bastard that he is being about the whole PIO injection meltdown, he is making me angry which in his way is helping me cope I suppose. I love him lots.

CD 13 Updates, the road is looking good BUT scary

CD 13 Updates

I received a call for my instructions and that everything looks good but I am freaking out to the point of almost hyperventilating. My instructions up the Estrace pills to 3 times a day from today until Sunday.
Monday-Friday PIO shots, what the what !!!!!!!!!! Holy ( insert the F bomb here please) Shots? Not the crinone I was given but shots. I was told that it works best and because I have the 1 embie that they want to up my odds the doctor wants this action taken and I might still have to take the crinone too depending on my bloodwork monday. When I heard that, I forgot everything else, my heart was pounding out of my chest, no my heart IS pounding out of my chest. FREAKING OUT IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT.

I will have to face my biggest fear BUTT ON, no pun intended. You might say hey what a little needle for the sake of a baby and I agree 100% however I was traumatized as a child and I remember it vividly and it has affected my entire life with needles and now to do it in the exact spot that caused the fear. SHIT. Okay I can do this, I can do this. I will have to pray, chant, and cry to get through next week for those 5 days. I know people might even comment I am being a baby, well I DO NOT CARE. Tell that to my palpitating heart. I need a paper bag to breathe in a moment but overall I will have to deal with it and I will for now I will freak...and freak ....and freak.

BRIGHTER NOTE
BUt YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE if all looks good I finally get to transfer our baby. Our beautiful baby that I hope to see in November. I have to believe this will work, it just has to. This entire journey has been so long, Lord please grant our hearts desire. The schedule is set for 3/2/2012 "IF all looks good. PLEASE GOD LET THIS BE OUR TIME.


RAMBLINGS FROM 2/20/2012 UNPOSTED

I woke up in great spirits; I think I was slightly skipping. It’s that feeling of being credibly thankful for life and being blessed.
DOWN TO BUSINESS
Today is CD 12 on my FEBRUARY HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) journey. For those of you who may not know what this entails, well it includes taking Estrogen Pills to thicken the Uterine Lining and then Progesterone to assist the body for the implantation of my embryo. I am not an expert on this topic so Dr. Google may be able to give you more details. So far I started taking Estrace pills since CD 2 which was 2/10/2012 and will find out later today what happens next. At the appointment today the U/S tech told me my ovaries are quiet ( no embies growing threatening to cause ovulation) and that my lining looks great. I am cautiously excited, why? I have been down this road before….many times, many many times it seems. I have been waiting to transfer this embie since October 2011. If all goes well then maybe in less than 2 weeks I will get to the point of ET (Embryo Transfer). It is unlike any ride I have been on but for this one I am rather mellow and Zen about it. But, truth be told this mellow shit is hard for me. I cannot wait to have a time line so I know what to do next. I am a planner and I want to have a check list. I think being an out of town patient makes this kind of harder because it puts so much distance between me and my cycle, well that is how it feels for me.Oddly enough I don’t feel freaked out about the actual FET. In fact I have decided that it will work, so what is to worry? I trust in my God and boy do I have a lot of faith, I prefer to use my time renewing my faith than to use it and worry. So the clinic was sent my result and didnt know it so my results came a day late.


WEDDING OH THE PLANNING, QUITE THE HEADACHE BUT FUN AS WELL.

SHORT & QUICK....

There wasn't a part 2 to my blog on Sunday...but we went to the bridal show and it was a little boring BUT it was fun being together.Just as the title states this is a short and quick update


FET-Okay so while on Estrace I get serious headaches unless I take the pill with food. I did the unthinkable and drank Green Tea with one of my pills 3 days ago and the headache was unbelievable, I am so calm on this cycle that I think maybe I am being way too laid back about it. It's not that I am not nervous on a whole but honestly I am not obsessing about ANY part of it. Not about the pills, not if I am progressing, nothing...I guess I feel it is what it is not sure. Monday is the big day, I go in for more Bloodwork and the Ultrasound and from there I will know. I strongly believe that If God doesn’t give you what you want, it isn’t what you need.

"A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape …
but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape…

WEDDING PLANNING: It is coming along nicely but I think that I might change something here or there but overall it is on track.

CD 4 and counting......

FET UPDATE

Okay I wanted to apologize for my last post, looking back it seemed I was rambling and not making much sense but I won't delete it because that was how I was feeling, all jumbled.

Today is CD 4 and I got some insight from the wonderful ladies of the forum I am apart of. They gave me the times of their own FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) which will help me to depict when mine may take place if my body cooperates. On the HRT FET cycle that I am currently on, the goal is to make sure my hormones and uterine lining are normal and at a certain level in order to do the transfer. This takes place anywhere from Day 21-28 of the cycle, based on some people's past experiences and Dr.Google. The downside is reading about people's unresponsive lining, so far that isnt my concern, mine is that it will be pumped up too much and too soon. I will pray on this and hope for the best won't freak myself out about it.

It's too cold for South Florida at currently 45 degrees brrrrrrr, I am going for a walk and then church and then the grand finale will be to attend the Bridal Expo in my city. I will do part 2 to this later this afternoon.

CYCLE DAY 3 BACK FROM HIATUS.....I THINK...!!!!!!

I AM HAPPY BUT DEFINITELY CAUTIOUSLY EXCITED TO BE BACK ON THIS JOURNEY. I WAS A LITTLE NERVOUS BECAUSE DAY 1 MY CYCLE STARTED WITH A VERY LIGHT FLOW WHICH WAS NORMAL BUT BY NIGHTNIGHT THERE WAS NOTHING ALMOST, I DIDNT LOOSE FAITH, I PRAYED KNOWING THAT IN THE MORNING I WOULD NEED TO GO IN TO SEE THE DOCTOR. I DID THE CYCLE DAY 2 BLOOD WORK & ULTRASOUND THE CLINIC REQUESTED AND BY THE AFTERNOON THE FLOW WAS EXTREMELY HEAVY AND I WAS IN A TERRIBLE CRAMPING STATE ALL NIGHT, I TRIED THE HOLISTIC APPROACH, I TAKE PAIN MEDS ONLY IF I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO AND WHEN I DID THE RELIEF STILL DIDNT COME, I WAS MISERABLE BUT I HAD TO REMIND MYSELF THIS IS WHAT U WANT. NOT COMPLAINING HERE BY ANY MEANS BUT BOY DID MOTHER NATURE COME WITH A VENGENACE, WHAT I LOVE ABOUT MY CYCLE IS THIS, THE FIRST 24 HOURS IS ALWAYS MY WORST AND THEN IT TAPERS OFF TO NOTHING AS FAR AS PAIN. I AM NOT SURE WHY BUT THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE NORM. I AM SO HAPPY THOUGH, I HAVENT BEEN IN NYC FOR A FEW MONTHS, I WONDER IF I WILL REMEMBER WHAT TRAINS TO TAKE :-). OKAY I AM RAMBLING SO LETS GET BACK ON TRACK

THE INSTRUCTIONS FROM THE CLINIC

ESTRACE 1 PILL A DAY FROM 2/10-13, THEN ESTRACE 2 PILLS A DAY FROM 2/14-2/20. ON 2/20 IT IS MY NEXT ULTRASOUND AND BLOODWORK. I GUESS IF ALL LOOKS GREAT THEN WE CONTINUE WITH WHATEVER ELSE THEY WANT TO DO 2/20 IS CYCLE DAY 12 AND TYPICALLY TRANSFER IS DONE CYCLE DAY 19 THROUGH 21 FROM MY UNDERSTANDERING SO IF MY BODY COOPERATES MY FET MAY BE 2/27-29 ....I AM GETTING STEPS CLOSER TO GETTING MY BABY BUT BEING CAUTIOUSLY EXCITED, NOTHING IS EVER THAT SMOOTH WITH ME AND I PRAY MY BODY COOPERATES, I PRAY THAT NOT ONLY DO I MAKE IT TO FET BUT THAT MY EMBIE IF TRANSFERS STICKS AND YIELDS OUR HAPPY HEALTHY BABY FOR 2012. THIS WOULD BE THE BEST GIFT EVER.





FUN WEDDING STUFF


ME AND MY FINANCE ARE FUN LOVING PEOPLE BUT HE IS LOOKING AT THE RECEPTION AS ONLY A PARTY ASPECT. HE ISNT TAKING SO MANY THINGS IN ACCOUNT THAT HE SHOULD BE LUCKY I AM HERE TO DO THE REALITY CHECK. HE WANTS TO PARTY ALL NIGHT LONG, WHILE OKAY FOR ANY PARTY NOT OKAY FOR THE WEDDING RECEPTION, WELL IN MY OPINION.... ONE OF MY MAID OF HONORS WHILE SHE IS ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS, SHE DOESNT SEEM TO HAVE ANY INTEREST IN MY WEDDING AND I AM CONSIDERING "NOT" HAVING HER IN THE WEDDING. IT WOULD BREAK MY HEART TO DO THAT BUT WHY HAVE PEOPLE WITH US ON A DAY THAT IS SO SPECIAL. I AM STILL SO CONFLICTED BUT KNOW THAT THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE I CAN PRIVATELY VENT SO TO SPEAK. ANYWAY I TOLD MYSELF INSTEAD OF ONCE A WEEK I WOULD TRY TO BLOG MORE OFTEN ESPECIALLY NOW THAT I AM BACK ON THE JOURNEY, THIS WAY IT MAY HELP ANOTHER PERSON THAT IS DEALING WITH A SIMILAR ISSUE.

MOTHER NATURE IS FINALLY HERE.........9 DAYS LATE

SO FINALLY MY CYCLE STARTED AND NOW BEGINS THE JOURNEY TO FET ( FROZEN EMBRYO TRANSFER). I AM ANXIOUS, NERVOUS AND APPREHENSIVE, AFTER ALL THE DELAYS IT IS HARD TO GET TOOO EXCITED SO I AM GUARDED, BUT THEN THE REALITY HITS, THERE IS ONLY THAT 1 CHANCE FOR US, ONLY THAT ONE EMBRYO. I DO KNOW THAT WITH GOD THAT ONE EMBRYO CAN RESULT IN 2 BABIES AND WE WELCOME THAT. I PRAY THAT MY BODY COOPERATES SO I AM ABLE TO FINISH OUT THE CYCLE AND THAT I AM ABLE TO KEEP MOVING...I PRAY FOR SO MANY THINGS.


CHANGING THE TOPIC FOR A MOMENT TO TALK WEDDING...

DECOY DRESS :-) IT LOOKS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I LOVE...

I FOUND MY DRESS....HOLY COW...I WAS IN LOVE. I WOULD LIKE TO TELL ANY BRIDE TO BE WHEN YOU ARE DRESS SHOPPING ONLY GO WHEN YOU ARE IN THE MOOD, AND PREFERABLY BY YOURSELF AT FIRST. I WENT FOR A MINI DRESS SESSION WITH MY SISTERS AT DAVIDS BRIDAL AND HATED IT. I WENT TO A BRIDAL BOUTIQUE ALONE AND HAD THE BEST EXPERIENCE....TRIED ON ONE DRESS AND I WAS IN LOVE. I WONT POST IT HERe THOUGH IT WILL BE A SURPRISE TO ALL....AFTER ALL WE STILL HAVE A WHILE TO GO AND I AM HERE TRYING TO GET PREGNANT. I HAVE ALL THE FAITH IN MY CYCLE TO GET PREGNANT AND GIVE BIRTH BY THE END OF NOVEMBER AND THEN LOOSE THE BABY WEIGHT WITHIN 4 MONTHS FOR OUR WEDDING. I BELIEVE WITH ALL MY HEART THAT THIS WILL HAPPEN, I PRAY MY FATHER GRANTS MY HEARTS DESIRE...

SLOWING FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW

WARNING, THIS POST IS NEGATIVE...I AM FEELING VERY NEGATIVE

Surely I am NOT making fun of the fact that AF is still NOT HERE and it is actively CD 37 of my last period. I am freaking out, unhappy and a little grumpy but I am doing a good job to try and hold it inside. I do not plan on missing another month, if my cycle does not begin on its own UP TO CD 40, then I will ask the clinic to take other measures. I have waited and waited and waited. This isn't fair to any woman that has endured so many long years of infertility. I have been through denial, then the realization, then acceptance, then hope, now I am loosing that hope slowly. I have have been waiting for 6 months for FET, you would think I would gotten use to it but I am not. I am aggravated and angry right now and I know I have waivering faith at the moment. I have to shake the anger but I suppose I want to wallow in it for a little while. The swollen boobs are there but not as much as it was when AF should have been here 2/1/2012. DH suggested I did a pregnancy test and the venomous way I looked at him made him walk away, hurt. Really? I have TUBAL issues and now it appears hormonal ones as well, I doubt very much that there is a baby in here..........I couldn't even bring myself to buy a pregnancy test yesterday..it seemed too comical, too surreal. Me? the one who all her life has had to fight for everything would just be pregnant the old fashion way with tubes that were clogged and may still be again? No I do not believe it. DH was even talking about "we have children this" and "when we have children that"...I held my tongue and smiled sweetly...I love him so much and we have faith in our embie but I do not think he has room for error in his thoughts. I KNOW not before God's time and the devil is having a field day with my heart and mind. I am trying to regain my positive strength, trying to hang on. I need all the prayers at this low moment.

CD 40 IS THURSDAY 2/9/2012. A PRAYER IS BEING SENT TO MY LORD AND SAVIOR TO SETTLE MY WEARY HEART, AND THE ANGER IN MY SOUL. THIS TOO SHALL PASS, THE RIGHT PATH WILL BE REVEALED...I PRAY FOR STRENGTH AND CONTINUED PATIENCE.

On a positive note so many of the ladies that are cycling are doing good and that makes my heart feel good, I have always been that way, I love to know that people are happy especially ones that are on the same struggle as me with infertility. Lots of hugs to those ladies fighting the fight.