What the what?

So let me start by recapping my day yesterday

Thursday 9/5/13
I have been SUPER Cranky. I called the RE's office, annoyed as there is still no AF, then I was advised to do bloodwork the next day, and then ultrasound on 9/9. It is a step in the right direction but I was very irritated. I told my husband I didn't like what the nurse was implying, I mean they did say they would give me provera to get  my cycle going and I had to suggest perhaps the doctor should do an Ultrasound since I am concerned. I don't know, just didn't like the overall feeling of the phone conversation. My cycles have been missing since the Lap, DH told me not to worry and it will all work out. I said a prayer, remained grumpy but decided to leave it in God's hands and told DH, nothing before it's time I guess.

Which brings me to today
Quest Diagnostic @ 7am and did the bloodwork, on way to work felt slight cramps, thought hey those feel like AF could this be real....turned up the radio sang to work and forgot about it. Got to desk, started day then major cramps, what? go to restroom and there she is,  Aunt Flow.
It has been light all day but the cramps are the worse I can remember....I suppose my body took its own time to heal and now here she is. I jumped for joy in the rest room, and high fived the air. I was so ecstatic I called the clinic and told the nurse and she said, "you know funny thing the head nurse said yesterday I bet her cycle starts on friday....anyway she said start your birth control pills tommorrow cycle day 2, I have an IVF meeting with the doctor on tuesday and then I will get back to you with the rest of the protocol and meds....She also said I may be on bcp for only a week".....
WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
I mean I guess I am in shock that this could possibly go so fast, then I question is my body completely healed? Why wasn't a game plan already in place? I have mixed feelings but I have ZERO control over the cycle, you see this is the price you pay for winning a free cycle, you feel like you just have to go along. I am sure him doing all he can to get me pregnant will only do good for his sart numbers, but at the same time besides that he gains NOTHING from my cycle, well no compensation, so I wonder if he will truly do his all to get us to our goal. I am remaining positive though, because at the end of the day I can "choose" to think positive and do what I can for my self...

On the weight front, it took me 4 weeks to loose 7 pounds,  I am borderline pissed off I run every day utilizing the couch to 5k. It is awesome if you are a beginner as I am, I love the way I fee after. While the scale is hardly moving, I feel lighter and my clothes are looser so that is my motivation....Since it seems I am in full swing I should be blogging more....lets see what tommorrow brings...lets see what this whole cycle brings.

Hindsight is 20/20

Hindsight is 20/20

Nothing new to report, absolutely nothing going on at all. I am just shooting the breeze and kicking rocks waiting for this to start, the anticipation is actually driving me nuts.

I am also having anxiety attacks about me starting a new job very recently ( 3 weeks) through this, DH was not really on board but it is much closer to home and it will come with new responsibilities, and here lies the issues for DH, rightly so by the way. I know, I know what the heck was I thinking or wasn’t thinking?

His concerns are valid and the top 2

• Point 1-Such as me being new and having to take time out for appointments.

Granted this is true BUT, I did state upon being hired that I had some pre-standing/ obligations and appointments that will take place Sept/October and I was told they are fine, now what happens as they start to play out is a whole other story.

• Point 2-In the event we are successful you will not have vested time in for FMLA.

Again he is right but he mentioned this part after I started…so if he had mentioned it prior I would have second guessed my decision so now yeah I am worried BUT let’s cross that bridge when we get there shall we.

 

This whole thing already makes me crazy so not in the mood to add another thing to the mix, whatever will be will be. I would HATE to loose this opportunity but would hate to NOT be a mother too, so being a mother wins. I can always find another job…

What's been up?

I have been quiet lately because it appears blogger hates me .....I just give up trying to post when its acting up.


Anyway on to more interesting things. I tested on friday (Doctors orders) to see if I was pregnant because you guessed it, still NO freaking AF. Well the nurse called me yesterday and of course NOT PREGNANT........gee what a shocker.

The good news according to my blood work, I will be ovulating soon and AF "should" be here soon and she did state the doctor is ready to cycle me. I am not sure how to feel...on one hand I am excited but on the next....where the hell is AF. All this happened AFTER me doing the lap in July and him saying he "fixed" a septate I didn't even know existed. I asked her what happens if in a week nothing and she said at that time I can take the Provera....again I still want to know where the hell is AF. For now I guess I will take their word for it and await the arrival and get this show on the road. I have my birth control pills here ready and waiting.

Let's see what else?............ I have been taking CO-Q1O Ubiquinol 100 mg twice a day ( 2 pills in the morning and 2 pills at lunch), so far the side effects for me is broken sleep but lots of energy during the day and I am very alert with work, no dragging feeling. On another note- I gained weight when I should have been loosing so 3 weeks ago I started couch to 5k to get my rotund butt in shape. So far I go running almost everyother morning on this plan, am down 5-6 pounds, I didn't want to obsess but I do feel better, some days I truly have to push myself but I know IVF will pack on some pounds so trying to get as much off as I can before the cycle starts. Hey a girl can only hope right..?

Good News & Bad News

Bad News-Aunt Flow is not here

Dear body,
You bitch, all I need from you is to cooperate so I can get on with cycling but alas you just need to be a selfish diva....what exactly is the hold up? Do u enjoy torturing us with what if thoughts....?
Genesis

Good News
We got accepted into the compassionate care program and our IVF meds will be covered 75%. YAY........truthfully I was aiming for 100% but I am thankful we got approved and will get some assistance. We are thrilled...so IVF to start soon√...IVF meds√...Period ?...who the hell knows perhaps she went on vacation, lovely.

I plan to post a tab with the compassionate care info later, this program is for self paying IVF patients to get some relief from the high cost of IVF meds. DH is not on board with provera but I certainly am..the sooner it comes, the sooner we cycle. Am I surprised?.....not really, I am convinced Infertility is torture and the unpredictable up and downs just some more hell.

Side Note-uuhhhmmmmmm my DH is completely in love with the idea of triplets or quads. While I am fond of reading stories of multiples and think it `may` be great, truth is HELL NO....that is all. :-)

Missing

AF (aunt flow) is missing....I am never "this" late....and nooooooooooooooo I am not pregnant, what I am is really concerned that this will delay us more. On monday I plan to contact the clinic and hopefully get prescribed provera to bring her on if she isn't here....this  is so frustating...:(

CD 38

It's cycle day 38 and aunt flow isnt here....naturally I am pissed.

Dear body,
This isn't damn funny bleed right freaking now.
Genesis

Thumbs Up & Meds

I have been trying to update this post for 4 days arrrgghhh, seriously considering wordpress. Also I cannot respond to comments but will as soon as I can to a kind message I recently received. :-)

Anyway using my tablet so ignore any and all typos and the errors :-)

My Dr's. Appt on 7/29 went well. YAY we cycle with my August period however July 's period isn't here yet motherfreaking great...and it's 8/1. If you have done IVF before you already know aunt flow does this all the time, never shows when she should but does when we don't want her. My cycles are 30-35 days in length and today is CD 35. I am excited but will not get a calender until my period starts, we still have no clue what meds will be used....I really want to know NOW, mainly because insurance does not cover meds, I want to price them out now, possibly get donated meds from the clinic or previous cyclers, and get unopened, unexpired meds from anyone willing to sell to me to keep cost low. I also will be submitting an application for free meds through the care program, the clinic gave me the info. At the end we will be smart and run everything by the doctor, we have an awesome nurse that is sympathetic to the costs associated. It's not that it was expected but a few posts prior I mentioned that with life even the best laid plans have HUGE bumps in the road. We have had to deal with some mindfields in the last few months...Anyway onward we go YAY.......

Dear body,
Please bleed today its CD 35 for goodness sake.

Thank you
Genesis

Enough Said

5 More Days

Just as the title shows, we have 5 more days to see the RE for the follow up. I moved it up 1 week because I am having insurance issues and would rather be safe than sorry.

There isn't much going on around here, life is less than exciting and summer is "almost drawing" to a close. I am NOT sad to see it go because I am anxious to start.....well I hope I start. Moving up the appointment is risky because AF ( Aunt Flo) is due on the same day but we shall see. I did not go on a diet as I said and did not loose any weight ( not that I was advised to but still ) however I did not gain ( Woo Woo have to get your excitement where you can) any and have been walking here and there again to get some physically activity in.

Disconnect
My life has been so wrapped with nothing but Infertility that I am not sure who I am anymore. I use to really love fashion and now I am not so much interested or even care. I guess all things are not as important when you are trying to grow your own family and it feels like it is out of reach, I have become so introverted and I hate it. Struggling with Infertility in silence is tough but at the same time it is easier for us to deal with it this way, we cannot deal with having others emotionally invested, I cannot deal with feeling like a failure if something were to go wrong. I know that Infertility is a disease but it would be EXHAUSTING to have to explain this to friends and family, and I don't want to, perhaps later but for now no. I know that it may be better to have this out there for more people to know about this epidemic. I am sure they are somewhat aware that we have issues but it is still "grey". I mean one of my closest friends asked me 4 days ago, "So are you guys trying" and I answered not right now WHICH is true....Not right now because I know we are not cycling at the moment but I did feel bad that I couldn't be honest with her. Another friend shared that even though she has 2 children it was due to her love for her husband because she had no plans of EVER having kids..... I was CRUSHED, but it isn't her fault, those are her true feelings. I feel so disconnected from them both because they are parents and I am not.

20 Questions

I got this idea from another blog, sorry I didn't link it and thought it would be a great idea to share a little more about me. Might as well since I am trying to pass the time until I see the RE again.

1.  What was the last thing you threw in the garbage/recycling?-McDonalds Bag ( don't judge me) :-)
2.  What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?-Don't have 1 nor do I want 1.
3.  What is your favorite quote?-If you can’t find the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
4.  What chore do you absolutely hate doing?-ALL of them but dishes is at the top of the list
5.  What is your favorite form of exercise? Walking even though I have been lazy for a month.
6.  What is your favorite time of day/day of the week? Fridays are good.
7.  What is on your bedside table?-A big basket with several bath and body lotions...running out of room
8.  What is your favorite body part?-My eyes, reminds me of my Dad
9.  Would you use the power of invisibility for good or evil? I dunno, give me the power then lets talk.
10.  If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be? 21
11.  What is the first thing you would do if you won the lottery? LONG VACATION then IVF- ( roll eyes) I know, but I absolutely want a baby though so there you have it
12.  What is your biggest pet peeve?-My husbands always mellow attitude, it makes me crazy but at the same time I love it..WHAT? did I confuse you well why yes I am completely crazy at times.
13.  If you could know the answer to any question, what would it be? Why the hell is IVF not covered by my insurance
14.  At what age did you become an adult? 18
15.  Recommend a book, movie, or television show in three sentences or less.-Investigation Discovery, American Dad, and Family Guy. 
16.  What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?
Having a smart mouth.
17.  What was the first album you bought with your own money?
I don’t really remember… I really like listening to the radio instead.
18.  If someone wrote a book about you, what would be the title?
Crazy in Heels......
19.  What story do you wish your family would stop telling about you?
My mom telling the one about me being a "lazy" child but ultimately got up one day and walked for food, no indication, no crawling, no cruising just directly to walking to grab her food. I believe her.
20.  True or false: The unicorn is the greatest mythical creature. State your case.
Unicorns?  Really?  I must have missed something here…

Skipping Along Happily,....where the heck is August

There are some challenges that we have been facing together financially but I have not and probably may not elaborate on that coincidentally began since the start of this new journey ARGGHHHH   WTF. In a nutshell sometimes when you have the best laid plans, SH$T   happens and causes so much change. I am nervous about it and as a matter of fact wonder how we will move forward but we will not cancel and as a matter of fact we cannot cancel without forfeiting the cycle therefore we will have to make it happen. With prayer we are sure it will all work out, albeit extremely dififcult but we will make it work....somehow.

After my second Post Op check 8/5, we are hoping that my period at the end of August I should be placed on birth control and it should take off from there into the IVF cycle.
What  am I hoping for?-A successful cycle yielding twins ( I say twins only because of my recent dreams/fantasies,) we will be happy with one healthy baby of our own.

Happy Hump Day and for your viewing pleasure....hmmmm this looks delicious, I love Red Velvet cupcakes and heels what a great marriage done here