My the time has been going...

Sadly I have slightly abandoned this blog as I did before when I had the miscarriage in 2012. In my defense I honestly  have been super busy with work, life, etc and of course doing everything in my power to think of anything but babies and our lack of.

I did it the other day though....I said it out loud.....I AM INFERTILE. Over the years I could write it down barely though on paper, or hear a Doctor say it but me saying out loud did not happen but I did and to my friends..............there was a hushed silence...so I said it again I AM INFERTILE. We were on our way back from visiting another friend on a road trip and I said it and felt the air shift. It felt good, the stress of it all came out......and boy did it feel therapuetic...I needed to do that, say it, accept it, conquer it and they said what I expected. I still didn't tell them about any of the failed IVF procedures, just how it hurts to not have my little one and of course one of my dearest friends said "honey why don't you adopt?"...I was driving and almost killed us at that comment " why don't you just adopt"....I understood where her heart was but I did want to run off the road....really why didn't I think of that my dear......aaahhhh I love her and she just wanted to give me hope I suppose, some hope, because she said she wished she could take my pain. I love her and instantly forgave her when she said that. Here I am again rambling as not to say what is next...

What is next? Hell I don't know. There are a few factors still.....
We cannot afford it out of pocket
I would not go to that doctor again
Would rather try Colorado if I finance or New Hope

There is some positive...we are doing great as a couple even though I see the longing in his eyes, he has so much faith and so many people are praying for us. Even people that have no idea what the issues are...and for that I am thankful. At first, well in 2012 he said he was onboard with adoption, now its no dice..he flat out said NO so let's see what happens and what I can brainstorm, the next prospect is not a pleasant one but it may be to get $10,000 from a family member of his, how to ask without saying what it is for will be challenging and he definitely is NOT on board with it but hey.....how bad do you want this DH....I know i want this badly.

Good Luck to those of you in the trenches, and hooray for the ones that made it out. I am glad I am no longer depressed ( I think), I am more so pissed but I am feeling hopeful again over all INFERTILITY SUCKS but it could be worse.