Back on track....Part 2 ish !

Let me dust off the webs from this blog and give an update..

Sadly I am not here to report that I am pregnant or that we have any concrete plans set on the trying to get pregnant journey. I am here to report that 2 of my friends had babies this year, also 1 co-worker and currently 2 other close friends are pregnant. I am here to report that I am officially 35 and CHILDLESS. The fear  of not being a mother at 35 is now my reality......COLD reality might I add.  I am trying to come to grips with it......let's just say I was not looking forward to the milestone. I am infertile and I may not get be a mother....................................

HELL NO, I cannot accept that. I WILL be a mother, and I will not go down without a fight.ODDS be damned I will start to pay closer attention to my cycles. I have been working out since February. I still eat really bad at times but I even started waist training. Lately I have been devoting my time to other things, ANYTHING rather than to sit and think about the matter at hand which is we have no children....still...F#@K.

Yep I cursed a few times....especially since the most recent of the announcements came yesterday via a card in the mail ( from a good friend might I add that is aware of what I am dealing with).  If ever a moment one would need wine...THAT WAS IT and hubby was not around to catch the groceries I threw on the floor. At this moment I am fine, I had to pray away my negative thoughts, the feeling of sadness, and depression and my current many uses of expletives.

That being said, I am very happy for her and I wish her the best. I will no doubt be there with her for the shower and anything else she needs and I have to tell myself perhaps she did not think when she sent that card. I forgive her..even if she is not aware of the hurt it caused. My friends should be able to share baby news without me wanting to fall apart or throw tantrums.

We are still being bombarded with people that continuously tell us to adopt or some that have made some negative comments to my DH about me....such as " Why would you marry her knowing these issues?"
 Don't worry I have no idea which one of his bastard friends said it or if it was male or female but when I find out...... I have a few choice words for them.......really colorful ones that would make most swoon. He won't tell me for fear of my retaliation but I see that it did upset him.


Developments
DH remains my support and said that we will get back on the journey within the next 3- 4 months ( sooner if I can help it), so my job is to research the next study if one is close for free or discounted IVF, a Doctor that I think we may use and then to see if we should get a loan for a 3 try package deal with WIN Fertility. It is really expensive in Florida, if you know a reputable doctor on the east coast let me know. I may go to NYC as they seem to have more affordable packages with great pregnancy rates. Heck I may move, I have been telling DH since 2012 we should relocate to a mandated state if only to get the insurance coverage and then back to FL once we are done.... I know there are no guarantees but it beats sitting here wondering what to do next. Also I have been thinking of frozen embryo adoption, but I do not want to visit that for another year or 2 if necessary and I hope it is not but if it is....then it is.

If you are still fighting to get your BFP...don't stop and you are not alone. Keep fighting it will come...

Bouncing Back.....Kinda!

I am starting to come around.....and accepting the things I cannot change...sort of.

While I am still sad that our last cycle did not work out and I am still childless (roll eyes)....guess what? Life Goes On!.....I am going to submit a few applications for Free IVF trials  close to home, as well as have a talk with DH to see if we should go ahead and finance  a package deal with at least 3 tries. My insurance sucks ( how many times have I said that line), and I have been toying with the idea for the last year to move to a mandated state for a while. Isn't it sad the thought of having to do that?

Anyway I am living day to day and saw this picture, it basically summarizes my day when people ask "Don't you guys want to have children?"

Disclaimer-I know it is not their fault and they just want to know :-) I suppose the mean side of me wants to just scream and slap them for asking.

Avoiding the Pain

I avoid this blog to avoid brining up memories, to avoid feeling like a failure. It's not healthy and it is not right but I truly do, I feel like I failed at Mini IVF and failed at traditional  IVF( well this one is questionable considering where I went and my thoughts) but still ARRGGGHHH we cannot afford it, can we stretch our selves thin....who am I kidding thinner? YES but should we...NO. DH has an elderly mom currently going through dementia and he is an only child persay. It's a sad situation that neither of us planned for but that's life for you. You can't always get what you want.

A close family member of mine that is barely out of high school is pregnant with twins, the news just about devastated me, she conceived around the time the cycle failed and guess who they called to plan the baby shower....yeah you guess right. (INSERT EXPLETIVE)
Here it is April and we have no set plans on what to do next and we are SICK and TIRED of being asked "When are you guys going to start?". The expletives that float in my mind are endless but I push it aside and say a silent prayer. I know I need to find my faith again, to accept the things I cannot change and move on with a plan to try again or not,  but importantly to deal with my feelings, our hurt, our longing.

On the sort of plus side, I found a FREE IVF trial and close to us ( yeah am always looking for any trials to help us) but guess what I do not qualify for another 6 months and there is no guarantee that they will be accepting people then. (Roll Eyes )

If anyone is out there still reading please pray for us, pray that we start our family, that we get into this trial regardless of the meager qualification that is keeping me out.

Also, to anyone that may read this and will start a cycle soon do not be discourgaed, so far I don't have a silver lining in my cloud but many have. Do not give up the fight and start fighting NOW.  New Hope is still offering Free IVF if you get into their Study protocol, I urge you to try to get in, they are the best. If I had responded better am sure things may be different. I need an attitude adjustment but things will get better and they will look up soon. Just needed to vent and be real, just needed to throw a tantrum.

My the time has been going...

Sadly I have slightly abandoned this blog as I did before when I had the miscarriage in 2012. In my defense I honestly  have been super busy with work, life, etc and of course doing everything in my power to think of anything but babies and our lack of.

I did it the other day though....I said it out loud.....I AM INFERTILE. Over the years I could write it down barely though on paper, or hear a Doctor say it but me saying out loud did not happen but I did and to my friends..............there was a hushed silence...so I said it again I AM INFERTILE. We were on our way back from visiting another friend on a road trip and I said it and felt the air shift. It felt good, the stress of it all came out......and boy did it feel therapuetic...I needed to do that, say it, accept it, conquer it and they said what I expected. I still didn't tell them about any of the failed IVF procedures, just how it hurts to not have my little one and of course one of my dearest friends said "honey why don't you adopt?"...I was driving and almost killed us at that comment " why don't you just adopt"....I understood where her heart was but I did want to run off the road....really why didn't I think of that my dear......aaahhhh I love her and she just wanted to give me hope I suppose, some hope, because she said she wished she could take my pain. I love her and instantly forgave her when she said that. Here I am again rambling as not to say what is next...

What is next? Hell I don't know. There are a few factors still.....
We cannot afford it out of pocket
I would not go to that doctor again
Would rather try Colorado if I finance or New Hope

There is some positive...we are doing great as a couple even though I see the longing in his eyes, he has so much faith and so many people are praying for us. Even people that have no idea what the issues are...and for that I am thankful. At first, well in 2012 he said he was onboard with adoption, now its no dice..he flat out said NO so let's see what happens and what I can brainstorm, the next prospect is not a pleasant one but it may be to get $10,000 from a family member of his, how to ask without saying what it is for will be challenging and he definitely is NOT on board with it but hey.....how bad do you want this DH....I know i want this badly.

Good Luck to those of you in the trenches, and hooray for the ones that made it out. I am glad I am no longer depressed ( I think), I am more so pissed but I am feeling hopeful again over all INFERTILITY SUCKS but it could be worse.

Quick Update

I haven't been on here in a while , not sure if anyone is even reading or following and I wouldn't blame you, its been 2 months.

Anyway wondering about our last cycle? It FAILED...I was no I AM incredibly still broken up about it. Currently everything is up in the air as far as the next step for us. I am not sure how I feel or if I want to deal with this again. I will be coming on here to add more later, talk about the WTF appointment (rolling my eyes) and to respond to a comment that I received. My emotions are still raw but I will be back on soon.

Happy New Year and baby dust for everyone still in the trenches.