8dptdt Wowza

It is currently 6:00 am and in 3 1/2 hours it will officially be 9dp5dt. I know, I know real specific.

Anyway let's start with at 1:00 am Sunday morning between 7 days post and a few hours to 8 days post (  it makes sense to me to count it based on my transfer time 9:38 am on 5/20). Anyway so I woke up realizing the Endometrin is on the night stand and not inserted at 8pm per usual. I drank some water....inserted, pulled it out and my faced dropped. BROWN freaking discharge. My brain screamed "Holy Shit Noooooooooooooooooooo" . Hubby was up watching TV so he looked over asked me what's wrong and I told him. I got up, went to pee, wiped and there was nothing on the TP so either I irritated my cervix or it just hasn't trickled down yet. Logic wasn't coming to me at 1:00 am, rather  fear was creeping in and I felt well there you have it. I dozed off and woke up still gripped in fear but tried to put it aside.
I did a quick Walmart run for breakfast items and got 2 of the cheapie (.88 cent) tests. I wasn't sure I was going to use it so I threw it under the sink. The day before I was walking around Target with hubby and he asked me if I was going to test and I said no....he asked because I walked down the test isle....on purpose...because I am a nut. Anyway so I got home cooked breakfast....and was feeling well "periody".

Truthfully I have felt periody all day Saturday and then Sunday basically periody as well too. Not major period cramps but sensations like my period is on the horizon. I prayed and tried my best to go about the day. We ate breakfast and vegged all day..... I seriously need to clean my house & dust.

Anyway I got up cooked dinner which we ate and watched a movie. So here it is Sunday officially 8dp5dt and the test began to summon me...lol. I went to the bathroom, closed the door and did it. Within 3 minutes the faintest line came up......I called hubby to look and he said no...then he said why did you test. I will post the 3 minute image here later on....and I said not sure couldn't wait. Anyway within 10 minutes it got darker and I left it there and it got even darker. He was cutting his hair and said hey babe it's darker. While he was stoic about it, so was I, this is what infertility does. We have had a positive in the past....we have had positive betas but we do not have our child so I understood his fear and need to be just as guarded as I am right now. But on the positive side... I AM PREGNANT. Personally I have never gotten a positive test when I was not positive, I do have another test I could take but I wont. Also I wanted to add that my urine was not held long. I have to pee all the time but I am drinking so much water so it is hard to hold it.

7dp5dt

Today is 7dp5dt (7 days post 5 day transfer).  I can't really believe that it has been a week since my transfer. Eek, last week at this very time ( 5:37 pm) I was in the hotel resting, watching Netflix after having my transfer and acupuncture earlier in the day.

Only 3 more days to my beta on Tuesday, it would have been Monday but due to the memorial day holiday the clinic will be closed.  A lot of people feel like the 2WW (2 week wait) to the pregnancy test is unbearable and they are right it kind of is.  Overall though for me it has been OK.  I have tried not to think too much about it which was difficult.   I'm feeling OK, not super optimistic, but also not defeated (yet).  My feelings have been flip flopping. One minute I am super excited and hopeful and the next due to the lack of symptoms I get nervous. Honestly, I feel kind of....... meh.  In a way, I want to get the beta ASAP so I can just find out what the result is.  On the other hand, I don't really want to know.

It has been so hard because I have experienced "embryo quality comparison" with everyone else's. It seems so many have at least gotten 1 embryo with an A letter and I did not. The picture we received of our babies ( Embabies)  also to me looks like they are still not expanded and still frozen. It sucks we didn't get any grade A embryos but I am very thankful for the ones we did get.

Grades were as follows:

1 4BB - transferred 5/20

1 4BC -frozen

1 3BB-trasferred 5/20

2 3BB-frozen

1 5CC- frozen ( this one was frozen on day 6)

The Facebook clinic support group has ladies that have had their lower grade embryos have turned out to be wonderful babies.  And sometimes even their best quality PGS/PGD tested embryos did not result in babies.  So I guess, I should not give up and remain positive.

6dp5dt-FET Nothing to Report

Quick Update-

I feel just about the same, nothing really to report. I am doing my best not to loose my faith in this cycle and it is hard. Everything I am feeling in my stomach is still all gas. I have a huge bruise due to the Lovenox. I was doing so well without them but I did the injection yesterday in a rush and put on my tight pants ( they use to be loose). The bruise is at the site where the waist was pulling at the injection site. It is terrible but I put ice on it and hopefully it will resolve soon. Typically if I do it slowly and wear loose fitting clothing no issues...so one huge purple bruise is currently my new beauty mark.

If you are not aware Lovenox (enoxaparin) is an anticoagulant that helps prevent the formation of blood clots. Lovenox is used to treat or prevent a type of blood clot called deep vein thrombosis (DVT), which can lead to blood clots in the lungs (pulmonary embolism).

Since I did a freeze-all cycle my Doctor recommended Intralipids and a blood thinner with my FET. I am all for doing anything that might help. Really I think one lesson I have embraced is get serious early and give it your all because you don't know what is next around the infertility bend.

Anyway I think my nipples were sore off and on but I may be imagining those things...same thing with the twinges I think I am feeling.
I cramped day 1-3 after transfer in 2013 and it was a big fat negative. I would prefer no cramps actually so not feeling them is fine with me.

The one time I was pregnant...... I felt incredibly bloated and peed every hour.....not this time so of course my mind goes negative.

I am not sure if I want to test Sunday or Monday, the torture is bad, seeing negative is bad, waiting to hear the answer sucks too... What can I say? Infertility Seriously Sucks.

5dp5dt FET

I did something stupid. I tested......it was negative and for a split second or two I was gutted.
I quickly tossed the stupid test in the trash and told myself I am still pregnant and nothing will say otherwise than the blood test. It definitely was not good seeing it. I used a test strip one of TTC ladies sent me when I bought Gonal-F. It is a UK brand but it didn't say how low it would pick up HCG. Anyway it was also 3rd morning urine or 4th I get up all night long to pee but regardless I don't think I will test again........well maybe..... unless I do it day before or day of beta.

On another note I saw my results from my lab work done yesterday on the patient portal, no calls from the nurses.

• My TSH was .47 on 5/20th and 1.27 on 5/24/17
• E2 was 167 5/20th and 678 on 5/24/2017
• Progesterone was 17.5 5/20th before transfer and 67.50

On the home front things are great, me and hubby apologized to each other and are back to our happy self. I have forgiven his harsh words or have I? No I think I need a Coach purse or something. Just kidding we are barely getting things in order plus I have a balance on the credit card that I barely made a dent on an apology expensive purse won't do it. A positive beta and my baby/babies will do though. He is human and he is under just as much stress and pressure, I suppose we women tend to own this journey and forget the men sometimes have feelings too. Anyway onward and upward on this ride. Prayerfully waiting for a positive line.

4dp5dt & a Toll on my Marriage

 

Yesterday was 3dp5dt and I have to say I didn't feel anything. At first I thought perhaps I was feeling cramps but no it's ahem..... TMI coming......... gas. I am still trying my hardest to be and remain positive and spent the day trying to focus on work and listen to meditation while working. I was able to squeeze in acupuncture at the end of the day and while there I had an epiphany about the number 6. A few years ago I had a dream that 6 kids were following me and my husband. I couldn't quite say where we were but walking in a downtown area with cobblestone streets.....they followed us all the way home and got in bed. 4 boys on one side & 2 girls on the other ( a variety of ages if I were to guess from 4-6). I said "who are you and why are you following us" and here and one of the boys said "because you are my mom silly". I woke up instantly told him and he didn't really have much to say but just stared at me blankly. LOL So while on the acupuncture table the number 6 jumped out at me and I said in the darkness alone with the needles in my body "holy shit..... I had 6 frozen embryos. I transferred 2 and 4 left on ice. My six kids.....my six." I was breathing heavy and just freaking out slightly that I didn't not even realize the relation before. How freaking crazy is that ?

On another note I went in for blood work today to check my progesterone level and in my rush to get out the door as well as being hurt from the argument ( see below) I forgot to insert the Endometrin. I plan to drive home and get it in around noon for lunch but still....oh why oh why did I do this. Which reminds me let me take the prednisone. I have been cheating and injecting a higher level of PIO ( progesterone in oil) so I am good for a few hours but I should be more careful.

Infertility & Marriage - I wasn't sure I was going to even blog about this....but I want to look back and remember this, even if it is darkness. At a time that I need my husband the most, a stupid argument caused him to say some very harsh things including him not caring, etc. Writing them would only make me angry again so I won't even go into details. I am not sure I can forgive him but I know I need to for me not for him. The hubs and I had an argument which started in bed the night before and went on to today.

Today he just about let out a huge frustrating exhale, laced with a barrage of insults and complete with him saying he does not caring about this cycle or our marriage. I know in the heat of an argument all bets are off but while I can forgive I will NEVER forget the words he said.....never. So much so I am sitting here contemplating on 4dp5dt to separate from him. The argument was over something so stupid but he took it such an unforgivable level that I will never look at him the same.....not ever. It has changed my thinking but I am still holding out hope for this cycle...even if it I am doing it alone. I will do my own PIO shots as much as I am terrified to do so I will figure it out and not ask for his help. I feel completely removed from this man. Surprisingly I am not sitting here falling apart about the argument, I feel the opposite. Perhaps he needed to get some things off his chest and perhaps there needs to be changes in our life whether it is apart or together anyway onward and upward. I rebuke the enemy from my home, welcome in Jesus and ask God to fill our hearts with love, peace and forgiveness.

 

2p5dt FET

No symptoms but super gassy, besides I wouldn't be able to decipher if I  had symptoms since I am taking Estrace & Progesterone daily. After researching Google which I shouldn't many people felt cramps starting day 1....I feel nothing but gas. I need to stay away from Google as much as I can or else It will make me crazy.

Am I worried? Yes. As much as I wish I could just not think about it, I am. The good news I was able to squeeze in acupuncture tomorrow which was recommended. Apparently it "may" help with blood flow or implantation if you do it immediately before and then after transfer, & then between days 3-5 after embryo transfer. So here is another $80 being thrown at this cycle come tomorrow. Sigh....

Currently at my desk with socks on. It is super cold in here but warm feet means warm uterus

FET Week & Transfer Recap

Long Post

 

I am back...let's see if I can recap as best as I can.

Last Week on 5/15 I started Lovenox twice per day,  PIO shots,  as well as I was taking Estrace Vaginally, & added Endometrin twice per day ( I really hate them) with a mix of lots of immune drugs. Let me just say here I have no immune issues that I am aware , but the R/E is trying to up my chances of success for this FET. The rest of the week was kind of boring...I can feel the bloat since I added the shots & the Lovenox burns like a beast.

Anyway finally Friday 5/19th rolls around and I hit the road at 4:00 am to the airport.
I get to Albany at 10, checked in the hotel and leisurely walked the Mall. I bought the below book & also a baby outfit at Macys. More about the outfit shortly.

This is the book I purchased
Living Courageously: You Can Face Anything, Just Do It Afraid
by Joyce Meyer

It is absolutely fitting considering how I was feeling at the time. As I was walking through the mall I had this overwhelming feeling to get an item for my child. See there...I am speaking boldly. So I got a newborn outfit brought it back to the room and prayed. I woke up the morning of transfer and prayed so hard. I know I have no control and there is nothing I can do to help it along but it felt good to just release it all to God.

So 5/20/17 Transfer Day.  I am up at 2:00 am reading and praying, not quite nervous but still anxious. I watched Netflix and fell asleep again around 4:30 and then up at 5:45 ish. I slowly start getting ready, had a pastry and took my pills. I hopped in the rental car and off I went to the clinic. I travelled alone due to the expense. While I would have loved to have hubby with me,  he couldn't make it but he called while I was heading there and got there.  He asked me did I pray which I confirm he said a quick prayer over me. Anyway I got to the clinic at 7:45 ( they were expecting me at 8:30) yeah I was ready. I changed into my spa robe...I have pics  I "might" upload later. I sat in the  cozy waiting area complete with the fireplace for the pre-transfer. Acupunture was amazing and the room was so tranquil...it was like a spa day not egg transfer. I was escorted down stairs to transfer which was great except the needle pokes for bloodwork and I did the Intralipid Infusion. I received pics of our embryos, grades 4BB and 3BB. I peed before transfer......couldn't hold it then laid on the table for 45 minutes after due to the infusion. I basically ran to pee after, the nurse gave me my PIO shot, I went back upstairs for after transfer acupuncture and then I left.

I felt so relaxed and at peace...it felt right and wonderful. As I was leaving a got a quick pic of the sign and then I drove off. I stopped and got the customary fries from McDonalds. It is a thing with the TTC community...you get hot fries after transfer for good luck. Anyway I went back to the room and rested for most of the day. Around 6:30 I was hungry so I went to get Chipotles. I wanted dessert so I ordered room service..... and freaked myself out. I lifted the heavy tray. I am still not sure why I even did that, I could have let them in and have it dropped off but no I wasn't thinking. I freaked out and prayed but then realized most people that get pregnant have no idea...I know what I did so I naturally am nuts...am sure the tray wasn't more than the 10 pound limit..it was a slice od cheesecake and ice cream.
In between this I was speaking with Hubby, Reading, Walking around the room, Laying down, Watching TV to kill time. I fell in and out of sleep and then yesterday got up for the airport.

At the airport I had to bend, lift the bag ( am sure it was 10-15 pounds or less) for TSA, went through  the scanner ( the doctor said it was ok) put the bag in  the overhead compartment, take it down when landed and lift it in my parked car. I finally got home, kissed my hubby and enjoyed the rest of the day.......he did the cutest thing. He rubbed my stomach and said " My pregnant wife".

The joy I felt hearing those words are indescribable as well as the fear of disappointing him that came with it. For now I am focusing on the positives & that right now I am PUPO ( Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise)  and PASP ( Pregnant and Staying Pregnant).

5 More Days to FET Counting Down .........

I am at 5 days until my frozen embryo transfer.  I feel weird, or is that nervous,  not really sure what I feel to be hones but I don't feel fear mostly just a little  anxiousness.

Anyway, all these damn pills I'm popping are getting on my nerves.  I have to highlight my list to make sure I'm taking everything at the right time, on the right day. I went to a wedding this weekend so everything was pretty much taken/done late.  Today I get to add in more to the madness & also am waiting to hear back from the nurse since I couldn't start Lovenox as prescribed on 5/12.

I have never taken Lovenox before but I it is a blood thinner that will sting and sucks according to the IVF community. I am not looking forward to it but at least I am glad I know what to expect, yay me.

Tonight I add in the progesterone suppositories and the shots in oil. I have no plans to stay on the suppositories too long. I would prefer a jab than anything  up my lady parts.

All that's left on my list now are acupuncture and telling my Boss I need Friday off, actually I think I will just take another sick day. I fly out pretty early to Albany and return Sunday afternoon.

One good thing on this journey to debt is I used my Chase Sapphire to pay for the IVF cost which incurred me points to in turn pay for the travel for FET. Pretty sweet right?

Trucking Along with the Kitchen Sink

Ok so maybe not, but holy crap they are adding in a lot for this FET.

Some I had to decline since insurance did not cover and I cannot add anymore dings to my credit card.

So I am adding Lovenox, more Prednisone, Intralipids, and will sadly have to decline the Nuepogen,

the doctor thinks my issue is also immune related and I wish I could afford it but at $350 per vial and I will need alot so unfortunately no.

Even though I have had normal tests thus far it wouldn't hurt I suppose. I am feeling sluggish and tired being on Estrace, I can't wait to get off.

On the plus side today was my CD 11 check & my lining is perfect at 10.9 mm "Trilmainar".
.

FET is in full swing

I have been missing in action on here lately, I’ve not really felt like blogging.  there really isn't much reason for it.  I suppose I don't have much to say.

In the meantime I thought I’d share my timeline of my medicated FET for documentation purposes as well as if it may help someone else.

1. 5/2 Aunt Flo ( Aunt Flo) arrived
2. 5/4 Baselines were done, the local R/E is concerned I am cycling so soon since my ovaries were still huge. She was kind enough to swing the screen around to show me just how huge....yikes. Empty sacs of where my follies were.
3. 5/5 Orders were given as follow -1 Estrace pill vaginally at bedtime ( gross), 1 LDN, 2 Prednisones per day 1 in the am with breakfast and the other at bedtime with the LDN. I'm also taking the usual prenatal and baby aspirin, along with my Vitamin D and folate and oh yeah I take ubiquinol in the daytime…roughly 400 mg per day. How could I forget that I am also taking a zpack (antibiotics for the next 5 days)  there will be more as time progress and the week leading to the transfer. Just call me a walking pharmacy shall we?.  It's official. I'm a pill popper. I go back on 5/12 for baseline check to see if my lining has thickened and then we move forward the following week for transfer is I get the thumbs up.

**So I forgot to take the z-pack on Friday or Saturday, filled the prescription Monday and missed Monday and Tuesday. What the shit is wrong with me. LOL. On the plus side it's antibiotics and I will start them again today and stay consistent.........I hope. 

I truly just want to be done with the infertility phase, I have been here too long. 13 years long and I am ready to cross over.  I was with the girls from the mini ivf forum ( 2011-2012 with New Hope Fertility)and they have all mostly gone on to be moms 3-4 years ago. Not to mention any other forum I may have lurked/joined. I am happy that they crossed and just hoping I can cross too, sick of this blog being about "if ", "when" I get pregnant or "will"I. Does that make sense? I hate looking from this side of the fence. I want to be on the other side damn it. Let me whine about pregnancy symptoms, or stretching or talking about being afraid of birth or maternity clothes….I'm tired of this being like the only thing I have to talk about. I want to talk about my child, and what we did that day, and all that other stuff people are telling me about their kids. My friend just had twins.... I am happy for her, truly happy. She did IUI and it worked and I am over the moon for her but yes my thoughts go to why not me?.  I am praying this cycle works and that I get my take home baby. Sick of being nervous, sick of worrying, sick of spending money, sick of the medications but I will gladly do it all over again for our take home baby

 

Egg Retrieval & Week In Review

 

This is my attempt to recap the entire week to catch up on my blogging.

 

• April 24th did final level checks with local R/E and sent them over to the clinic.I received instructions to go one more night of stims 300iu gonal F and 75 menopur.

• April 25th did Cetrotide and got on a early flight with hubby to Albany. The weather was lovely and we spent it downtown at the Museum, and then the mall. Awesome day. Did first trigger at 9 pm Lupon. Hubby had a hot dream and lets just say remember he is suppose to abstain to get the best sample for IVF yeah well that didn't happen.... oh well.
• April 26th got up early took hubby to the clinic to leave his  sample ( unfortunately he had to leave so we had to freeze his boys for 1 day at a $50 charge) grrr wasn't expecting that especially since I was told there would not be a charge. It wasn't a big deal but conflicting. That wasn't the ticker, the ticker was they didn't have me on the schedule for ER the very next day.... WTH.?? They quickly had that squared away but I wasn't happy. Anyway he gave me my second trigger in the parking lot at the airport at 9:00 am. I went to the mall after dropping him off...
• April 27th Egg retrieval day and surprisingly I was not nervous. I had a rental car and drove myself. Nurse Kimmie  was super sweet & stayed with me as much as she could since I was alone.......we had no choice hubby HAD to go home and the plan was to trigger Monday and this done on Wednesday so the whole process was off a day. With IVF this is to be expected. Anyway I had to leave my car at the clinic and was told to get it 24 hours. I did not follow orders I was back at 7 to get it. Honestly I felt fine for the most part, there was bloating but not too much. Slept, watched TV, went to get something to eat and vegged at the Hotel. No pain, just bloated and gassy.  They got 16 eggs way less than I did 3 years ago but ok I will take it.

 

 

• April 28th missing hubby and ready to get home and be in my own bed. Spent the day walking the malls did a little shopping. Had Thai food delivered and I was not impressed....not at all. I had to call to check on fertilization.......I am getting annoyed anyway of the 16 retrieved 11 fertilized no word on the other 5. 

• April 29th was so ready to get on the plane, we got in early but was stuck on the plane for 30 minutes.  So happy to be home and be with hubby. Missed him so much and he had soup waiting for me since I am feeling like I am catching a bug or something. No word from the clinic and nothing in the portal.
• April 30th- Uneventful Sunday, stayed home all day and watched Netflix with hubby. Loved every minute of it.

Now for today, again I had to call for an update & was told they didn't have one for day 3. I. AM. GETTING. REALLY. ANNOYED. with this clinic. It is not the end of the world in the grand scheme of things but I was expecting more information and to be called not for me to chase information. The tidbit I was told is that they have a note to check on day 5. I am going to remain calm and just let it go. But I will definitely contact the owner and let him know. This is unacceptable even the clinic I won the free cycle at least kept me in the loop on the embryo status. What if they needed to freeze a few on day 3, what if something happens. What the heck is happening & then told I should call in the morning to check....what? this isn't free I am paying for this and expect better service. Okay it is out of my control....nothing I can do but I will contact the owner...I have to voice my concerns. I will wait until I am much calmer and in a better mood.

 

Chanting ( Serenity Now, Serenity Now, Serenity Now)