BALL & CHAINS...smelling the roses for a minute

WEDDING PLANNING,

Ok smelling the roses really quick and talking about wedding planning.

I am a great event planner thats what I do and I love it. It is mainly a hobby and side business that needs to be cultivated in order to grow, but one of my favorite passtimes. I have done countless events (baby parties, bachelorette parties, baby showers, birthdays, and now planning my very own wedding. (Squeal) I am so happy.....I probably will do my own baby shower (fingers crossed right) and hurt my friends feelings. I did my own 30th Bday bash.....its not that I dont trust their judgement is that I cannot loose control and I KNOW what I love so why not do it.......this wedding will be on a budget....a tight one...but it will be fun no less....

Saw these wonderful ideas by some creative minds and wanted to share...

A LONG WINDING ROAD......hhhmmmmm

FET UPDATE
So my CD 3 results were great and so I have to go back on CD 9 to do more, from there I will know if I will be taking Estradiol and ultimately guage when I will ovulate or close to it. My nerves are ok but I am having those crazy baby dreams again. I am trying my best to remain as calm as possible and doing an okay job of it so far.

CD is 1/9th here I come...
Me and DH went out to McCormick and Schmick for dinner last night, he is a little under the weather but we had a good time...it was really romantic. It would break my heart if this doesnt work because I would be hurt more so for his feelings...he believes in this so much and I do too but he just wont have any other 'What If" thoughts.....this journey is such has been such a long winding road, on our way home from our date he ran into a friend she was very pregnant on her 2nd and he greeted her and they bantered....He so wants to see me in that state..to have our child grow within my womb. I have spent countless days/nights praying for this miracle. I came across Mathew 6 vs. 7 "But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking." It stopped me dead in my tracks because I have been praying the same prayers but now I won't.

I leave with you a few verses, if you are not religious I understand but at least read it, it wouldnt hurt.

In Matthew 17:20 Jesus reiterates that same message:

For truly, I say to you, if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.

I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.
A prayer to offer
Oh lord, my heavenly father I pray that you will answer my request for a child, please touch & bless us both me & my husband together with a healthy child. I believe you will bless us soon - In Jesus name I pray. Amen

2012 IS HERE AND SO IS AUNT FLOW

CD 1 OF AUNT FLOW WAS JANUARY 1 AT NOON,  Thats right she decided to ring in the New Year and was fashinably late, I am excited and DH is even happier. We are ready to get back in the swing of things and complete the journey. So from my understanding and depending on if all works out ET is typically done on Day 19th. If it all works out we fly in Jan 18th do the transfer on 1/19th and then fly back with our friend the next day. I will send my prayers to God for a smooth cycle this month.

 

While browsing online I came across a fertility prayer and wanted to share

The Fertility Blessing

You know my deep desire for a child
A little one to love and to hold, to care for,
to cherish. Grant that my body may conceive
and give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby in
Your holy image.

Guide me in all my choices so that this
conception, my pregnancy and my baby's birth
are in line with Your will.

Heavenly Father and Holy Mother,
hear this prayer of my heart, mind and spirit.

Amen.

HIGHLIGHT OF THIS WEEK:  that would be to do my CD 3 monitoring because I am so happy that Aunt Flo is finally here...

 

 

Wedding Planning

So I had mentioned that I have been trying to plan our wedding,  on 12/31 I went to my first Dress fitting at David's Bridal, I hated everything I tried on and became discouraged, I am on my getting me back diet program and still have a long way to go but not seeing myself the way I was a year ago was hard. Extreme weightloss affects your cycle/ reproductive system or I swear  would have gone and gotten some diet aids from my doctor....but then the thought hit me....I WANT a baby and that is my TOP priority and after baby I can work on me again in the meantime I will do what I started to cut down on carbs, try to walk aleast 3 times a week and eat less fried foods, with mainly salads or wraps for lunch. It's the little things that can make all the difference.....and I need my body healthy for the ET. I want to have a welcoming home for my baby...I cannot wait...

The good thing is that I am a planner so I know I will keep my mind busy and not be too overly stressed through this FET. I have faith in my God and he will see us through these changes...

 

HE PROPOSED.........................I FEEL SO BLESSED

ARE YOU CONFUSED BY THE TITLE? I BET SINCE I HAVE ALREADY BEEN REFERRING TO HIM AS DH-Dear Heart and not Dear Husband.....

On 12/13/2011 just before bedtime he surprised me, he proposed to me...I am too excited to add more, too excited to worry about FET, its perfect, so I wont obsess about the ET, I will be thinking of wedding bells. LOL

A HOP, SKIP, AND JUMP ITS THE MIDDLE OF DECEMBER....ALMOST

It's only a HOP, SKIP and a JUMP and the middle of DECEMBER FAST APPROACHES......

So I have been posting only weekly since I am not cycling just yet, when I am back doing that around the end of this month then I will post updates, issues, etc.

Currently though I feel so good, so relaxed and enjoying my time with family, friend, and everyone in between. IF is a lonely journey when you are doing it alone, we opted to do it this way to protect our hearts in the event we need to and also not to hear judgmental comments from close friends. We know they will be probably well meant but this is just so personal for us that we wanted to do it this way.

I have shared it with only my bestie that lives out of town and she can relate as she will be going down this ruote as soon as she medically can. I use this BLOG more as a journal, so that if someone else come across its contents they can either relate or know what they may go through while waiting for sFET.

"ME":Ok so I havent lost anymore than the 5 pounds, I havent checked but I dont think I have...I have been shopping which is bad but I enjoy getting girly again...its been so long since my focus shifted..

OBSESSION of the Week: Baby....yeah its obvious but I have been having fantasies, baby dreams, you name it...I just pray we get our wish for January..



HAPPINESS.. WHAT IT MEANS...

I have to really say that I feel really happy inside but still there are outside influences that threaten to break my spirit, namely WORK but I NEVER go into details.

FET JOURNEY: So Many ladies that have started the IVF process after me are pregnant or gettting ready to transfer and at first, I was feeling a little "left behind" but I quickly pushed those feelings aside and now all I feel is JOY for them. I feel happy when I see that it worked for them and sad when it doesn't because after all, we all are facing the same issues, we are INFERTILES and whats worse? We are STILL INFERTILES even if we get a BFP and have a baby so the struggle never ends for us. I dont feel sorry for myself anymore about being IF, it won't do any good. I send my praises to GOD and I ask that I am in his grace to bless me with my very own child. I await my blessing and take every delay now....instead of with sadness...I take it with happiness. I am exceedingly happy to NOT be poked with needles and not taking medication. But I walk this journey still, I am smelling the roses on the way and loving life.

"ME" Journey: I feel basically normal again, no meds, no pokes with needles, I feel free. I have dropped the 5 pounds I gained again after Thanksgiving and I have 10 more to go. I did a liquid diet for 5 days, it was extremely hard but it did help me feel loose in my clothes and it showed me I can do anything. This week I am still not taking in rice, break or pasta but will be mindful of what I eat. I cannot stress how good I feel.

OBSESSION of the Week: Happiness

I came across this musing and wanted to share it on here...

It is difficult to define happiness and contentment. Essentially , one' happiness is in one's own hands . There is a saying ' The mind is its own place an can make a hell or a heaven ' - so very true..Happiness is afterall a state of mind which has nothing to do with only material  possessions. I notice that no matter what we possess, we are still not happy with what we have. Wealth makes one happy to a certain extent, and,  when one is in love there is happiness and contentment within you before other things take over. Yet ,at the same time I have seen some of the most ordinary people leading very contented and peaceful lives with the barest of  essentials. One may say that they lack ambition, but,  at the end of the day, I feel what is more important is to look back on your life and remember the past  with a smile . 
One can then safely say that once we come to terms with our life and adjust accordingly things are bound to look up. It is not really essential to have a lot of money or wealth or other material things to make one happy in life. However there are a few requirements that are essential to make us happy and inner peace comes when all these requirements are met with. Health according to me  is of primary importance without which we can never be happy..

Happiness also is all about one's attitude towards life, and how best we are able to handle it. No doubt that money and wealth has a great part to play in our lives and in making us happy and comfortable . But there are other necessities as well that are essential. Happiness largely lies with ourselves and how we look at life and our priorities. Inner Peace and happiness go together, and we keep searching for it all our lives.

It is simpler things in life that give us immense happiness and contentment . Inner peace and love for others makes our life worth living. One is happiest when there is something to look forward to in life and there is a general feeling of contentment . Happiness comes with a combination of many things. Money is of course necessary, but , so are other things like human values and relationships.

We cannot be happy all the time since we all face pressures of some kind or the other, but,  when  one is determined to overcome all these adversities, and be positive , one is able to be happy and content most of the times . Being Positive is one of the most essential ingredient for happiness ..

BETTER SPIRITS TODAY, FET for JANUARY 2012

Today I am in MUCH better spirits, better than yesterday. I am dealing with some internal work related stresses but I wont talk about them in my blog, they dont even deserve it.......oh why oh why cant I hit the lottery or convince DH to move somewhere else.............wait we both LOVE  South Florida.

OBSESSION OF THE WEEK: I have been on a liquid diet for 3 days, no not ordered to but my BFF has to be on it for a month so I thought I would do it for a week to empathize with her.......what I have noticed : I AM HUNGRY.........OMG how in the hell will she do this for a whole month...I am dying here...I was so pathetic last night I ate some icing from a cake just so I can have energy. LOL....When you re sick it is easy to not want to eat but when you are a healthy woman that has daily stress you deserve to indulge here and there...

ME: Okay so the quest in getting me back kind of is on hold...Thanksgiving ruined it, its not that I ate too much but I KEPT eating....I find myself eating when I am happy, sad, mad or glad so I had to get to the bottom of this, why in the world would someone gain......gulp....20 pounds in 11 months... (sshhh) this is embarrassing to even type..Then I realized what has been the major change... SEX. I had the aha moment last night, January to June gained 5 pounds no worries. Went to Clinic to start the IVF process in August and he mentioned something about working out throwing off schedule so I stopped walking/jogging cold turkey plus the med, eating, and the low activity wow and going through the phases kind of put sex life on hold. DH has been very careful and thought he would somehow cause an issue, so we arent as ACTIVE.

TMI WARNING read at your own risk LOL-but I plan to have a whole lot of fun when I have healed. I havent done anything romantic, worn sexy lingerie or anything. I am thinking of doing a sexy boudouir photo shoot yep extra pounds and all for DH. I will have to summon all of my courage to do that because truth be told I am not comfortable in my skin right now...well not 100%. my DIVA mode is on warm right now and I need to get it back to HOT...We might as well have all this fun now before the FET in January.

FET DELAYED..................AGAIN.!!!!!!!

Just like the title reads, YEP I have to wait for another cycle..I decided last night to definitely take a step away from the threads I have been apart of. They are super helpful and wonderful ladies but since I am not cycling with them it's almost like I cannot relate

So here's What Happened-Yesterday I was not in a good place, I got the call from the Clinic and it wasnt really bad but to sum it up, there will be NO transfer for December. I have to wait for another cycle so ET wont be until January. I felt so discouraged not sure why I took the blow so hard, it was mutually agreed upon, I mean I thought I had in my head that we would definitely be a go for December not sure and to make matters worse another girl that seem to have the same experience... ( only 1 blast and had a delay after HYST for ET )did say they would wait a cycle after the HYST. He did give me the option he said you can do more Bloodwork & Sono in 10 days and do the ET but I think its best you let your uterus heal some more, since you are on your cycle and follies are growing. So I chose to not check again in 10 days and force the issue but rather to wait another cycle. I was sad because it feels like it is taking forever for us but as my DH said we have to realize that they want this to work and we have to go with what they think is right. I didnt want to hear reason and I yelled at DH telling him he didnt understand and he retorted I want this more than anything (broke my heart to pieces thinking how selfish I was, thinking I was the only one anxious)...BUT after praying, I am much better and in better spirits about the whole thing now...So in their words, I will take a month off and heal. I am looking forward to the holidays and loosing a few pounds..Just waiting for the call on the bisopsy from the Hysteroscopy though, he didnt have the results yet....but I will hold on to no news is good news at the moment.

AF IS KILLING ME AND DID BLOOD WORK TODAY

THIS WILL BE SHORT UNTIL I UPDATE LATER...

10:57 AM

WELL when I thought AF was here on tuesday it wasnt, it was still spotting from the Hysteroscopy but the tramp showed up on saturday 11/26th and let me tell you, it is heavy and the cramps are crazy. NORMALLY I only cramp on Day 1 but she isnt playing nice this time around. I put on a brave face with DH yesterday both at Church and also when we went to his BFF's house for dinner. She might have thought I was mad at her or didnt like the cooking but the pains I was feeling through my forced smiles.. LOL.

FET: Okay so I did Bloodwork & Ultrasound this morning at 8:20 AM , now I wait until the call to tell me where do I go from here and then I can post the obsession of the week.

AF ARE YOU REALLY HERE......

FET THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:
Uuuhhhhhmmmmmmmm   so I spotted only the day of the Hysteroscopy and thought hey thats good, but guess who decided to drag her lazy you know what here......  you guessed it......AF

So I am NOT amused nor will I call the clinic and let them know......not that they cant figure it with Bloodwork but just not going to do anything but bleed for now.....sorry to be so graphic but thats what I'll do..  BASELINE TESTS are Monday 11/28th, they can figure it out right?  LOL...

Things I am proud of...

I am proud of my self for NOT overly stressing, not overly using Dr. Google, and not obsessing....well not too much on threads....I do check on the girls and offer support but it is no longer an obsession, well not really. I am not going to spend $300 on Black Friday but maybe $100, I have to save, save, save no unneccessary spending, even for adorable shoes.... (sniffle)...I am allowed to relapse though... 

Things I am NOT proud of...

• I said I only gained 10 pounds well to be honest I gained 15 pounds since January but the Journey started June so technically I didnt lie...I gained 5 pounds prior to the start....
• I find myself eating out of control, whether good news, sad news, worrying news you name it...
• The pounds I lost are  back because as I drew closer to the HYSTEROSCOPY 11/17 & no AF I started to freak and gave up on my "ME" journey and stress ate a whole lot but its okay, I forgive myself my closet however is not so forgiving and I refuse to buy new clothes...UNLESS I am preggers so I will continue to squeeze into my clothes and loose weak gradually...not making it easier for myself.  ME Jorney is back on track...

SOLUTIONS...

So I wont obsess over it but beginning today I am cutting calories, and eating smart again....the cheesecake in the refrigerator will go to my mom's on thanksgiving...the other cake I will have to finish....its not right to not finish something you start.....well thats my rational.......I wont say I will start walking again to set myself up for failure so I will say I will become ACTIVE again, doesnt matter what I do, it could be Stretching, Walking, Yoga, Laundry, Changing the room around....anything that doesnt involve me not in motion when I get home from work...

OBSESSION OF THE WEEK:

OF Course you know that it is Thanksgiving so that is the Obsession this week.....no work for a day, spending time with famiy, friends, and realizing it is almost the end of the year.... I havent been looking too much on baby items or maternity clothes....I have been weening myself from that stuff....but I did come across this a few weeks ago and forgot to add it so I will now... PACK N PLAY FOR TWINS...I thought it was awesome...yeah I only have my lone embryo BUT it could split....it could be identical twins, it could stick to my uterus, it could bring our healthy baby/babies.....it could....My God it could and I pray that it will.....with all of my heart I pray.



HYST DONE....MOVING ON WITH FET.......I think

FET chapter: So AF never came....but thankfully it didnt change plans and I did the Hysteroscopy & Light D/C procedure on 11/17th. BOY did it freaking hurt when I woke up but it wasnt too bad after more pain meds... I am sooooooooooo happy that is now all behind me.. and I remember being told they did remove some polyps which could impact implantation of my embryo....Woo Hoo the show is back on the road and it is officially CD 2, I go for Bloodwork & Sonogram 11/25th, here's hoping for some good news so I can do my FET on or around 12/5th or so.....YAY..
Here's to praying and hoping that all is well inside with Hormones and Lining...so much is riding on my lone embie. So onward and Upward with plans and lets hope it all goes well....I truly want this transfer to happer on 2011....but whenever my body is ready is OK with me...

OBSESSION OF THE WEEK: RIDING BOOTS...I KNOW THIS IS TOTALLY UNBABY RELATED BUT I AM IN LOVE WITH THESE BOOTS.