Rambling

There are days that I struggle an identity crisis.

The transitioning from "infertile woman" to "mother-to-be" & now "New Mom" is still all too real and new for me. When I was in the hospital and the nurse referred to me as "MOM" I was completely blank and didn't realize she was speaking to me.

Looking back at the process & that It actually happened. The cycle was successful, and I was pregnant for 39 weeks. HOLY WOW !! ( the exclamations are warranted here)

Me, yes me, I have a child. I am not sure I fit into the world of the "infertile" anymore,  but I certainly do  not  fit into the world of people who conceive easily. I feel guilty especially when I go on into the Facebook groups and still see people waiting, I want them to experience the joy I am now.  Literally hundreds of women are going this daily, why is this such a norm in this era.

Lately I have been chubbing up like crazy. I know that it is absolutely ridiculous to gain weight especially since I am flirting with my 40's. It's time to do better. Starting 6/4 I am not only going to change my eating habits I plan to work out twice per day. I have to start incredibly slow because I have lost not just motivation but all muscle tone....it's time to get me back....

Part III - The Finale

**I am going to just summarize this to make it as short & sweet as possible**

So after days of throwing up, seeing many specialists, not being to hold my daughter because I was sick, finally on the 5th day in the hospital they decided they will do surgery and remove my Gall bladder.

I found out in passing from a very sweet but very persistent nurse that surgery was scheduled. She called and called them on my behalf and told them I am in  pain and they need to make a decision. So after 5 days in the hospital, I started to feel slightly better. My friends, sister and hubby's friend came to see the baby and the nurse came in around 5 or 6 pm to tell me she is leaving for the day and that my surgery will be the next day. Wait what? She said "Didn't they call you?"

So surgery was scheduled the next day, just when I was starting to feel better but I decided to do it anyway. So it's Saturday & my daughter was discharged days before ( they allowed her to stay with me), & hubby had to take her to her 1st prenatal appointment alone, without me. I laid in that hospital bed and cried. I walked with him to the elevators and watch him leave with our sweet bundle of joy.
It was so surreal. I am a mother.

The nurse came in and told me to pack up because I would more than likely than return to the post partum room. Eventually they came to get me and I was wheeled away, alone to deal with this.

The operating room had a great team that not only put me at ease but were playing some Latin tunes and I was getting settled. When I woke up I was in excruciating pain............AGAIN, "shit when will this stop."
I was wheeled to another wing of the hospital and in pain. I begged & thankfully finally received pain killers. I wanted to know about my daughter and was told that she was in the NICU under the lights for high jaundice....wait what? Okay at this point I wanted out, pain and all. Hours went by and my family came, also visitors from the church I use to frequent, the pain was still high but started to subside. I have to add during all of this I kept buzzing the nurses asking when I would go home.
After hours of IV & medication for High Blood Pressure, low potassium and iron( this happened last 2 weeks of pregnancy and after delivery) I was given discharged that Sunday 2/4th at 6:00 pm. I was so happy to leave I left in the hospital robes...I did not want to change ( I had showered maybe 2 hours before being told so I was clean and ready to go).

So off  I was to the NICU with hubby in tow, ok I was wheeled and it was humiliating but truth be told I was still weak from surgery the day before not being able to eat....I may have fibbed to the nurse and said I ate more than I did so I could leave. The doctor was right not only was I feeling better I could finally eat something ( I was terrified of food for days even water was the enemy).

Did I mention I did not eat for days and lost perhaps I don't know 25 pounds or more. So anyway I get to the NICU and I just about sprinted to find my baby. When I saw her my heart was just so over joyed...She is ours we get to take her home. She was in a private room since she just needed the lights and was already out just waiting on pick up. After getting some info from NICU we were finally on our way. I sat in the back seat of the car realizing that this is really happening, I was pregnant for 39 weeks, gave birth to my daughter baring all pain & infertility is now behind me. I have a daughter, ME....I crossed over the other side. The true journey will now begin, I have a child.

Lady B's Birth Story Part II

**Let me preface this by saying my ordeal is not quite typical as well as probably the reaction. I was induced while already experiencing pains from  being Food Poisoned after eating Chipotle 2 days prior. In the middle of this my epidural wore off so keep this in mind and if you are pregnant do not be afraid after reading. Also I am trying my best to relive the situation, please forgive any grammatical errors I will try to catch and fix along the way**

Ok so where was I?

Awww yes, so it was time to push and my response was no. How in world was I going to push through this excruciating pain and why do people prefer to do this un-medicated?

Wait, let me rephrase that, "I SALUTE you women that have gone through childbirth without medication." 1 of my superhero's would be my mother that did this 7 freaking times.

I had to do it by default, only due to the medication wearing off and no one listening to me. This is another letter that should be sent to that damn labor ward. I am still angry about it. At one point I really thought my body was against me & that I was going to for sure die because this was more pain than anyone could bare. My husband tried to have me center my thoughts, breathe that Lamaze crap and calm down but that lasted all of a second and then I was back to screaming like a lunatic.

My husband said I used a lot of colorful language he has never heard me use ever before and I cannot remember saying any of it. The pain was so bad I would have literally given away all our countries secrets if I had them. There were a sea of faces around encouraging me to push and I remember one little petite nurse that rolled up a towel and told me when I push to pull against it to help. God bless her I am not sure it helped, what I think really helped was my husband telling me come on baby her heart rate is plummeting. I looked up at that monitor and my baby's heart went from 153 now down to 63 and I pushed with all of my might and then a cone head baby appeared with no sound.
I remember asking what's wrong with my baby, the nurse and doctor did not respond. As I watch them clean her up, I still felt the doctor trying to pull stuff out and I was back to screaming and asking why does this damn hurt why not give me pain killers, it was at this moment I saw a nurse inject something in my IV and the doctor saying " You didn't give that to her before?" and I dozed off knowing that I would never, ever recommend giving birth at this hospital to anyone.

I was in and out of it. I remember seeing hubby holding her and I said "whose baby is that" and fell  asleep only to be woken up by the nurses to stand up and get changed.  Wait what? Let me move along from the labor part because I hated that side and the people, now post partum was great and I loved ALL the nurses.

Ok so I got cleaned up and was being wheeled to my room. I was not in extreme pain but hubby looked so tired. He was holding my leg and encouraging me to push and even got firm with me when I said no.

The post partum room was lovely, complete with a Queen bed for mom and dad to sleep. It was around 4 am in the morning and I was still loopy and don't even remember asking about the baby. I woke up around 6ish and the bassinet was at the foot of my bed and there she was with bright beautiful eyes staring directly at me sleeping. I thought wow, that is my baby, she is mine. I got my phone and recorded her for a minute, took her out and put her to my breast and just bonded quietly and alone for a little while. As I laid her down I felt a wave of nausea and then things took a turn for the worse.

I threw up, and threw up, and threw up and it kept happening. I rang the nurse and they called the doctor. They never stopped the IV but assumed I would have been ok since I hadn't had anything to eat in days. It went on all day ( this was Tuesday) and all through the night, by Wednesday I felt slightly better and asked hubby to help me get up to take a shower and while in there I starting throwing up again and this time blood. We both were too worried that I couldn't stop than to worry about the contents so hubby called in the doctor.

What should have been a time bonding with my baby turned into hours & days of throwing up and seeing just about every specialist in the hospital.....


Part III to follow to wrap this up.