Let me dust off the webs from this blog and give an update..
Sadly I am not here to report that I am pregnant or that we have any concrete plans set on the trying to get pregnant journey. I am here to report that 2 of my friends had babies this year, also 1 co-worker and currently 2 other close friends are pregnant. I am here to report that I am officially 35 and CHILDLESS. The fear of not being a mother at 35 is now my reality......COLD reality might I add. I am trying to come to grips with it......let's just say I was not looking forward to the milestone. I am infertile and I may not get be a mother....................................
HELL NO, I cannot accept that. I WILL be a mother, and I will not go down without a fight.ODDS be damned I will start to pay closer attention to my cycles. I have been working out since February. I still eat really bad at times but I even started waist training. Lately I have been devoting my time to other things, ANYTHING rather than to sit and think about the matter at hand which is we have no children....still...F#@K.
Yep I cursed a few times....especially since the most recent of the announcements came yesterday via a card in the mail ( from a good friend might I add that is aware of what I am dealing with). If ever a moment one would need wine...THAT WAS IT and hubby was not around to catch the groceries I threw on the floor. At this moment I am fine, I had to pray away my negative thoughts, the feeling of sadness, and depression and my current many uses of expletives.
That being said, I am very happy for her and I wish her the best. I will no doubt be there with her for the shower and anything else she needs and I have to tell myself perhaps she did not think when she sent that card. I forgive her..even if she is not aware of the hurt it caused. My friends should be able to share baby news without me wanting to fall apart or throw tantrums.
We are still being bombarded with people that continuously tell us to adopt or some that have made some negative comments to my DH about me....such as " Why would you marry her knowing these issues?"
Don't worry I have no idea which one of his bastard friends said it or if it was male or female but when I find out...... I have a few choice words for them.......really colorful ones that would make most swoon. He won't tell me for fear of my retaliation but I see that it did upset him.
Developments
DH remains my support and said that we will get back on the journey within the next 3- 4 months ( sooner if I can help it), so my job is to research the next study if one is close for free or discounted IVF, a Doctor that I think we may use and then to see if we should get a loan for a 3 try package deal with WIN Fertility. It is really expensive in Florida, if you know a reputable doctor on the east coast let me know. I may go to NYC as they seem to have more affordable packages with great pregnancy rates. Heck I may move, I have been telling DH since 2012 we should relocate to a mandated state if only to get the insurance coverage and then back to FL once we are done.... I know there are no guarantees but it beats sitting here wondering what to do next. Also I have been thinking of frozen embryo adoption, but I do not want to visit that for another year or 2 if necessary and I hope it is not but if it is....then it is.
If you are still fighting to get your BFP...don't stop and you are not alone. Keep fighting it will come...
