BETTER SPIRITS TODAY, FET for JANUARY 2012

Today I am in MUCH better spirits, better than yesterday. I am dealing with some internal work related stresses but I wont talk about them in my blog, they dont even deserve it.......oh why oh why cant I hit the lottery or convince DH to move somewhere else.............wait we both LOVE  South Florida.

OBSESSION OF THE WEEK: I have been on a liquid diet for 3 days, no not ordered to but my BFF has to be on it for a month so I thought I would do it for a week to empathize with her.......what I have noticed : I AM HUNGRY.........OMG how in the hell will she do this for a whole month...I am dying here...I was so pathetic last night I ate some icing from a cake just so I can have energy. LOL....When you re sick it is easy to not want to eat but when you are a healthy woman that has daily stress you deserve to indulge here and there...

ME: Okay so the quest in getting me back kind of is on hold...Thanksgiving ruined it, its not that I ate too much but I KEPT eating....I find myself eating when I am happy, sad, mad or glad so I had to get to the bottom of this, why in the world would someone gain......gulp....20 pounds in 11 months... (sshhh) this is embarrassing to even type..Then I realized what has been the major change... SEX. I had the aha moment last night, January to June gained 5 pounds no worries. Went to Clinic to start the IVF process in August and he mentioned something about working out throwing off schedule so I stopped walking/jogging cold turkey plus the med, eating, and the low activity wow and going through the phases kind of put sex life on hold. DH has been very careful and thought he would somehow cause an issue, so we arent as ACTIVE.

TMI WARNING read at your own risk LOL-but I plan to have a whole lot of fun when I have healed. I havent done anything romantic, worn sexy lingerie or anything. I am thinking of doing a sexy boudouir photo shoot yep extra pounds and all for DH. I will have to summon all of my courage to do that because truth be told I am not comfortable in my skin right now...well not 100%. my DIVA mode is on warm right now and I need to get it back to HOT...We might as well have all this fun now before the FET in January.

FET DELAYED..................AGAIN.!!!!!!!

Just like the title reads, YEP I have to wait for another cycle..I decided last night to definitely take a step away from the threads I have been apart of. They are super helpful and wonderful ladies but since I am not cycling with them it's almost like I cannot relate

So here's What Happened-Yesterday I was not in a good place, I got the call from the Clinic and it wasnt really bad but to sum it up, there will be NO transfer for December. I have to wait for another cycle so ET wont be until January. I felt so discouraged not sure why I took the blow so hard, it was mutually agreed upon, I mean I thought I had in my head that we would definitely be a go for December not sure and to make matters worse another girl that seem to have the same experience... ( only 1 blast and had a delay after HYST for ET )did say they would wait a cycle after the HYST. He did give me the option he said you can do more Bloodwork & Sono in 10 days and do the ET but I think its best you let your uterus heal some more, since you are on your cycle and follies are growing. So I chose to not check again in 10 days and force the issue but rather to wait another cycle. I was sad because it feels like it is taking forever for us but as my DH said we have to realize that they want this to work and we have to go with what they think is right. I didnt want to hear reason and I yelled at DH telling him he didnt understand and he retorted I want this more than anything (broke my heart to pieces thinking how selfish I was, thinking I was the only one anxious)...BUT after praying, I am much better and in better spirits about the whole thing now...So in their words, I will take a month off and heal. I am looking forward to the holidays and loosing a few pounds..Just waiting for the call on the bisopsy from the Hysteroscopy though, he didnt have the results yet....but I will hold on to no news is good news at the moment.

AF IS KILLING ME AND DID BLOOD WORK TODAY

THIS WILL BE SHORT UNTIL I UPDATE LATER...

10:57 AM

WELL when I thought AF was here on tuesday it wasnt, it was still spotting from the Hysteroscopy but the tramp showed up on saturday 11/26th and let me tell you, it is heavy and the cramps are crazy. NORMALLY I only cramp on Day 1 but she isnt playing nice this time around. I put on a brave face with DH yesterday both at Church and also when we went to his BFF's house for dinner. She might have thought I was mad at her or didnt like the cooking but the pains I was feeling through my forced smiles.. LOL.

FET: Okay so I did Bloodwork & Ultrasound this morning at 8:20 AM , now I wait until the call to tell me where do I go from here and then I can post the obsession of the week.

AF ARE YOU REALLY HERE......

FET THE JOURNEY CONTINUES:
Uuuhhhhhmmmmmmmm   so I spotted only the day of the Hysteroscopy and thought hey thats good, but guess who decided to drag her lazy you know what here......  you guessed it......AF

So I am NOT amused nor will I call the clinic and let them know......not that they cant figure it with Bloodwork but just not going to do anything but bleed for now.....sorry to be so graphic but thats what I'll do..  BASELINE TESTS are Monday 11/28th, they can figure it out right?  LOL...

Things I am proud of...

I am proud of my self for NOT overly stressing, not overly using Dr. Google, and not obsessing....well not too much on threads....I do check on the girls and offer support but it is no longer an obsession, well not really. I am not going to spend $300 on Black Friday but maybe $100, I have to save, save, save no unneccessary spending, even for adorable shoes.... (sniffle)...I am allowed to relapse though... 

Things I am NOT proud of...

• I said I only gained 10 pounds well to be honest I gained 15 pounds since January but the Journey started June so technically I didnt lie...I gained 5 pounds prior to the start....
• I find myself eating out of control, whether good news, sad news, worrying news you name it...
• The pounds I lost are  back because as I drew closer to the HYSTEROSCOPY 11/17 & no AF I started to freak and gave up on my "ME" journey and stress ate a whole lot but its okay, I forgive myself my closet however is not so forgiving and I refuse to buy new clothes...UNLESS I am preggers so I will continue to squeeze into my clothes and loose weak gradually...not making it easier for myself.  ME Jorney is back on track...

SOLUTIONS...

So I wont obsess over it but beginning today I am cutting calories, and eating smart again....the cheesecake in the refrigerator will go to my mom's on thanksgiving...the other cake I will have to finish....its not right to not finish something you start.....well thats my rational.......I wont say I will start walking again to set myself up for failure so I will say I will become ACTIVE again, doesnt matter what I do, it could be Stretching, Walking, Yoga, Laundry, Changing the room around....anything that doesnt involve me not in motion when I get home from work...

OBSESSION OF THE WEEK:

OF Course you know that it is Thanksgiving so that is the Obsession this week.....no work for a day, spending time with famiy, friends, and realizing it is almost the end of the year.... I havent been looking too much on baby items or maternity clothes....I have been weening myself from that stuff....but I did come across this a few weeks ago and forgot to add it so I will now... PACK N PLAY FOR TWINS...I thought it was awesome...yeah I only have my lone embryo BUT it could split....it could be identical twins, it could stick to my uterus, it could bring our healthy baby/babies.....it could....My God it could and I pray that it will.....with all of my heart I pray.



HYST DONE....MOVING ON WITH FET.......I think

FET chapter: So AF never came....but thankfully it didnt change plans and I did the Hysteroscopy & Light D/C procedure on 11/17th. BOY did it freaking hurt when I woke up but it wasnt too bad after more pain meds... I am sooooooooooo happy that is now all behind me.. and I remember being told they did remove some polyps which could impact implantation of my embryo....Woo Hoo the show is back on the road and it is officially CD 2, I go for Bloodwork & Sonogram 11/25th, here's hoping for some good news so I can do my FET on or around 12/5th or so.....YAY..
Here's to praying and hoping that all is well inside with Hormones and Lining...so much is riding on my lone embie. So onward and Upward with plans and lets hope it all goes well....I truly want this transfer to happer on 2011....but whenever my body is ready is OK with me...

OBSESSION OF THE WEEK: RIDING BOOTS...I KNOW THIS IS TOTALLY UNBABY RELATED BUT I AM IN LOVE WITH THESE BOOTS.

FREAKING OUT..NO AF IN SIGHT

How to rationalize this current situation......there is no way to...lets see...Mother Nature is due and NEVER came and I am totally freaking out...My Hysteroscopy Procedure is due 11/17th I am suppose to either be on my period or just coming off it...Goodness what int he world am I going to do we ALREADY bought very expensive tickets to NYC...OK...I will calm down and bloog some more later...right now I cannot even breathe...I keep running to the restroom and praying I see something....ANYTHING but nothing...

I am seriously FREAKING....

CD30 MOTHER NATURE ARE YOU ON THE WAY

LOL I found this little poem about Aunt Flow and wanted to share it

Once a month,
aunt flow comes around.
you suddenly have hunger urges,
and gain a few pounds.
aunt flow has black hair
with a few red streaks.
she is so annoying,
and can stay up to two weeks.
she has a tendency
to give you mood swings.
and you can never guess
what the next day will bring.

 

So today is CD 30 and so come on Aunt Flow make an apperance, only while going through IVF will one beg and be happy when she is around, my boobs feel slightly sore which is a good sign but I need to see her NOW. I try not to whine and complain too much about work but I think I might have to break the rule today-I HATE IT. Okay that feels good. I have to admit that I feel alittle unattached to this upcoming cycle, it is not that I dont trust GOD and what he has in store but I have completely let it go and given it to him with all  my prayers. I also am unattached because I dont know that I trust them anymore..I know that I am grateful and I will pray about these feelings but I just dont know anymore........it bugs me that I would never get a transfer without doing the Hysteroscopy but what bothers me the most is feeling like I was lied to.
Lately  my daily does of American Dad and Family Guy has been keeping me happy, amused and distracted.

ON TO FET CYCLE #2-November Bring Us Joy Please

Hi Blog World,

So last week I had a little meltdown about being cancelled due to lining issues..Everynight I am plagued with dream about baby...its driving me NUTS...

I am trying so hard to focus on so many other things but cannot. As for taking caring of "ME" am down to 5 pounds so far and counting..I am thinking 15 would be great but I have to be careful to no mess with hormones since I am waiting to start my next cycle soon. I am not expecting AF until 11/12 ish so the countdown begins.....

First I have to call the RE's office on CD 1 to schedule the Hysteroscopy procedure between CD 1-5. I think 19 days after the procedure the transfer will take place...fingers crossed but not going to drive my self too crazy this time....ok I will TRY not to drive myself crazy this time..slowly I am weening myself away from google and stories with FET or sFET.there have been many cases of twinning due to Assisted Hatching...while apart of me would just LOVE that happening to me the other part is terrified if it did...Google is great but it can also drive a sane person crazy..I do wish I could turn off my dreams though and start focusing on other aspects of my life more...I have neglected everyone and everything...so I am making it a point to do something at least once a week that has nothing to do with FET.....

OBSESSION this week: CO SLEEPER ARMS REACH for baby...I love love the concept of them and hope if I am blessed with a bundle of my own I will definitely invest in one of them. The joy of not having to get out of bed for every little movemment and cry..

Arms Reach CO-Sleeper